Sirius Black and the Girl With the Terrible Hair
by JellyBellys
Summary: Sirius Black's life has gone completely haywire. Disowned. Related to Death Eaters. His brother hates him and his best friend is a stalker. Lucky for him, he's never had problems with a girl. Until now.
1. Death by Chips

**Chapter One: Death by Chips**

"What is wrong with her hair?"

"Whose hair?"

"Hers!" Sirius said, pointing at the girl at the pub's bar for emphasis, a rude habit his mother would have slapped his hand for displaying in public. Not that his mother would be caught dead in a Muggle pub. Not that his mother would care if he was insulting a Muggle. Not that his mother would care if Sirius was alive or not.

James craned around on his stool, also lacking the pure-blood manners the elderly but far kinder Mrs. Potter had attempted to instill in him, squinting behind his glasses. He was always in dire need of an updated prescription, but seemed to think squinting made him more attractive in some manner. His best mate was, as usual, wrong about this.

James shoved a chip in his mouth as he started at the girl. "Horrid," he agreed, still staring.

"Why would she do that to her hair?" Sirius said, pushing his own artfully messy black hair out of his eyes. He picked up his pint and took a sip, shaking his head.

"No idea," James said, another chip dying a quick death in his mouth. He twisted back round. "Listen, Pads, did I tell you what Evans-"

"Was it a choice?" Sirius said, cutting off his chewing friend, displaying so many bad manners between the pair of them his mother wouldn't content herself with slapping his hand for pointing were she here, but slapping his face. Stupid bint.

"Was what a choice?" James said, a hint of irritation in his voice.

"Her hair!" Sirius said, still staring at the girl at the bar.

"I dunno," James said, messing distractedly with his own unkempt hair, "maybe. Listen, so Evans said-"

"I mean, it can't be deliberate, right?" Sirius said, "No one would do that to themselves if they didn't have to."

"Who bloody cares?" James said, a distinct note of impatience now present.

He twisted back around to look at the girl, confirmed that she was rather ordinary looking, a bit pretty, but dressed plainly, certainly not as flashy as most girls Sirius spent this much time looking at, before twisting back, befuddled.

"What's it to you?"

His best mate was one of those guys who was so good looking, so thoroughly aware of it, that he never spent much time looking at girls at all. He didn't need to, to get their attention. It was thoroughly irritating, and had made the other three members of the Marauders, along with most of the boys in the school, exasperated and envious at least once.

"It's just," Sirius said, snagging one of James's uneaten chips as well, "it seems deliberate. And that indicates that she's a lunatic. I'm rather intrigued."

The girl's hair was really, truly terrible. It was an ordinary medium brown color, curly if you were being as generous as Lily Evans maintaining a friendship with Snivellus Snape for five years, frizzy if you were being honest, sticking out all askew in every direction, including the girl's left eye.

"I mean," Sirius said, pointing again, "do you see that one frizz ball right behind her left shoulder, it's large enough to hide a snitch insi-"

At this precisely horrible moment, when Sirius was actively pointing at her, his eyebrows waggling around in confusion and insult, James craned all the way round, hand forcefully shoving chips in his mouth, that the girl turned from the bar and saw them.

If Remus had been with them, he'd have whipped around, turning bright red, hissing at them to look away, but as it was the confident (Evans would say _arrogant_, but she didn't know everything, did she?) duo of Potter and Black sitting there, James attempted a winsome smile through the chips, his spare hand jumping to his hair to mess it up further, and Sirius turned his pointing hand into a wave.

Somehow, the girl seemed to know that they'd been insulting her. She stared at them a beat, immobile, wheeled about, marched to the bar and said something short to the bartender, and then stormed out of the pub, not looking at them again.

"Wow," James said, half a chip falling from his mouth and he yelped in dismay, caught it with his Quidditch reflexes, and shoved it back in, "that's the fastest we've ever scared a girl off."

It was Sirius who had craned around now, looking out of the dingy pub's window as the girl stomped around outside, paused next to his motorbike with a dark look, turned to look what seemed straight into his eyes, scowling, and then stormed off.

"Right," Sirius said decisively, standing, "I'm following her." he pulled out his wallet, saying an automatic moment of thanks to Great Uncle Alphie for not being a pile of human waste like the rest of his family, threw some Muggle pounds on the table, and came to a halt when James grabbed a corner of his shirt and yanked.

"This is stalker-ish," James said regretfully.

"Coming from the human one man fan club for Lily Evans?" Sirius said.

"Exactly," James said, "so you should really be twice as embarrassed right now."

Sirius peered out of the window. The girl was still in sight.

"Also," James said behind him, the noise muffled by what was most likely another chip, "I'll have you know that there are at least two people in the Lily Evans fan club."

That got his attention.

"Are you really putting yourself into a category with Snivellus?" Sirius said, pushing his hair out of his eyes again, a woman nearby sighing, her face in her hands, if he had noticed. Sirius did not notice.

"Gross," James said, swallowing down six half eaten chips, "I meant Slughorn. If I had meant Snivellus, I would've said one person and one congealed pile of ooze in the shape of a spineless racist."

Sirius nodded. That was better.

"Your mystery girl has escaped," James said, and he grinned when Sirius whipped around again like a hunting dog, swearing colorfully. A girl who looked to be about thirteen nearby with her mother giggled. The mother winked at Sirius. Sirius didn't notice them either.

"That's it," Sirius said, and he bolted out of the pub.

James swore colorfully as well, and the mother glared at him, covering her daughter's ears, as he bolted after his friend. The things Sirius got away with were an ongoing inspiration.

"She's gone!" Sirius said, turning around in a circle.

"What were you going to do if you caught her?" James asked, interested. With the way Sirius charmed women, perhaps he should take notes.

"Ask her if the hair was deliberate, of course," Sirius said.

And he'd do it too, James thought, he was probably being honest. And the girl would somehow end up laughing and twirling her awful hair, flirting with Sirius, likely snogging him, while his latest attempt to woo Lily Evans, (flowers, allegedly fool-proof) had ended with him getting hexed down the fourth floor hidden stairway next to Charms the last day of sixth year.

"Oh well," Sirius said, shrugging as if it didn't bother him, pulling out one of those Muggle smoking things he liked so much and walking over to his motorbike.

"Maybe we'll still run into her," James said, as he clambered behind Sirius on the bike, "drive by, like."

"Run into who?" Sirius said, kicking the bike on.

"The—the girl!" James said. "The girl you just ran out after, abandoning my chips. The girl you've been talking about for the last five minutes!"

If there was one thing Sirius could do to annoy him, it was the cool affect he put on for everyone, even James, that was a little too studied.

"Oh, her," Sirius said, "who cares? Anyway, what was it Evans said to you?"

"Well," James said, entirely distracted from his mate's odd behavior, launching into a long explanation of flowers and slaps and Evans telling him to piss off and stop being such a weird stalker, as the wind blew both of their hair, his in deranged spikes, Sirius like he was a rock star of course.

They sped past an elderly couple, turned another corner recklessly, a flash of blue catching Sirius's eye and then disappearing, but James was dramatically reenacting the public slap and he was distracted afresh.

Behind arestaurant garbage bin a girl with frizzy hair and a blue jumper crouched, wand out, eyes darting, until the sound faded. She stood up slowly from behind the bin she'd dove behind in a panic, watching the black haired terrors disappear in the distance.

"Bloody hell," Hermione said.


	2. The Noble & Most Ancient House of Brawls

**Chapter Two: The Noble and Most Ancient House of Brawls**

The second time that Sirius saw the girl with the terrible hair she was sneaking into Knockturn Alley. He couldn't really put it another way. The girl wasn't walking proudly like a pure-blood wizard who wanted everyone to know he didn't care about the reputation of such a place, she wasn't swaggering like a teenager on a bet from friends, secretly soiling their knickers, she was, without a doubt, sneaking. The girl was wearing an ill-fitting robe that had a hood pulled over her hair the best she could (some frizzy curls were escaping nonetheless) and her hands were jammed in the robe pockets, presumably gripping a wand while her eyes darted about.

It was not the most uncommon sight in general, seeing an uncomfortable innocent walking conspicuously into Knockturn Alley, but it was rather strange considering he'd last spotted the girl in a Muggle establishment in an extremely Muggle neighborhood he'd never spotted another witch or wizard in before, and had therefore assumed she was, in fact, a Muggle.

"Oi, Prongs," Sirius said casually, "are you seeing what I'm seeing?"

"What, Evans?" James said nervously, jiggling his leg under the table at Florian Fortescue's, Mr. and Mrs. Potter inside waiting on their sundaes.

They had tried to get the adults to stay at home but as the two elder Potters were delightful to be around and Sirius could only try halfheartedly at best to join James's protestations, the Potters had come with them for their last Diagon Alley shopping trip before the boys graduated from Hogwarts in ten months time.

James swiveled around, his hair spiking crazier then usual, the pungent aroma of the aftershave he'd insisted on using drowning out the delicious smell of their ice cream. "Is it Evans?"

"Yes," Sirius drawled, "Evans snogging Snivellus, right over there."

"_What_?" James shouted, standing up so violently the whole table went over, three chairs, and their sundaes.

Sirius stared at the sad remains of his mostly uneaten sundae, then at his best mate, who was frantically messing with his hair worse then ever until he looked quite deranged, his eyes bugging behind his glasses, pulling out his wand like he actually planned on hexing Snivellus.

"Worth it," Sirius muttered, stretching, as the Potters came outside, looking resigned at their son's antics. The sundae had been good, too.

"Where? Where?" James said while spinning on the spot, practically hyperventilating.

"Calm your tits," Sirius said, tilting his legs on his chair, putting his hands behind his head.

"Calm you—calm your FACE!" James bellowed incoherently. "Where is—Evans and—_Snivellus_?!"

"She's not here," Sirius said, "I was lying." He had four whole seconds of triumph before James kicked out at his chair, knocking Sirius over into the spilled sundae residue.

Sirius wiped hot fudge out of his eyes, James wilting like a weed in the sun as the Potters chastised him.

"It was a bee," James lied to his mother's face. Stupid Sirius and his stupid lying.

He'd almost lost his mind entirely at the picture of Lily Evans snogging the walking pile of slime, hatred, and sailboat nose that was Snivellus. It had been one of the greatest days of his life when Remus had informed him that Snivellus and Lily had had a falling out and were no longer speaking. Sirius picked himself off the ground, waving off James's parents offer of help, while his father bent a disapproving look at James and went back inside, muttering about buying Sirius another sundae.

"What about mine?" James bleated, "he started it!"

His father's snort was answer enough.

"Wanker," James said at Sirius, who had righted his chair, sprinkles in his movie star hair, hot fudge all over him, whipped cream on his jacket, and yet still, somehow, a girl he was pretty sure was a sixth year Hufflepuff nearby was batting her eyes at him.

Sirius smirked at him as he wiped a fudge smear off his cheek, and James heard the girl nearby bleat like a dying sheep. No idea what that was supposed to mean, but she probably would lick the fudge off of Sirius if given the chance.

"Oh, Jamie," Mrs. Potter sighed but it was, to be honest, a rather indulgent sigh.

Sometimes Sirius thought the indulgences of Mrs. Potter's sighs had contributed to James's extreme, bone deep confidence in everything to do with himself, including winning over Lily Evans who, for all intents and purposes, seemed to loathe his best friend. Considering said girl had spent five years being friends with Severus Snape without the benefits of being Imperiused into it, Sirius wasn't so sure that he trusted Lily Evans' taste. Mr. Potter returned with another sundae for Sirius, who smiled through the fudge and whipped cream (a nearby second year Ravenclaw spontaneously started puberty) and the three of them ate delicious iced confections while James sulked.

"It was a bee," he repeated mutinously to his mother.

"A bee in the shape of Lily Evans," Sirius muttered, and James glared at him.

He couldn't blame his mate. The mental visual of Lily Evans snogging Snivellus Snape had turned his own stomach and he barely liked the girl, while James was one step away from going to a Muggle tattoo shop to get _Mr. Lily Evans_ tattooed inside of a snitch shaped like a heart on his arse. James watched the sundae being consumed in Sirius's mouth with eyes so narrowed Sirius made a note to prepare himself for a retaliation by James in the next four hours, tops.

"So, Sirius," James said in a would-be friendly voice as his parents were distracted by the nearby elderly Mrs. Prewett, who had grown up next door to Mrs. Potter, "what was it you saw, earlier?"

Sirius grinned, eating the last bite of ice cream and then digging his spoon into the bottom of the glass.

"You mean, aside from the death of what remained of your dignity?"

"I'm not the one with rainbow sprinkles in my hair like a wanker," James hissed through his teeth, as Sirius licked the fudge off his spoon.

Nearby, a middle-aged witch ovulated.

"Mmmm," Sirius moaned, licking the fudge more as James looked murderous, "soooo good."

"Merlin's pants," could be heard breathlessly from a witch nearby.

James made a note that said witch was old enough to be Sirius's grandmother. It didn't improve his mood.

"You said, and I quote," James continued stubbornly, "Oi, Prongs, are you seeing what I'm seeing?" It was a little obsessive, true, but James had lost a sundae, gained his parent's irritation, and been plagued with thoughts of Snivellus sticking his tongue in Lily's mouth like a diseased eel. _Sirius owed him._

"Oh, that," Sirius said, yawning in a very unconvincing fashion. "I saw that bird again, sneaking into Knockturn Alley as unobtrusively as Lucius Malfoy in a Muggle barbershop."

"What bird?" James asked blankly, his attention partially diverted by the fact that his mother hadn't touched her delicious looking sundae in some minutes. Mrs. Prewett was distracting her rather thoroughly. Maybe he could just sneak his spoon…

"You know," Sirius said irritatingly, "the one with the hair."

James had been about to make a grab for his mother's sundae but this statement had been so ridiculous he'd stopped mid lunge.

"The one with the hair?" he said witheringly, "Very informative. Really, Pads. Brilliant. The girl with the hair. Yes that really narrowed it down."

Sirius grinned, running his hands though his own hair, shaking some rainbow sprinkles loose.

"The chit with the terrible hair. You know. That tumbleweed mess in the pub."

"The Muggle girl?" James said, now intrigued against his will.

"Yup," Sirius said, his eyes trained on Knockturn Alley. The girl had disappeared around the time James had kicked over his chair, but she'd be back. Unless she Apparated out. Sirius stopped smiling.

"I doubt it, Pads," James said, finally lunging the rest of the way, stealing a scoop of his mother's whipped cream and chocolate chip ice cream, "because...you know...the part where she's a Muggle? You must've mistaken her with someone else."

"With that hair?" Sirius snorted as James stole another bite of ice cream. He wasn't going to stop his mate's idiotic ice cream stealing plan, but he was _definitely_ going to laugh when he got caught.

"True," James said, "who else would have hair like that?"

"You realize since she's not a Muggle the hair makes her even more prone to insanity," Sirius said, "because she's a _witch_ who can do _magic_. And yet..." he made wild gestures around his own head.

"Maybe she's under aged," James shrugged, mouth full of ice cream, "so she can't fix it during the summer. The trace."

Sirius frowned harder. "There's another thing," he said, eyes boring into the entrance of Knockturn Alley, "that girl is clearly around our age. So how come we don't recognize her?"

"Dunno," James said slowly, "but maybe she recognized us."

"How?" Sirius demanded.

"Dunno," James said again, "but that explains why she looked at us and left, doesn't it? I mean, she couldn't have heard what we were saying about her hair."

Sirius sat up straight, like a bloodhound scenting Snivellus Snape's greasy hair.

"You've got a point, Prongs," he said.

"Of course I've got a point," James said smugly, "I'm a bloody genius." He even put the ice cream in his mouth smugly, Sirius noted. It was a talent.

"James Potter," Mrs. Potter said suddenly and James yelped with the spoon still in his mouth, "what do you think you're doing, young man?"

James looked helplessly to Sirius, caught red-spooned, as his best friend had the delightful ability to trick Mrs. Potter out of anger with his charm at least half the time they got into trouble with his mum. Sirius however, wasn't even looking at him. Sirius was standing up.

"There she is," he said loudly, and more than a few teenage girls and grown women nearby looked disappointed that he was obviously not referring to them.

"Excellent," James attempted to follow his mate who was now weaving fast between tables.

"I'll just-" his mother grabbed his left ear and yanked him down again, her eyes promising punishment.

"Jamie," his mother said, grabbing the spoon from his hand.

"You look beautiful today mother," James tried, smiling through the pain.

It went over about as well as one of his Lily Evans wooing attempts.

* * *

The girl had a small beaded bag dangling from a strap around her left wrist. She pushed back on the too big hood on her robes, hurrying in the direction of the Leaky Cauldron.

"Oh no you don't," Sirius muttered, dodging three grown witches who were standing in his way for some reason, leaping over a tantrumming child, and darting around Harrison Smythwick, fourth year Gryffindor who idolized Sirius to an alarming degree.

"Not now, Smythwick," Sirius said impatiently as the boy tried to show him his new motorcycle jacket. Groupies. How tiresome they were. The girl was gaining ground on The Leaky Cauldron and soon she'd be able to disappear into London and he wouldn't be able to-

"Oh, hello Sirius," Rose Kensington giggled in his face, like she hadn't spent all of their sixth year quasi stalking him in increasingly pathetic tactics she'd clearly learned from James.

"Out of the way," Sirius bellowed, wondering where the bloody hell James was. He could've traded terrible tips on winning the object of your obsession with Rose and gotten the silly bint out of his hair.

"Sirius," Harrison bleated in the background, "are those sprinkles in your hair, mate? Is that a new thing you're doing? Should I…?"

"Nice whipped cream, Black," Marvin Mulcibur sneered from his left, and what was this, an obstacle of arseholes to black him from the girl with the tragic hair?

"Yeah your mum liked it too," Sirius said on autopilot, second nature to insult his fellow pure-bloods. He didn't even know why they kept trying. He'd been raised by the best sharp tongued hag in three countries. It was almost impossible to insult him. Tearing down rich snobs was as easy to Sirius as breathing air. Mulcibur proved his point by making a noise like a scalded cat but saying nothing more.

"Amateur," Sirius said under his breath. The girl had reached the entrance. Drastic measures were needed.

"Oi! You!" Sirius shouted, "you with the cloak!"

The girl paused, even though there were roughly twenty witches and wizards in the vicinity wearing cloaks.

"Yeah, you!" Sirius said. He was almost there, almost-

The girl turned and locked eyes with Sirius. He unexpectedly felt self-conscious about the sprinkles.

For a second, Sirius had the absolute craziest thought, that James had been right and the girl knew him. But then the girl looked away as if she'd never seem him in her life and the madness passed.

"So, the hair," Sirius yelled as she raised her wand to tap the bricks, "is it-"

The girl ducked through to enter The Leaky Cauldron. Sirius followed her with a leap, which assured that he came face to face with the trio that had just entered Diagon Alley. The teenage boy in front of Sirius sneered like he was smelling Snivellus's grey under-drawers.

"Bollocks," Sirius said.

"Nice to see you too, Sirius," Regulus snapped.

* * *

Lily Evans was having a rough morning. First she'd had to explain to her father for the sixth time why Severus Snape couldn't possibly come with them to go back to school shopping like he had every August from the summer after first year until the summer before fifth year. She thought she'd explained it well enough the year before, even if she couldn't tell the full story. It's not like her parents would understand what "Mudblood" really meant after all. So she'd first tried to say that they'd grown apart due to being in different houses. Her parents had gently chastised her for ditching Sev, her long time friend who quite clearly was awkward and mostly friendless.

Lily had moved on to saying she didn't like Sev's friends who were cruel and bullies, but this had only convinced her parents that Sev needed her good influence to walk the correct path again. She then told her parents the truth, that Sev had called her a very nasty name in front of lots of other students, which had been effective until her mother pried the whole story out of her, and Lily had admitted that she'd mocked Sev's graying underpants in retaliation. That had earned her a lecture on being the bigger person when her mother had heard about how Sev had begged her to forgive him later on.

It had frustrated her to no end. Lily knew it came from a place of kindness on her parents part; sympathy for Sev, who was poor and polite and had a mean and mostly absent father. She'd only gotten her mother to see reason when she'd finally admitted something that she'd never told anyone, not even Helena Boonworthy or Sarah Mills: Sev had unrequited feelings for Lily, and it was just simply not going to work out between them. Not when Sev was practically a Junior Death Eater. She hadn't explained that last part to her mother, who wouldn't understand, but a boy's unwanted romantic affections were enough to get Rose Evans to drop it. Her father, however, still seemed to not get it.

Adding to Lily's misery, Petunia had brought over her new boyfriend, Vernon Dursley, the most dull, senselessly arrogant boy Lily had ever met. Considering she'd shared a house with James Potter and Sirius Black for six years, this was saying a lot. Petunia had made no less then three snide comments about Lily being odd in the span of five minutes before her mother had seen the steam practically rising off of Lily's auburn hair and declared it was time for the Evans family to go shopping.

Vernon had obnoxiously questioned why Lily, a seventeen-year-old girl, needed her parents to buy pencils and paper for school, and her parents had inadvertently made it worse for her when they had enthused for quite some time how interesting and fun it was to go back to school shopping with Lily.

As no one had obviously told Vernon, a Muggle, that Lily was a witch, he'd been baffled to say the least, but Petunia had been furious. Lily had watched her sister's expression became more and more jealous and angry knowing there would be hell to pay later when their parents weren't around.

The absolute cherry on the crap sundae that was her morning, however, had been her father accidentally bumping into Sirius Black's mother right outside the Leaky Cauldron. Lily had been trying to shake off her gloomy thoughts of her former best friend turning into a bigoted monster and her sister hating her guts, and suddenly there had been three people stopped dead in their path into Diagon Alley. Facing the was a handsome boy in a leather jacket with rainbow sprinkles in his hair.

Lily had watched it like a slow motion car crash, unable to stop her father from accidentally bumping the rich looking witch that was pointing her finger in Sirius Black's face and shouting.

Lily had never seen the elder Blacks before, but absolutely everyone knew that Black had run away the year before and been disowned by his evil snob parents. As irritating as Black was, who else would be screaming at him like this in public?

When her father bumped Mrs. Black, time seemed to move like the crystallized pineapple chunks Slughorn loved so much. Mr. Black's teeth bared, his hand reaching for his wand, hidden inside his silver walking stick. Sirius's face collapsed comically, and for only the second time in her life, Lily thought positively of Sirius Black. The first time being, of course, the time she'd heard about him being disowned. Lily had tried to offer her sympathy to him in private shortly thereafter, but Sirius had been so dismissive and arrogant about it she ended up telling him to stick his head in a plate of turnips (not her finest insult) and stormed off, sympathy evaporated.

Lily's mouth was ajar, her father was trying to apologize, thinking this was a normal woman and therefore an appropriate response, and then Mr. Black was pointing a wand in her father's face, as his wife slapped her father so hard he staggered.

"Ben!" Lily's mother yelped.

"Put your wand away, father," Regulus hissed, eyes darting to Lily. In this chaos, a girl in an ill-fitting robe carrying a beaded bag slipped out of the entrance to the Leaky Cauldron and out into London. In the distance, Lily could see James Potter shoving through the crowd who had gathered.

Lily pulled out her own wand, not knowing what to do.

"You hit my husband," Lily's mother yelled at Mrs. Black, whose entire body convulsed like she'd caught a fatal disease from a Muggle talking to her. There was a blur, and Mr. Black moved his wand in a half slash.

"No!" Lily yelled, feeling slow and useless.

Sirius tackled his father, knocking over Regulus accidentally in the process into a pile. James Potter had made his way over at last, taken one look at the situation, locked eyes with Lily, grinned and played with his hair, and leapt on top of the pile of brawling Black family members in what was clearly a demented attempt to impress her. Mrs. Black ran over and began beating the rolling pile with her pocketbook, hitting her own husband and favorite son by accident in the chaos.

"Mum, dad," Lily said weakly, as she saw an elderly couple who must be Potter's parents judging by the fact that the lady was bellowing "Jamie Potter!" loudly in his direction. "Maybe we should go to Flourish and Blotts first?"

* * *

Sirius held an ice pack to his left eye which was swollen and purple with a groan. The Potters had refused to heal him and James as punishment for their "reckless and violent" behavior, so the boys had retreated to Sirius's tiny old flat with a bottle of Firewhiskey and a giant bag of ice they'd bought at a Muggle store.

James was loudly and drunkenly lamenting how Evans had left before she'd seen his greatest fight move, the pinch neck twirl he'd executed on Orion Black. Even though Sirius had already told him four times that James was actually fortunate Evans hadn't seen it since the pinch neck had been followed by Walburga Black, a shriveled crone of no strength and infinite rage whacking him so hard with her pocketbook James had broken his glasses.

Sirius pressed the ice deeper to his eye with a shudder, a rogue orange sprinkle falling out of his hair.

"Cheer up Pads," James said, finally breaking off from _Lily Evans:_ _a 612 Act Play Given Solely in Sweaty Monologue_, "You got Regulus good. Stupid tosser ended up with the whipped cream all over him. And you ripped his designer robes."

Considering James owned many pairs of designer robes Mr. Potter had bought him, Sirius thought this insult on Reg's robes was a bit disingenuous but he appreciated the sentiment. What he didn't appreciate was the nagging little voice that pointed out to him that Reg had been trying to stop their father from attacking Mr. Evans. Sirius told himself Reg had probably just been trying to avoid their father going to Azkaban, but that tiny voice persisted.

"It's not that," Sirius said, cringing. He should really work on learning healing spells. He'd used to think they were a waste of effort, but his throbbing eye was convincing him that they might come in handy. "It's her."

James pulled a face. "Yeah the old bat whacked me hard. Still, think of how embarrassed she's going to be amongst the china teapot and silk robe set if it gets in the papers?"

"Not the evil old bint," Sirius snarled, mood worsened as it always was when his mother came to his mind, "the girl."

"Ah," James said, swigging from the bottle of firewhiskey, "old tumbleweeds. Give it up Pads. You'll never find out why her hair looks like a hairball a cat hacked up."

Sirius sat up rapidly, which was a massive mistake. He winced where Reg had punched him in the left ribs and where his bitch mother had smashed his back with her forty pound purse that was probably filled with the bones of the dead Black family house elves.

"Not just that," Sirius said, moving the ice away. "What was she doing in Knockturn Alley?"

"Dunno," James shrugged, "maybe she's got doxies."

"Why'd she run off?" Sirius persisted.

"So did Evans," James said gloomily. "There we were, fighting for her honor, and-"

"Maybe she's a spy," Sirius said.

"A spy," James said flatly. "A teenage girl."

"A teenage girl we've never seen before who we saw in a Muggle pub and Knockturn Alley," Sirius pressed, "who's willingly making her hair look-"

"For Merlin's sake, Pads," James said, "just find the girl and snog her, get it out of your system."

"Oh," Sirius said, snatching the bottle of firewhiskey from James and taking a chug, "don't worry. I will."

James looked at her best mate, half wanting to laugh, half wanting to grab the bottle and brain him with it. People said James was arrogant but really, could anyone hold a candle to Sirius Black's self-regard?

"Give it a week," Sirius said, "and I'll have my tongue down her throat."

The worst part was that James knew Sirius was telling the truth.

* * *

Lily sat in her bedroom, her parents downstairs plowing through their second bottle of wine to forget the disaster in the Leaky Cauldron earlier today. As she stared at the parchment in her hand, purple Hogwarts seal prominent, she contemplated joining in. Half hidden in the crumpled letter was a badge.

_Dear Miss Evans, _

_Congratulations, you have been selected as the Head Girl of Hogwarts. Please make your way to cabin one on the Hogwarts Express at eleven o'clock sharp to meet with the Head Boy, James Potter, to further discuss your joint duties in the upcoming year._

Lily crumpled the parchment without reading the rest, marched over to her door and stuck her head into the hallway.

"Mum, can I have a glass of wine?" Lily howled.

* * *

In her pink room in the cozy bed and breakfast she was staying in Hermione unwrapped the package she'd procured from Borgin and Burkes with shaking hands. They'd been shaking for hours, since she'd locked eyes with Sirius Black and felt sure,_ absolutely sure_ for a fleeting moment that he'd known her. She couldn't seem to make them stop.

"Well," Hermione mumbled, thinking of the brawl she'd inadvertently instigated, "so much for keeping a low profile."

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you so much for your support! Reviews and constructive critiques are always welcome.


	3. The Intriguing Case of the Disappearing

**Chapter Three: The Intriguing Case of the Disappearing Girl **

James had refused to shut up about being Head Boy alongside Evans as Head Girl for even twelve seconds. Sirius had timed him for three days straight in exasperation to prove a point. He probably would've even talked about it in his sleep if he could, but since James was a snorer it was impossible. For now. If anyone could find a way to talk about Lily Evans through snores it was James Potter.

"Have you seen her?" James hissed at him, hand jumping to his hair.

They were standing with the Potters on Platform Nine and Three Quarters as Mrs. Potter chatted with the nearby Diggory's.

"I'm going to start carrying a little squirt bottle," Sirius told him, "and spray you with water like I'm training a cat not to claw on furniture whenever you mess with your hair."

James looked blank. Sirius had learned a lot about Muggles, gotten the highest O.W.L. in their year in Muggle Studies, and he had only half done it to enrage his parents who had forbidden him from taking the elective. They had screamed at Sirius during winter break and all summer after third year when they'd found out he'd taken it anyway instead of Divination. The other half of him had taken Muggle Studies because he found Muggles genuinely interesting and clever. He'd tried to teach James, but his friend was still a bit of a clueless pure-blood a decent amount of the time.

"You know he doesn't know what that is, Pads," Remus said from behind them.

"Moony!" Sirius said, and they were all hugging with the enthusiasm of energetic teenage boys. He shook hands with Remus's parents. The Lupins were nice people, a bit absent minded perhaps, a bit prone to buying their only son old man clothes and books but they were still the twelve-thousandth-and-one set of parents he'd take over his own.

"I'd pay good money to see you spray James with a squirt bottle though," Remus said, "or at least a whole knut. That's about all I've got spare."

"Good money," Sirius agreed, his mind already whirring with how he'd procure a water bottle to torment James with, "I could buy half a whoopee cushion with that."

"Ha hag," James said, his hand jumping like he wanted to mess up his hair but he stopped it mid jump, "so have you seen Evans or not?"

"Yes, snogging Snivellus right over there," Sirius drawled.

James turned to him with narrowed eyes.

"Funny, Pads, but that won't work again."

"_Again_?" Remus said, a suppressed note of laughter in his voice.

"Don't ask," James said.

"Actually please do," Sirius said, making his own casual glance at the occupants of the platform. It's not like he really expected to see old cat hairball here, but if she was… "it starts with James spazzing out and destroying perfectly good ice cream, and ends with Black family fisticuffs. Very classy pure-blood stuff."

"With a fisticuff assist from yours truly," James grinned.

"But of course," Sirius said, "that yelping twirl you did when Reg kicked you was a sight to behold."

Remus laughed. "Sorry I missed it," he said.

"It was glorious," James agreed, "the old hag was screaming at Sirius about being the stain of her womb or something."

"She cursed the day I burst forth from her like a demon from hell," Sirius clarified, "not sure why she wanted to remind anyone about her shriveled old uterus, but..."

"Her what?" James said.

Sirius sighed, rolling his eyes. He pulled out a cigarette, putting it between his lips. "James old buddy," he said around it, "read a science book once in a while."

"A sexual education pamphlet," Remus put in helpfully, his lips twitching.

"Not sure why you're thinking about your mum and sexual education," James said, going for the lowest of low blows.

Sirius yelped and the cigarette dropped from his lips, his face green.

"James Potter, you sick bastard."

* * *

"I'm here!" Potter bellowed, throwing the train car door open, his arms spread wide, a grin on his face. "Your Head Boy. Ready to do your demented bidding."

Lily wished for the sixth time this morning that her mother had allowed her to smuggle a bottle of alcohol or a bunch of tranquilizing pills on the train to deal with this. Or that silencing charms on your classmate wouldn't get you in trouble. Either or.

"Great," Lily said, "my bidding is that you act like a normal human for once, Potter."

"Impossible," Potter said. "I'm an extraordinary man."

Lily looked up to the ceiling of the train car, praying for patience. Why hadn't she thought to bring duct tape. Surely no one could deny her that? What had she done to deserve this? Was this some twisted punishment from Minerva McGonagall and Dumbledore? She'd always thought they'd liked her, but clearly…

"You're a_ boy_," Lily said flatly to the ceiling, "not a man. an arrogant boy who's never been told no." "You told me 'no' sixty-eight times last year alone," Potter said. He flopped down on the seat across from her with a lopsided grin. It was a shame that James Potter was occasionally charming and infrequently cute, because he was intolerable at best the other ninety percent of the time.

"Can we just discuss the training of the new prefects?" Lily said, her jaw clenched.

"Sure," James said easily, "who are the little twerps that we have to bind to us as minions and slaves?"

Lily sighed. It was going to be a long year.

* * *

James had finally returned a half hour ago from his meeting with Lily and the prefects bouncing on the balls of his feet, grinning all over his body somehow, insufferably happy, while Remus, Sirius, and Peter were playing exploding snap. They'd been regaled with twenty solid minutes of _The Joys of Lily Evans _during which Sirius extrapolated that Evans hadn't actively thrown food or drink on James or slapped him, so James was taking this as a sign that this made them soulmates. It was sickening to see a man in love. Sirius didn't understand it. His mate was one of the most popular blokes in school. Good looking (not as good looking as Sirius) smart (not as smart as Sirius) funny (not nearly as funny as Sirius) and a great Quidditch player. Add on to that that he was a pure-blood and the sole inheritor of the Potter estate and the witches interested in James were abundant. Yet he was fixated on one stuck-up redhead who used to willingly spend her free time with Snivellus. It was confounding.

Wormtail was listening intently as James launched into the blow by blow account of how Evans had touched him by accident while they instructed the prefects on how to patrol, and Remus was eating a chocolate frog while politely feigning interest, but Sirius's mind wandered. As did his gaze. There were only so many times that one man could listen to _The Virtues of Lily Evans: One Man's Maniacal Quest to Get a Girlfriend _before you either hated the girl or were tricked into thinking you loved her yourself.

That's when the girl with the terrible hair walked by their train carriage.

"So Evans kind of bent over yeah, to pick up this notebook she'd written ideas on, right, and like ten stands of her hair-"

Sirius sprang to his feet so rapidly that he half tripped over his boots and almost fell over onto Remus, which would've led to his Sex Pistols shirt getting covered in melted chocolate frog. Horrors.

"Sirius, what-"

Without a backward look or a word of explanation, he lunged at the train carriage door, threw it open, and rushed into the corridor.

She was in the next carriage already, about to make her way into the carriage beyond it.

"Sirius," he heard from behind him, "mate, what are you-"

He started rushing to the next carriage and there was Sami Greengrass in his path, one of the few pure-blood Slytherin girls who still was under the delusion that Sirius Black, disowned Gryffindor, was a great choice for arsehole pure-blood husband that spawned one to two pure-blood kids with her and then spent the rest of their married lives cheating on her with a series of increasingly younger witches. Daisy Parkinson, pure-blood Slytherin girl who rightfully now viewed Sirius as the enemy and had turned her attention to Reg the second it had become public knowledge that Sirius was disowned, looked at his shirt with the Muggle band on it with disgust.

"Black, do you ever get tired of disgracing-"

"Hi Sirius, how was your summer hols?" Sami cut in, smiling shyly.

"Got to punch my bastard father in the face, so excellent," Sirius said, trying to push past without actually touching them. Sami would probably take an accidental brush as a marriage betrothal and Daisy would try to get her brother to fight Sirius to defend her virginal honor. And while Julian Parkinson attempting to kick his arse would be tragic and hilarious, it would take precious time away from more important things...like anything else ever.

Sami gasped.

"Typical trash," Daisy sneered, "I bet Regulus-"

"Squealed like a girl when I hit him? You'd win that bet," Sirius said, "look can you two move? I've got somewhere to be." The girl disappeared from his sight and he swore.

Behind him, he could hear his mates opening the door to their carriage, presumably poking their heads into the hallway to figure out what had possessed him this time.

"Sirius," Remus called, "where are you-"

"Oh bollocks is it that girl again?" James said wearily, and Sirius really didn't appreciate James Potter, who was one day of stalking Evans away from being sentenced to Azkaban for harassment getting sick of him talking about another girl.

"What girl?" Sami and Daisy said in tandem. Sami sounded rather like a lost baby sheep, Daisy like a viper waiting to strike.

"Your mum," Sirius said, making his way to the next compartment to gasps of outrage, finally past the Slytherin she-beasts without incidental contact. He was profoundly grateful for the day he'd discovered that Slytherins were endlessly insulted and debilitated by a casual mention of their mum, like turtles flipped onto their shells. It had even worked on Reg once, _and they had the same mum._

Sirius threw caution to the wind in the next carriage and started running. She couldn't have made it far. Unfortunately, Snivellus Snape had chosen the exact moment the train lurched unexpectedly to open his door and ooze right into Sirius's path. Considering Snivellus was built like a daddy long legs spider taught to walk upright, he lacked the coordination to get out of Sirius's path and they collided, banging into a window, which caused everyone to file out into the hallway with them, thrilled they were seeing another round of that greasy little weirdo Snape getting what was coming to him by the very popular elder Black brother.

For once in his life, Sirius had no interest in getting into a wand fight or an actual fistfight with Snivellus, but everyone else, including Snivellus himself, had different ideas, and Sirius spent the last hour of the train ride goaded into a fight which was eventually broken up the arrival of Lily Evans, Head Girl, fun killer, and magnet for obsessive black-haired wizards.

The girl, of course, escaped.

* * *

Sirius spent the entire ride in the carriages to the school complaining about the girl getting away. He continued complaining as they sat at the Gryffindor table, while he peered around the Great Hall, as a solid fifty girls stared back at him hopefully. James had an epiphany.

"Is this how annoying I am about Evans?" he muttered to Wormtail and Moony.

"Yes," they said together, reaching for bread rolls on the table as Dumbledore made his way to his podium for a speech.

"I don't believe you," James said.

"You're worse," Peter said helpfully. When James glared at him, he sunk a little in his seat.

"She must be very beautiful," Remus said diplomatically as they all watched Sirius scan the tables.

"Nope," James said, buttering his own roll. "You should see her hair. It's a force of nature. Like a tornado of hairy cats."

"She's not here," Sirius said finally, slumping down, "how's that possible? Did she jump off the train?"

"Maybe you imagined her," James said, lips twitching. Really, he was being hypocritical for making fun of Sirius for this, but as his mate absolutely never chased a bird, but instead was used to being the chased, he couldn't help but find it wildly entertaining. Also, revenge for all of the times Sirius had teased James for his Lily obsession was sweet.

"Oh, like you imagined Evans touching you on purpose earlier?" Sirius said viciously.

Remus and Peter both were intent on their roll buttering. It was true that James was perhaps the only person who could successfully pull Sirius out of one of his dark moods. But a little assistance now and then from one of them would be appreciated.

"No, more like how you imagined Snivellus naked in your fantasies," James said.

It was a gamble. Sirius had been in such a bad mood when they'd finally gotten through the cheering crowd and James had talked down Evans from taking fifty points from both him and Snivelly that this crack might end with James getting the pumpkin juice pitcher smashed on his skull.

Sirius turned to him, his grey eyes cold.

"Talking to yourself again?" he said.

McGonagall was leading the first years into the hall to get sorted. Remus's stomach rumbled loudly. All they had was rolls until the little titches got sorted, and they were growing teenage boys.

"Talking to your mum," James retorted.

"I invented that, you know," Sirius said, "It doesn't work on me."

If there had only been a Muggle-born nearby to raise an objection to the assertion that Sirius Black had invented Yo Mama jokes. But alas, there wasn't.

"Your mum's so old," James tried gamely, "when she washes her face, cobwebs fall off."

"Actually her mask falls off and you see the rotting demon skin beneath," Sirius said, but the left corner of his mouth raised the tiniest bit.

"Hey," Peter cut in, and James swore under his breath. Pete was a great guy, but he had the worst timing. He'd almost gotten Sirius to smile again.

"Isn't that girl too old to be a first year?"

"Maybe she's tall for her age," James said, taking a bite out of a roll, not looking round.

"Also, doesn't she have really ugly hair?" Pete continued, undeterred.

James choked on his roll, turning, and Sirius's head snapped over to the first years.

There, towering among the tiny nervous first years, was a girl with a bushy halo of hair and an irritable expression.

A grin began dawning on Sirius's face, one that anyone on the receiving end of one of his pranks would be alarmed by the appearance of.

"Ah, there she is," James said after swallowing the stuck roll in his throat, "old briar patch."

Remus looked incredulous. He was looking back and forth between Sirius and the girl with his eyebrows sky high. James knew exactly what he was thinking, but neither boy said it. The fourth member of the group however, did.

"She'snot beautiful," Pete said, "and definitely not your type, Pads."

"No one said she was," James said, "in fact, I think I deliberately mentioned her hair being-"

Dumbledore had finished his speech, but there had been no mention of the girl, who she was, or why she was clearly older then a first year and yet getting sorted. McGonagall was bringing the sorting hat out, and eighty-nine of the students stood there looking scared, two looked dazed, and one looked angry.

"Why's she got that look on her face?" Pete asked.

"Good question," James said, narrowing his eyes slightly. Sirius might be distracted by the mess on the girl's head, but he was starting to find this mysterious girl quite suspicious. In fact, he wouldn't be surprised at all if she was Slytherin material.

"Budge over," Sirius said, the wolfish grin on his face spreading. Nearby, Millie Baumgartner had her chin in her hand as she stared wistfully at Sirius, who, per usual, didn't notice in the slightest.

"Budge over?" Remus repeated, his eyebrows even higher. It was possible Remus was about to lose his eyebrows entirely.

"And then he'd be Remus the permanently surprised man-boy," James muttered thoughtfully, eating another roll. Every year the sorting seemed to take longer, his stomach getting hungrier all the while.

"For the girl," Sirius said, and he shifted so he was invading Remus's space quite a bit, clearing up a tiny spot on the bench to his left.

"Geraldine Gudgeon is going to sit there if you aren't careful Pads," James said through a mouth of buttery starch, gesturing to a Hufflepuff who'd put on a thick layer of bright red lipstick, like Sirius was a bull that could be baited with color.

"What makes you think she's getting in Gryffindor, Sirius?" Pete asked, again vocalizing what they were all thinking.

"I just know," Sirius said with confidence.

"Errr...how?" Remus asked as McGonagall slowly made her way through the D's. A terrified looking ginger boy went to Ravenclaw.

"Because I wanther in Gryffindor," Sirius said.

Even for Sirius, the arrogance of the statement was astounding.

"And you say I'm up my own arse," James said, but since two entire bread rolls were in his mouth no one understood him.

Typical Sirius, thinking the universe would give him what he wanted. But of course, he was right.

* * *

The new girl was causing quite a bit of intrigue with the seventh year Gryffindor girls as well. The girl—Hermione Granger- had been sorted into Gryffindor, and James Potter had taken that moment to start choking to death. Remus Lupin had whacked him on the back until he'd projectile vomited a bread roll out of his mouth and into Kenneth Johnson at the Hufflepuff table. And people asked Lily why she refused to date Potter.

Instead of looking thrilled like most would be to be sorted into Gryffindor, this Hermione had turned to look at Dumbledore for some reason, who smiled at her mildly and clapped, and turned around with a scowl that could rival Genevieve Bletchley, notorious Slytherin harpy.

She stalked to the Gryffindor table as everyone politely clapped, the Gryffindors not as enthusiastic as usual, due to the weird nature of a grown girl being sorted with eleven year olds without explanation and the fact that said girl looked like she'd tear off a limb of anyone who dared to talk to her.

That, of course, was not enough to stop Sirius Black.

"Oi, you!" he called imperiously to the girl, "over here!" he gestured to the tiny spot available next to him on the bench and Lily distinctly saw Geraldine Gudgeon over at Hufflepuff half rise from her seat like she was going to take him up on the offer instead before Sandy Shelley dragged her down again.

Only Sirius Black could openly tell a girl to sit next to him while making it seem like he was doing her a favor. Any other boy would come across as...well, as desperate as Potter, honestly, but Black made it seem like he was a king bestowing favors on the less fortunate.

"Is Sirius Black really being nice?" Sarah Mills asked from Lily's left side. She sounded baffled. "She...doesn't seem his type." It was said carefully, but everyone knew what Sarah meant.

Hermione Granger stopped mid march to the table, pivoted away from Black and co, and wheeled her way instead in Lily's group's direction.  
"Make room," Lily said, "poor girl, she doesn't deserve Black and Potter on her first day."

"Yeah," Amelia Connors said, "poor girl."

But, if Lily was being honest, it was a touch unconvincing. It was an unspoken statement among the tight group of five girls that Amelia was trying very hard to suppress her crush on Sirius Black. At least she, unlike the other two hundred or so fellow afflicted Hogwarts students seemed to know that it was a terrible idea and tried to destroy the crush at all costs.

"Hey," Donna Diggory said, "over here, Hermione. You can sit with-"

Lily locked eyes with the new girl, smiling, and then Hermione Granger walked right past them to the end of the table where the already sorted Gryffindor first years were huddling in silence and sat down, pulling a bowl of rolls to her.

In the background, another boy was made a Hufflepuff.

Lily couldn't help herself. She looked at Sirius Black. His eyebrows were drawn together in one dark line of a spoiled handsome boy who'd always gotten everything he wanted.

"Close your mouth," Sarah whispered to Lily, "or you'll give Snape ideas."

Lily's mouth snapped shut after the cottoned onto the disgusting insinuation that her friend had just made. Well. She supposed Sarah hadn't been that unaware of Sev's unrequited romantic feelings for her after all.

"Is he looking at me?" she mumbled.

"Yep," Sarah said, "don't look."

"He's probably mad about me breaking up that fight with Black," Lily whispered.

"That was so weird," Helena said, not noticing her two friends whispered conversation, "I mean, not sitting with Black, sure, but us?"

"What year's she?" Amelia said, after only allowing herself a quick glance at Black.

Lily looked at him again too, just so she didn't have to look at Sarah's sympathetic, yet skeptical smile about Sev's intentions.

Black was having a whispered argument with the other three boys. He, like Geraldine Gudgeon, started to rise from his seat before Lupin dragged him down. More then a few of his admirers were glancing between him and the Granger girl with open hostility. Potter caught Lily's eye, his cheeks bulging with bread rolls, and winked as he helped Lupin drag Black down.

"Ugh," Lily said with disgust.

It only got worse when the sorting ended, the feast drew to a close, and Lily made her way to the girl and the other new Gryffindors with a game smile. She was Head Girl, after all. That came with responsibilities.

The girl turned away like she didn't even hear or see Lily and stormed away, disappearing into a crowd of Ravenclaws.

"Oi, you!" Black yelled from somewhere behind Lily as Potter chased him, totally neglecting his Head Boy duties to the non shock of Lily, "you with the hair!"

But the girl was nowhere to be seen.

"So she's a seventh year," Donna said, pointing to a trunk in the corner. There was a new bed there too. On top of the trunk was a wicker basket that hissed.

They had spent a solid hour debating what was going on when the door opened and the girl walked in, her face thunderous.

"Hello," Helena said cautiously, "I'm-"

The girl walked over to her belongings, opened up the wicker basket, and an enormous hissing ginger beast hopped out.

"What is that?" Sarah blurted.

Lily got the impression the girl desperately wanted to not answer but couldn't think of a way out of it without inciting a full cold war against her.

"Crookshanks," the girl said shortly, " my cat."

"That's a cat?" Victoria Arnold said, with no small amount of disgust.

The girl looked at all of them.

"Obviously," she said. The ginger beast was purring.

"I'm Lily Evans, the Head Girl," Lily tried again, "welcome to Gryffindor, Hermione. If there's anything I can do to help you-"

"Yeah, thanks," the girl said, still short.

"Is something the matter?" Helena asked, "did Black corner you?"

"No," the girl said quickly, and then added, "I mean, I don't know who you are referring to. I made my way straight here. I got lost on the way. I guess I followed the Ravenclaws by accident."

Lily was not particularly suspicious by nature. It was one of the things that Sev had told her made her naive. It was also one of the things they argued about. She didn't see being suspicious as a character virtue, like Sev did. But somehow, she knew the girl was lying. About what, she wasn't sure. Maybe all of it.

"What a shame," Cassiopeia Fawcett said, "I wouldn't mind if Sirius Black harassed me."

Her friends giggled with her while Lily fought an eye roll. While she'd miss many of her friends after this year ended, Victoria and Cassiopeia's gang was not one of them.

"Why didn't you sit next to him earlier, you daft girl?" Cassiopeia chided the new girl.

"I don't know who you mean," Granger said. Her voice was wintry.

"Don't be rude, Cassiopeia," Lily said after Sarah had given her a "you're Head Girl this type of nonsense is your problem now" kind of look.

"The gorgeous bloke who kept trying to get your attention for some reason," Victoria said. The disdain in her voice at Sirius Black paying attention to this surly and rather ordinary looking girl was clear.

"I didn't see any gorgeous blokes," the Granger girl said, petting her cat.

The audacity of the lie silenced them all for a moment. Sirius Black was arrogant, yes. Spoiled. Insufferable. But Lily had yet to find a girl who hadn't grudgingly admitted that he was good looking at some point. Legend even said that Daisy Greengrass and Genevieve Bletchley had drunkenly admitted it at a Slytherin girl sleepover once before denying it later on.

"...right," Sarah said, finally finding her voice, "well, we were referring to the guy who tried to get you to-"

"I'm going to bed," the Granger girl interrupted again, and without further ado, she closed her curtains with some vigor. The twelve other girls in the room stared at each other, open mouthed.

"Good night to you too!" Victoria said loudly.

Lily exchanged glances with her friends. The Granger girl seemed like an insufferable pill they were all being forced to swallow for some unknown reason. But she couldn't help but feel pity for her as well. The year was going to be rough on her if she insisted on being so unpleasant to everyone in her radius.

* * *

"Maybe she's not taking potions," Remus said as Sirius sat at their usual bench, leg jiggling up and down. Then Remus yawned.

"Oh, don't," James said, and then he yawned too. "dammit, now you've gotten me started."

Sirius had kept them up till two am in the Gryffindor common room, waiting for the mysterious cactus headed girl to appear until Remus and James had forcefully dragged him to bed when she never appeared. While Sirius had sat, eyes trained on the common room entrance in a sort of casual intensity that no one else could've pulled off, James had wearily filled Remus and Peter in on the vague reasons behind Sirius's odd new obsession. To add to their misery, Sirius had woken everyone up in the seventh year boys dorm at six am, demanding to go to breakfast. She hadn't been at breakfast, either.

"She's got to be taking potions," Sirius said nonsensically, his arms crossed, his leg bouncing more. Snivellus had oozed in some minutes before, taken a second sneering look at the three of them there early, as this had never occurred in history and likely never would again, and then sat as far away from them as possible, burying his greasy head in a book.

"Wormy's probably still eating bacon," James sighed with envy. Sluggy only took those who'd gotten 'Exceeds Expectations' into his N.E.W.T. classes and even with all of the tutoring and coaxing they'd given Pete he'd barely scraped a pass in his O.W.L.

Evans came in with Donna Diggory and a group of Ravenclaws, then sat in the front of the room without looking at him or Snivelly.

Remus took a look between Sirius's agitated door watching and James's unblinking stare at Lily and sighed.

"I'm doing all the work today, aren't I?" he said.

"Yep," James and Sirius said together.

"Where did she go last night?" Sirius said aggressively, as if they had hidden the girl in a coat closet to spite him, "why wasn't she at breakfast this morning? Doesn't she need to eat and sleep?"

"Maybe she's a vampire," Remus said, his mouth twitching with suppressed laughter, "she went out to make a fresh kill and then turned into a bat."

"She could've started with Snivellus," James said, yawning again, "do the universe a favor."

"Maybe she did," Remus said, "he's transforming into a vampire as we speak."

"Let's put garlic in his soap to test," James said with sudden enthusiasm, "he'll smell for months."

"Like Snivelly uses soap," Sirius snorted, an encouraging sign that he had finally stopped moping about the girl for a second to join in with some Snape bashing. Good old Snivelly. He could always bring Sirius out of a funk. "Or showers. Ever."

Slughorn entered the classroom, rubbing his hands together with a large grin, a premonition of pain to come. Sirius slumped down in his chair.

"She's not coming," he said, sounded so uncharacteristically defeated James almost didn't have the heart to make fun of him. Almost.

"Cheer up," he said as Slughorn started enthusing on their yearly lesson plan, "you can pick a new girl to chase around that has no interest in you. Genevieve Bletchley's probably in Charms with us."

Sirius turned to him with a hostile look in his grey eyes, and then he smirked. "Genevieve Bletchley tried to snog me fourth year," he informed James, "you think I can't win over her again? Give me five minutes."

"You're disowned if you recall," Remus muttered as he took notes.

"Thanks Moony, I hadn't thought about it for twelve hours," Sirius hissed as Slughorn's voice boomed over in the direction of the Ravenclaws sitting in front with Evans and Diggory.

"So Bletchley is holding out for a fifty room mansion belonging to a pure-blood husband," Remus said, mouth twitching worse.

"How is this the first time we've heard about Bletchley?" James asked quietly. True, Sirius was not particularly known to kiss and tell, but…

"Forgot," Sirius shrugged, "it was around Christmas hols. All the mistletoe kept me busy that year. And ever year."

"You're insufferable," James said, pushing his glasses up his nose, "do you know how long we could've been pranking her about this?"

"That's your takeaway?" Remus said wearily, barely opening his mouth. Sluggy was getting closer.

"Sorry," Sirius said, tapping his quill on the table, "I tried to block it out. A succubus trying to steal your soul isn't something you want to remember."

"No wonder she hates you so-"

The door banged open, and the Granger girl half fell inside the room, panting and wild eyed.

"Her hair is even _worse _then I remembered," Remus said with awe.

Sirius reflexively jerked and his quill snapped in half.

"Told you," he hissed, smugly eyeing the new girl. "James, move your bag off the bench, she can-"

"Sorry I'm late," the girl said loudly to Sluggy, wiping sweat off her forehead. She strode to the furthest corner of the room where Snape sat alone.

The class gave an involuntary gasp.

"Is she trying to sit with _Snivellus_?" Sirius said in disbelief. It hadn't even been particularly loud but since the room was dead silent it carried. A few people laughed, and Snape, the only one who had been ignoring the interruption and feverishly writing notes instead looked up. The hostility in his eyes when the new girl walked his way was evident even from twenty feet away. The girl faltered.

"Hermione," Evans said loudly, "come sit with us."

"Yes, wonderful idea Miss Evans," Slughorn said while Sirius opened his mouth to protest. Remus kicked him. "Please join Miss Evans's group."

"What was that for?" Sirius snapped as Slughorn went back to blathering about reviewing Golpalott's Third Law for exams.

"Are you trying to get her bullied?" Remus said quietly as he bent to his notes again.

"What d'you mean?" Sirius said, confused and irritated.

"It's her first day and you keep singling her out for attention," Remus said, "you're going to set your groupies on her."

"I don't have groupies," Sirius said witheringly.

"Uh huh," James said sarcastically, "and your new girl isn't sweating like a pig right now."

"She's shimmering," Sirius said, "and she's not my girl."

Remus looked up form his notes at that and made eye contact with James. He silently told James not to do it. James silently responded that it would be so fun. Remus told him Sirius would kill him. James grinned.

"You're right," he said, "she was going for Snivelly, after all."

The poisonous look Sirius turned on him was deadlier then all of the potions Sluggy owned.

"She won't be able to resist me," he said coldly, "I told you. But some snogging doesn't make her my girl."

"You've snogged her?" Remus said, surprised. "When?"

"No," Sirius said casually, "not yet."

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Lucky," James grumbled, looking over at the new girl, "getting to sit next to Evans."

"Why am I even friends with you two?" Remus mumbled.

* * *

Sirius wouldn't have believed it was possible, but the mysterious new girl had managed to avoid him all day. She hadn't gotten up to gather the potions ingredients so he couldn't corner her in the potions closet. His next plan had been to walk with her after class, interrogating her on her lunatic choices of hairstyle, but a third year Hufflepuff had shown up to class and told Slughorn that the new girl was required in Dumbledore's office and she'd left early while Sirius swore under his breath in lurid detail. Her bushy head hadn't been in Muggle Studies and Remus said she hadn't been in Divination either. Lunch had been free of crazy haired women, and he couldn't find her outside studying on the grounds with the other seventh year Gryffindor girls, half of whom were with Evans by the lake and the other half sitting around the courtyard with Victoria Arnold. She hadn't even been in study hall or the library. After he'd been cornered by Sami Greengrass again in the hallway as he wandered around looking for the girl alone he gave up and went to dinner.

"Well, this is a wonderful turn of events," Remus said as they ate their steak and kidney pie, "I now have two stalkers as mates."

Pete and James snorted into their plates.

"It's hardly stalking," Sirius said, his voice carefully aloof, "first day is dull, that's all."

"First day is _never_ dull," James corrected through a mouthful of pie while Remus winced at the table manners. "You get to see who's gotten a horrible haircut over the summer. Which girl has given herself some sort of hideous makeover. Which pure-blood bloke has been gang-pressed into a miserable betrothal with some harpy who's showing off a giant rock."

"You sound like a girl," Sirius said witheringly.

"I didn't finish," James said, swallowing, "don't forget, you get to see whose tits have grown six times big-"

"James," Remus groaned while Pete began giggling uncontrollably.

"Arialle Linley," Sirius said promptly, "Arialle Linley is the answer every first day on whose tits have grown over the summer."

"Sirius," Remus groaned, and James joined Peter in giggling.

"You're such a wet blanket," Sirius said.

Occasionally, he was aware that his jabs were a little too vicious, that only he seemed to get away with saying these things with minimal repercussions, but that thought would often leave his conscience immediately. Remus turned pink while Pete giggled harder.

"Well, for those of us who _don't_ like to gossip like girls do," Sirius said to James, "first day back is as dull as a history of Magic lesson. Everyone's pretending they missed each other over the summer. You have to listen to all the tedious stories about vacations. Someone's going to show you some boring pictures. Smythwick's going to beg you to see your wardrobe so he can copy it. Some girl is going to try to flirt with you badly."

"I think that only happens to you," Pete said helpfully, "those last two."

Sirius paused, thrown off as usual when one of his mates reminded him that the female attention he received was not what most teenage boys got. He was never quite sure why he got it. Was it because he was handsome? Was it because he was smart, and funny? His natural charm? With the Slytherin girls it had been obvious to him that he was a highly desirable bachelor as heir to the Black family dynasty and fortune. He'd had to practically beat them off with a stick for five years even though he'd displayed endless blood traitor tendencies, including being sorted into Gryffindor. But when he'd been disowned, almost all of them had given him up as a lost cause, aside from the ones like Sami Greengrass. They puzzled him.

"Whatever," Sirius shrugged, "my point is, first day's boring. None of you are entertaining me and this new girl is weird."

"Cassiopeia Fawcett came up to me in Divination and told me the new girl was really rude to the girls last night," Pete said.

"What?" Sirius exploded, and all three of the other Marauders jumped.

"Geez, Pads," James grumbled.

"How did she get up the dorms last night? We watched for hours!" Sirius said, putting down his fork, agitated again.

"Dunno," Wormtail said, "I didn't think about that part."

Sirius stopped himself from saying "of course you didn't," with some difficulty. His New Year's resolution this past January had been to stop being rude to Pete when he was asking for it. He succeeded about twenty-three percent of the time, which was a vast improvement for him.

"But," Pete rallied, (clearly he had gathered some good gossip in Divination that Remus hadn't heard) "Fawcett said the new girl said Sirius was ugly."

"What?" Remus and James yelped together.

A few people looked over at them, saw the culprits, and grinned. It was good to be popular.

Sirius supposed the average boy he knew would've been insulted, wounded by the idea that a girl was going around saying he was ugly. But Sirius was not the average boy.

"I refuse to believe that," Remus said.

"You must have misunderstood, Pete," James agreed.

"I'm really flattered, boys," Sirius said, "I had no idea you had such strong ideas about my beauty."

"I don't," James retorted, "but you seem to have gotten all the girls brainwashed." he glanced at Evans, who was chatting with her friends and laughing. "Most of them, anyway."

"I'm telling you," Pete insisted, "Fawcett said Ginger-"

"Granger," James corrected.

"-_Granger_ said that Sirius was ugly and she _hated _him."

James and Remus exchanged looks, clearly doubting Pete's re-telling, while Sirius tried to look unbothered. He was, mostly. In fact, he was rather intrigued. It wasn't like the girl was beautiful or that he cared about her opinion. She was just the most uniquely shaped puzzle piece in his life at the moment, and she was more fun to think about then the look on Reg's face when they'd run into each other in Diagon Alley.

"Let's just ask Cassiopeia," Remus said, nodding his head to the girl a few seats down, "later, when no one else is-"

"Oi, Fawcett!" James said loudly, and half the Gryffindor table and the closest people in Hufflepuff stopped talking to observe what James Potter, Head Boy, charming mischief maker was up to now.

"What, Potter?" Cassiopeia said, smiling at him. The seventh year girls were drawn into battle lines on if they found the Marauders charming or intolerable or not, and Cassiopeia was one of the pro faction. For that alone, Sirius tolerated her often irritating presence.

"Pete says the new girl was saying some not so flattering things about our Sirius, here," James said.

"Oh, yeah," Cassiopeia said with relish, "she's a real charmer. We asked her why she had ignored Black, it was so rude. And she said cause he was annoying and ugly and she hated him," her friends nodded, Victoria Arnold rather vigorously.

Sirius raised one eyebrow. He'd believe it when he talked to the girl himself.

"That's not true," Amelia Connors said loudly from further down the table, and when she made eye contact with Sirius her cheeks grew pink in that way he'd grown very familiar with in girls. "She said that she hadn't noticed any gorgeous guys, that's all."

Sirius's other eyebrow raised.

"So which one of you called me gorgeous this time?" Sirius said, correctly guessing what had caused this comment from the new girl.

The boys at the Gryffindor table started laughing at the red faces of the seventh year girls. There were too many guilty looks to determine who had said it. Maybe all of them.

"No one," Amelia said finally, stuttering a bit.

"Sure," Sirius said, winking. Sometimes he just liked to torment people. He blamed his parents for this personality trait, as he did with most things.

"Remove your head from your own arsehole," a new female voice snapped waspishly, "unless you're trying to smother to death. In that case, carry on."  
Sirius glanced at the source. He'd never heard this girl's voice in his life. Striding to the Gryffindor table with a bag bulging with books, the owner of the voice sat down ungracefully next to a group of third years, shoveled pie onto her plate, and started stuffing her mouth without a second look at anyone engaged in the conversation she'd just interrupted. It was, of course, the girl with the terrible hair.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you all so much for your continued support! I will be posting some new stories as well in the near future if you'd like to follow my author page. :) Reviews are always appreciated.


	4. When Your Least Favorite Cousin is

**Chapter Four: When Your Least Favorite Cousin is a Death Eater...**

"I never thought I'd see the day, boys," James said with awe, the spectacle in front of him so engrossing he'd actually stopped eating for once. As he had for the past few years been in possession of, as his mother would say, a hollow leg (that could only be filled with food) this was an ominous sign.

"He's actually_ failing_," Pete said, his voice hushed like he was witnessing the apocalypse. His fork was down as well.

"I don't believe it," Remus said weakly, his hand half covering his mouth. He'd put it there some minutes ago. "It's...not possible."

The madness had descended to such depths that Remus was even ignoring a plate of chocolate tarts that had appeared in front of them.

"He's striking out hard," Dewey Hanks said from next to them.

"Striking out?" James said blankly.

"It's a Muggle thing," Hanks said, "a baseball game has these bats, right? And you have to-"

"Yeah, great," James said, distracted, "is she putting a book in front of his face? So she doesn't have to look at him?"

"Yes," Pete whimpered.

It had started out so hopefully, too. Sirius had grinned his most charming grin when he'd realized the girl who'd just insulted him in front of everyone had been Granger, as if he hadn't even heard the actual words she'd said about him sticking his head up his own arse.

Sirius had stood up, ignoring Remus's whispered agonized warning to sit, and swaggered over to the girl, ordering the third year girl on her left to depart (the girl looked at Sirius with eyes as big as her head and fled, pigtails flopping) and sat down on the bench next to the girl, straddling the bench sideways so he was facing her directly as she ate. Sirius even made sitting down on a bench at a table look cool. It was inspiring and sickening, all at once.

"Hello," he'd said, grinning charmingly. Remus hadn't been wrong in his prediction. Most of the girls who were close enough to observe what was happening were glowering at the new girl like she'd run over their pet kneazles. "I don't believe we've officially met. Sir-"

"Did you just scare off that innocent kid?" the Granger girl said, not even looking at Sirius, "when she was eating?"

"Scared?" Sirius said, still grinning, "of course not, I just-"

"Then why'd she run off?" Granger said, her voice flat.

"Dunno," Sirius had said, a faint note of irritation present now, "but that's not really important. I-"

"Who are you to decide what's important or not?" Granger said, still not looking at Sirius, scarfing her food at an undignified pace between words.

More and more people had stopped talking or eating to witness the spectacle in front of them.

"Look," Sirius said, the irritation more pronounced in his voice, "I'm just trying to welcome you to Gryffindor, here, and-"

"Thanks," the girl said, her voice even flatter, "now please go away. I'm busy."

Incredibly, she shoved food in her mouth with the fork in her right hand at the same time she pulled out a book with her left.

Cassiopeia Fawcett and Victoria Arnold, who had been sitting in the same stunned stupor most everyone had been, exchanged disgusted looks at this, but if the disgust was at the girl's eating habits, that she was reading a book, her rejection of Sirius, or the fact that Sirius was flirting with a very ordinary girl was a subject for debate.

It was at moments like this that James knew any other guy would flame out, make the situation worse, humiliate himself in front of the girl, but not Sirius, who would pull some clever maneuver out of his arse that absolutely no one else could get away with and the girl would giggle at him, smiling. He leaned forward, waiting.

"Sure you are," Sirius said easily, "You're busy talking to me. Best moment of your day so far, yeah?"

Proving James's point, most of the girls around them giggled, including Fawcett and Arnold and Connors. Evans rolled her eyes, stabbing at her chicken. James waited for the Granger girl to join in with the giggling.

"Yeah, right up there with that ghost wailing at me in the loo," Granger said.

Sirius, incredibly, laughed. It was his laugh that made the girls giggle and blush more.

"Master class," James mumbled, shaking his head in awe.

"Sirius Black," he said, holding out his hand at Granger, who was still eating food with one hand and grappling with her book with the other.

"Hermione Granger," she mumbled, ignoring the hand and still not looking at him, "now please go away. I've got a lot on my plate."

"Not for long, at the rate you're wolfing it down," Sirius said.

Remus groaned for some reason. Sure, it was a rough comment for most guys to pull off, but Sirius-

"Well I'm trying to get away from you, you see," Granger said matter-of-factly, still not looking at Sirius.

James dropped his fork.

Sirius laughed again, but this time, James knew it was forced.

"Can't handle these new feelings coursing through you?" Sirius said easily, "I understand. I have that effect on people."

Remus half covered his mouth with his hand. "No," he moaned.

"What, nausea?" Granger said, flipping the pages of her book with her left hand, "I mean, I believe that. But I assure you you certainly aren't the first boy who's inspired that in me. So don't go thinking you're special if I puke on you."

Pete choked on his pumpkin juice.

A hush had settled over most of the Gryffindor students eating. Some of the Hufflepuffs were craning their heads so hard from their table trying to overhear that a fifth year boy fell off the bench. No one took notice.

"Lust is confusing, true," Sirius rallied, and James was reminded for the first time ever of himself while watching Sirius talk to a girl.

It was so disconcerting he pinched himself to make sure he was awake.

"But it's a little lower in the body then nausea," Sirius said.

Sirius leaned in closer, and any other girl (aside from Evans of course who was made of better stuff) would've flushed.

"Thanks for the anatomy lesson," Granger said, "I'll make a note in my diary. Sexual interest occurs in the left heel."

Sirius had the oddest look on his face. He seemed frustrated, enraged, and amused, all at once.

"Good to know I've got the old left heel tingling," he finally drawled.

"How Achilles of you," Granger said shortly, turning another page.

"I have been known to be compared to Greek gods," Sirius said.

"What is he talking about?" Pete said, and though James was just as confused he couldn't seem to speak.

Watching Sirius fail at charming a girl he was putting in any effort to charm was akin to catching your parents having sex. The whole universe was upside down, and traumatizing. Everything he'd ever known was wrong.

"Achilles wasn't a god," Granger said, "he-"

"I know," Sirius shrugged, "I was taking creative license. At first I was going to call you Helen of Troy, but-"

"Are you going to go away or not?" Granger asked wearily, "I told you, I'm way too busy to discuss ancient Greek literature with some guy who thinks he's far more clever then he is."

A collective gasp, louder then when the girl had tried to sit with Snivellus rang out.

It had descended from there, until the girl had gone from ordering Sirius away to flat out ignoring him like he was a misbehaving toddler, to putting the book up between them while the other three Marauders grew increasingly stunned.

Sirius looked at the book the girl had put up,_ Ten Cases of Husband Murder Witches Got Away With _as if he'd never seen a book before in his life. He was lost for words. James hadn't ever thought it was possible. Sirius had talked himself out of trouble with every girl in the school. Even once in second year with Evans!

The girl finished her kidney pie, put down her fork with a clang that echoed in the silence of the watching Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs and stood, grabbing the book and shoving it back in her bulging bag. Sirius visibly pulled himself together, standing as well. Incredibly, he reached for her crammed book bag, clearly intending to carry it for her. Sirius had never carried even a book for a girl before. Probably not a single quill.

"What do you think you're doing?" the girl said, yanking back on her bag, but really, James would've bought any of the shocked girls in the vicinity as saying it.

"Walking you to the common room," Sirius said, trying for the bag again, "the chivalry of Gryff-"

"Piss off," Granger snarled, and Smythwick squealed like he'd been stabbed.

It must be confusing to watch your idol flame out so spectacularly, James thought dimly. It was disturbing enough for him to witness, and he'd not spent every second of his life since meeting Sirius aping him poorly.

"Charming," Sirius snorted, "very-"

The girl yanked her bag so hard from Sirius's grasp they both stumbled in opposite directions while witnesses giggled. Granger righted herself after a few iffy moments and then she was half way across the great hall before Sirius regained his footing. He took one step after her, seemed to notice the witnesses for the first time, and then abruptly made his way back to the group, sitting down, his eyebrows lowered thunderously.

"Remus told you not to go over there," James said. Remus mumbled a weak denial.

"It's alright, Pads," Pete tried, "she'll come to her senses. I bet she's waiting for you in the common room right now!"

"Yeah," Remus agreed unconvincingly.

"Don't patronize me," Sirius snarled.

"Cheer up," James said, "now you know what it's like to be me."

"A fate no man deserves," Sirius said rudely.

"Well now you can move on," James said, nettled. He was willing to take a lot from Sirius, and Sirius alone, but even he had a limit. "To one of the other five hundred birds who want you."

"I don't care about that," Sirius said, waving a hand, "she was putting on an act. Obviously."

"Obviously?" Remus said delicately.

"You heard me," Sirius said.

"What do you mean, an act?" James said. "Seems to me she kind of hates-"

"Whatever," Sirius waved a hand again, cutting him off, "maybe she likes girls. I don't care if she's dripping for me or not."

Pete giggled, and Remus's face twisted like he'd bitten into a lemon.

"So modest," James said.

"What _I _want to know," Sirius continued, ignoring them, "is why she's got books on dark magick in her bag?"

* * *

Granger was missing from the dorm again. Normally everyone would be asleep already, as it was half past ten and most of them had classes early the next morning, but the scene between Granger and Sirius Black had been so delicious the girls hadn't been able to stop talking about it. Even Lily found herself sucked in against her will. They were all hovering around Granger's side of the room, her ginger beast hissing at them from time to time as he guarded her bed, swishing his tail, discussing what could have possibly possessed her, the new girl, to rudely attack the arguably most popular boy in the entire school in such an aggressive manner.

"He had it coming," Sarah said, "personally, I enjoyed seeing Black knocked down a few pegs for once."

"She's mad," Cassiopeia said scornfully, "maybe blind. You said she tried to sit next to Snape, Donna? And then turns down _Sirius Black_? He even tried to carry her books!" She looked around at them all as if this were a winning argument, and perhaps it was.

Sirius Black was brave, bold, daring, but not at all chivalrous as far as the girls knew. There was one way in which he was chivalrous, that only the other members of the Marauders were aware of. Sirius Black was not someone who kissed and told. Much.

Victoria smirked at Lily. "Avoids Black and his friends but likes Snape? Sound familiar, Lils?"

Lily took a deep breath. She was Head Girl. She was Head Girl.

"I'm sure she didn't know better," she said evenly.

"Well someone's got to tell her who to avoid," Donna said.

"You don't need to make Sev an outcast," Lily said sharply, nettled.

"It's not that, Lily," Donna said gently, "it's just...she's obviously a Muggle-born."

"What do you mean, she's _obviously _a Muggle-born?" Lily said, feeling her irritation grow.

Unusually, she was the only Muggle-born girl in their year in Gryffindor, and it been difficult in the past. And sometimes it still was a struggle to fit in.

"I heard Professor Slughorn ask if she was one of the Dagworth-Grangers," Donna said, "and she said no. She said her parents were dentists."

"Den...teests?" Helena repeated like it was a foreign word.

"It's a Muggle profession," Lily admitted. "So, fine, she's Muggleborn. What does that have to do with her avoiding people?"

"C'mon, Evans," Victoria snorted, "you of all people should know why a Muggle-born girl should avoid Snivellus Snape and his little crowd of delinquents, don't you?"

"_I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her_!" rang through Lily's head and she tried not to react. Her fair skin betrayed her.

"I asked her to sit with us in potions," Lily said stiffly, "So she wouldn't sit next to Severus. If you recall," she shot that last part at Donna, who had been there as a witness.

She had suspected the girl was Muggle-born. The way she carried herself and spoke was different to witches. Lily had assumed Muggle parents in a different city then where she lived with her parents and Petunia was to blame for why Granger felt different to her. Lily of course, was right. And she was very wrong.

"Whatever," Victoria said, "I just want to know how she resisted Black."

The girls sat up gossiping into the early hours while the enormous ginger cat watched them with alert yellow eyes, but Hermione Granger never came to bed.

* * *

To the rest of the school, Sirius Black's strategy to win over one of the only girls in the school who was maybe interested in boys yet was not interested in him had a marked difference from the night before. He had shown up to breakfast, where the Granger girl was again eating food in a most unladylike fashion (as the Slytherin girls sniffed) a single red rose in his hand. He'd held it out, ignored, for a whole five minutes while he spoke to her before Granger finally took it and promptly handed it over to Smythwick, who burned crimson with embarrassed joy. Smythwick was wearing a motorcycle jacket even though he'd been given detention from McGonagall the first day for refusing to take it off in class. Inexplicably, he appeared to have rainbow sprinkles in his sandy hair, which was growing long enough to get in the way of his eyes.

The rest of the school saw Black's flirtatious grins, his extravagant compliments, the way he'd taken a lock of her bushy hair and smelled it like it was the sweetest perfume before the girl snatched it from his hands with a snarl, her fingers like claws she wished to poke in his grey eyes.

The seventh years in the N.E.W.T. Ancient Runes watched with increasing bewilderment while Sirius drew out the girl's chair next to him with exaggerated courtesy, wiped an invisible fleck of dust off of the seat, and whispered the answers to her louder then needed until Professor Babbling scolded him. Black had widened his eyes with faux innocence and protested that he was merely helping a new student in need of catch up. The girl's retort that she didn't need help echoed throughout the room while the girls present whispered about her ingratitude.

What they didn't see was what actually happened.

"Did you ever read the story of _Beauty and the Beast_?" Sirius asked the Granger girl as she inhaled her eggs.

"No, I grew up with Muggles and yet never read the fairy-tale of _Beauty and the Beast_," the girl said with heavy sarcasm.

"Muggle-born, eh?" Sirius said casually.

He shook the rose a little back and forth that he'd plucked from some gardens. Hopefully it wasn't one of Sprout's poisonous roses.

Everyone had been talking about Granger's loud announcement to Slughorn about her dentist Muggle parents the day before but even if they hadn't been, it was obvious to Sirius that she was Muggle-born. She acted entirely unlike any girl raised in a pure-blood household. That, of course, was entirely in her favor. As was the fact that she'd had the nerve to tell a class that included Snivellus and Mulcibur, most likely budding Death Eaters, that she was Muggleborn with absolutely no shame or alarm.

"That a problem?" the girl said through a mouthful of eggs.

"Well frankly, means you're less likely to care that I'm disowned," Sirius shrugged, "ten points for me."

"Anyone who cares about your monetary worth is a person to avoid," the girl said, buried in another book.

Sirius took note of the fact that she'd made no sign of surprise or interest that he'd been kicked out of his own family. He would consider it curious, except he assumed Cassiopeia Fawcett and her ilk had told Granger breathlessly as soon as possible about his almost penniless state, hoping to scare her away from Sirius. He was, of course, wrong. But he wouldn't know that for quite some time.

"How charitable of you to say," Sirius said, the rose still sticking out.

It had taken him a whole five minutes to find and pull it from the bush, and she wouldn't even look at it. He had no idea how blokes who actually had to spend effort winning over birds had the energy.

"That's me," Granger said through her eggs, "the height of generosity. Now why are you referencing Muggle children's literature to me?"

Her hair was in some twisted knot, but there were pieces of frizzy brown curls sticking out everywhere.

"You look like you've battled a light socket this morning and lost," Sirius said casually. He took a piece of her hair and smelled it. "Smells like it, too."

"Are you trying to impress me with random Muggle references?" the girl said.

She yanked away her frizzy lock, looking like she was going to dig her fingers into his eyes, but still not quite looking at him. It was an impressive feat, how she managed to insult him without even glancing his way. They were drawing a crowd again but Sirius had glared at everyone until they stayed a few feet clear. He didn't want this to be overheard.

"More like I'm trying to figure you out," Sirius said.

One of his many gifts was being able to say the obvious and having it be charming to almost everyone. His mother and McGonagall were two that didn't seem that impressed. As it turned out, so was this terribly coiffed girl.

"Here's a tip," she said, "don't insult people's appearance in order to 'figure them out.' Was the reference to _Beauty and the Beast_ also about my hair? Are you the fair maid locked in a castle?"

"Always," Sirius said, and he could've sworn a tiny twitch occurred at the corner of the girl's left side of her mouth. Encouraged, he continued. "I've got the tiara and everything. Of course, my father doesn't particularly care that some girl with crazy hair has got me locked in Gryffindor tower, so…."

"You appear to have escaped your tower," Granger said. She still had not looked at Sirius since that time in Diagon Alley.

"Yes, with the help of my prince," Sirius said, batting his lashes, gesturing at James, who, when the girl reluctantly followed his pointing finger, winked and blew a kiss at Sirius.

"Yet you've come back for more," Granger said, looking back at her book with a wrinkled nose, still not looking at Sirius. "be careful, in some versions the beast eats the fair maid alive."

"You can eat me whenever," Sirius said, "I wont put up a fight. Maybe in private, though? Don't want to ruin your reputation."

To his delight, the girl turned purple. Her hands shook. Probably with rage, but still. She took a deep breath.

"I've got better ways to spend four seconds," she said evenly.

Sirius laughed against his will. Everyone who'd been trying to eavesdrop grinned. Sirius Black was winning with a girl again. All was right with the world. They didn't have to know she'd just said Sirius was prone to premature ejaculation.

"Yeah," Sirius said, leaning in further, determined no one could hear the next bit. The girl refused to move in some sort of stubborn show of defiance, so his lips practically made it to her ear. "You've got better things to do. Like cast evil spells, like the sorceress who cursed the beast. That's where I was going with this."

Granger froze mid egg shovel.

"Nice selection," Sirius whispered, gesturing to her now closed book bag, "my dear old mum and dad have quite a few of them in their library. Of course, _Magyck Trycks for the Wyckyde_ has been banned for at least thirty years-"

Granger grabbed his rose and stood, her food half-eaten, swinging her book bag over her shoulder. She turned to look Sirius full in the face, her eyes unreadable. Sirius noticed that she had a cluster of light freckles on her nose.

"I'm the beast," she said quietly as their neighbors strained to overhear, "or I'm the maiden. But if I _was_ the sorceress, maybe you should stay away from me."

She thrust the rose at Smythwick, who Sirius was delighted to see had somehow procured rainbow sprinkles and placed them throughout his hair. Well. Something had to be funny today. And the fact that the strange new girl with a book bag full of blackest magic had just threatened him was not remotely amusing.

* * *

"What did you say to her when you pointed at me?" James asked as they walked to Ancient Runes together, Remus and Pete off to Care of Magical Creatures and study hall, respectively.

"I said you were my prince who'd rescued me from a tower," Sirius said shortly, his strides increasing. Sirius usually only walked fast when he was agitated. Judging by the fact that they were practically sprinting, James assumed his chat with the strange girl hadn't gone well. Again.

"Funny," James snorted, "but what did you really say?"

"That _is_ what I really said," Sirius said.

"Er, why?" James said when it became clear Sirius was done talking.

"I was trying out a literary metaphor," Sirius said shortly, "as an interrogation technique. Since she's resisting my normal technique."

"What, of snogging?" James snickered, "listen Pads, slow down, we don't even know if she's in Ancient Runes."

Sirius stopped dead and James almost slammed into him.

"That's not why I was—never mind. Look, James, this girl is dangerous. Let me handle it."

"What?" James said.

This was the most shocking thing Sirius had said to him in the past three months, and considering Sirius had smoked some pot and told him he was a fairy butterfly from Venus and also drunkenly told James that he should dye his hair flamingo pink that was saying a lot.

"Are you telling me some weird new girl is mixed up in dark magic and you don't want me to be a part of it?"

His chest puffed out. If there was one thing James Potter hated, it was dark arts. And those who practiced them.

"No," Sirius said, "I need to gather information first, Prongs. Then we can proceed together. But she won't tell me anything if you're hovering around doing your heroic act against dark arts at her."

"What does that mean?" James said, stung.

"It means," Sirius said, "that I was raised by dark arts practicing arseholes and surrounded by their pure-blood friends my whole life while you spent your time among decent folks. I know how to talk to a dark witch. You don't."

"Oh, is that why she likes you?" James said sarcastically.

His feelings shouldn't be hurt, not really. It wasn't an insult. But he'd been harboring a secret desire to join the Aurors, and an Auror knew how to finesse dark witches and wizards. Not leave it to his best friend to handle while he was useless.

"I'm assuming someone's told her who I am and what I believe," Sirius said, "she didn't seem surprised that I'm disowned. So yeah, of course a dark witch doesn't like me."

"Do you think she's some sort of double agent?" James said, his mind turning rapidly, "maybe from another country? Maybe she's a lot older then us, right, and has been sent here to recruit-"

"Maybe she knows Bellatrix," Sirius said, his eyebrows drawn, "one of those books she had was always a favorite of Bella's. Maybe she got it from the she-beast when she visited my parents last with her terrible father."

"Pads," James said after a pause, "respectfully, that doesn't quite make sense." He knew his friend didn't always see clearly where his family was concerned.

"Oh, and a foreign older secret agent who speaks English with a perfect British accent does?" Sirius said cuttingly.

"She's a Muggle-born," James said, "how would she know Bellatrix?"

Sirius's jaw clenched. "Maybe she's not Muggle-born," he said finally.

"Haven't you been making weird Muggle references at her?" James said.

He wasn't trying to be cruel to his mate, he wasn't, but he needed Sirius to come to his senses and start acting like himself again.

"Yeah," Sirius said, his expression dark, "and I'm waiting for her to trip up."

They walked into Ancient Runes together, Professor Babbling smiling at them and welcoming them to their seventh year.

James sat down at their usual table, but Sirius kept standing, looking uncomfortable. Or as uncomfortable someone as confident as Sirius ever looked.

"Why aren't you sitting?" James said impatiently as more of the class filed in. The girl hadn't shown her sour face yet, but he knew where this was going.

"Thought I'd shake it up a bit," Sirius shrugged, putting his hands in his pockets.

Geraldine Gudgeon walked in, saw Sirius, half started walking his direction, stopped due to immediate fear, and was almost bowled over by the new girl slamming into her in the doorway.

"Watch it!" Granger snarled. She was sweating inexplicably again. Her bag was at least twice as full with books as it had been at breakfast.

Geraldine turned bright red as she straightened up, moving her twisted skirt as everyone looked at them. She was clearly about to apologize before she saw who had run into her.

"Please take your seats girls," Professor Babbling said, forestalling a potential cat fight.

Shame. James's money was on Granger, but Geraldine had shown a streak of concentrated crazy you couldn't overlook from her continued obsession with Sirius.

Granger stalked around Geraldine after a glare at the girl, grumbling. Sirius sprang forward, pulling out the chair Granger had been about to settle in, drawing it out with an exaggerated movement, half bowing like her personal butler after he'd wiped off the spotless seat.

Even James, who had dressed up like a beetle the year before when he'd heard Lily Evans loved them, thought it was overkill.

Granger glared at Sirius like he was a real beetle as large as James had been. He hadn't been able to live that one down for awhile. Sirius and Remus had kept breaking into fits of laughter and singing random snatches of catchy songs about holding hands and diamonds in the sky. But how was he supposed to know it was a musician, and not an insect that Evans loved? Muggle culture was so strange sometimes.

Sirius grinned his most handsome smile, and pulled out the chair next to Granger.

"Go away," she hissed audibly.

Well, at least she was looking at Sirius in the face now. That was an improvement. James wasn't sure how long she could manage to look at the face that hypnotized half the girls in the school before she stopped wanting to claw it to shreds. Come to think of it, that was probably Sirius's new strategy. Hypnotize Granger with his face.

"Take a seat," Professor Babbling repeated, voice more annoyed now.

Sirius promptly turned his grin on their professor instead and sat down next to Granger, while Geraldine was forced to sit next to James. Absolutely no one was happy about any of this except, of course, for Sirius.

"So my friend thinks you're a secret Russian agent," Sirius said quietly to the girl as she took neat, tiny notes, her mouth in a thin line that strongly resembled McGonagall.

It was harder to tell who looked more distraught at him whispering in the new girl's ear, James or Geraldine Gudgeon.

The lips pressed tighter, the fingers around the quill whiter.

Professor Babbling kept discussing the plan for the next year to prepare them for N.E.W.T.S.

"You've somehow lost your secret agent accent, of course. Oh, he also thinks you're thirty-five."

The lips were gone. The girl had no lips. A tragedy. Sirius had, at one point, been planning on kissing said lips for idle fun. Just once or twice, until he grew bored as usual.

"Mr. Black, please pay attention!" Professor Babbling said. "I am trying to conduct a lesson."

"Sorry, Professor," Sirius said, trying out his most sunny grin, "just trying to help a new student catch up!"

"I don't need help catching up," Granger said loudly.

"Thank you for your consideration, Mr. Black," Professor Babbling said, "now please stop distracting my class."

"But of course," Sirius said, flicking a lock of hair out of his eye. Geraldine sighed next to James, who rolled his eyes.

"But we know better, don't we?" Sirius whispered, when Professor Babbling turned to the board to write. "I bet you got that book from my cousin, huh? _Mysteries of Ancient Evil_?"

The girl stopped writing. Her fingers around the quill were so white from the tightness in which she was clenching the quill the death of said quill due to snappage was imminent.

"Or maybe dear little Regulus?' Sirius whispered, "I know that' s a Black family book, don't-"

"I don't know what you're talking about," the girl said carefully, her mouth barely moving. Sirius had to lean in to hear her. "I don't know who you mean."

"Sure you don't," Sirius snorted, "You've deigned to learn more about Muggles then Bella and her crowd, I'll grant you-"

The girl's eyes met his, and the rage in her face made Sirius suck in a startled breath.

"Are you calling me a Death Eater?" she hissed.

Within a moment, Sirius knew he'd been right about how dangerous the girl was. The kind of anger in her face he knew well. He didn't see it in James or Remus or Pete or Evans or all her little friends. Reg had it. Snivellus had it. It was the kind of anger born of years of terrible things happening to you. It was the kind of anger of a powerful magical person. It was the anger he saw in his own face in the mirror from time to time.

"So you do know Bella," he said quietly, "if you know she's a Death Eater."

The girl's face went blank, and she looked away, hastily picking up her quill again.

"The girls gossip," she said after a moment, her voice low. Geraldine was staring at the pair of them, near to tears, but they didn't notice.

"Must be great gossip, if you can hear it without even being in your dorm all night," Sirius said smoothly.

"What, are you stalking me?" Granger said.

She got dark pink patches on her upper cheekbones when she was angry, and her eyes flashed in a way that was vaguely appealing. Appealing if she wasn't a dark witch, that was.

"The girls gossip," Sirius shrugged. He tried not to look smug. Remus had told him once that it made him very unappealing. But he couldn't quite mask it.

"I'm a Muggle-born," the girl said, the pink patches of rage spreading as Professor Babbling kept writing, "I told you. How, exactly, would I be working with someone who's a known Death Eater?"

"_Is_ she a known Death Eater?" Sirius said, trying for casual and hitting smug again. "I thought that was only known to my family."

"It's not," Granger said shortly, "and I'm not working with Voldemort. So leave me alone."

Sirius's eyes widened. Aside from himself and his friends, who had the power of teenage boy bravado (even Pete once when they'd gotten him drunk enough) he'd yet to meet anyone who was willing to say the name without a fuss. Except Dumbledore, of course.

"You said his name," he said, surprised.

He glanced again at the bulging bag of books for strength. On top was a volume called _How to Bend Others to Your Will_.

"Did he give you permission or something?"

"Yes," Granger said.

She looked so mad Sirius was positive she wanted to hit him with her clenched left fist. The right was still holding the quill. Maybe she'd stab it in his eye.

"You know, he loves us Mudbloods so much."

"You're not Muggle-born," Sirius said. Sure, she'd fooled him with her odd behavior earlier, but he'd learned all about Muggles as well, as a pure-blood, hadn't he? And no Muggle-born would be caught dead with a copy of _Mudblood Invasion_. And he'd seen it in her bag the day before. He knew he had.

"Oh no?" Granger said. Her voice was shaking she was so angry.

She turned over her left arm so the inner arm was up, and pulled back her robes. Staring Sirius in the face was a series of red ugly scabs that formed one word._ Mudblood_. Without thinking, he reached out, tracing the scabbed letters with his aristocratic fingers. It was an older wound. She hadn't just done it. But it wasn't that old either.

"Why didn't you heal this?' Sirius said, his voice low, still tracing the wound. His fingertips tingled with the traces of dark magick.

"I couldn't," the girl said shortly.

He believed her. He could feel the darkness in whatever had cut her. It was an especial talent of his, one that he thought he'd gotten growing up in a den of evil. James couldn't do it.

There was a loud bang from across the room, and Sirius quickly moved his hand away from the Granger girl.

Half the class was gaping at them. Geraldine had fainted off her bench. A Ravenclaw girl was bent over her, but James, who had been closest to Geraldine, hadn't moved. He was staring at Sirius with his eyes bugged out behind his glasses, jaw askew. Merlin. He'd have to tell James to never make that face near Evans if he ever wanted to get laid. It made him look like an owl that had been struck be lightning.

Professor Babbling was rushing over to Geraldine as well, telling everyone else to step back and give the girl air. The commotion, temporarily, was off of them. Sirius looked at Granger.

"Don't call me a Death Eater," she said. Her sleeve was back in place, covering the ugly scar.

"Are you going to explain your books?" Sirius asked as Geraldine was revived, eyes fluttering.

"No," the girl said, "I told you. Leave me alone. I'm not doing anything you need to worry about. Go off and snog some girls and enjoy your seventh year."

She waved her hand in the direction of a clump of girls in the corner, not looking at Sirius again.

"But what," Sirius said, leaning in to whisper in her ear, and the smuggest expression yet flashed over his face when he saw her neck get goose pimples, "if I want to snog _you_?"

There was a second loud bang in Professor Babbling's first N.E.W.T. class of the year when Sirius Black went flying over three desks and crashed onto the Slytherin duo of Daisy Parkinson and Gidget Warrington, the first of whom screamed and shoved him away, the latter whom pretended to do the same but grabbed at him in a manner highly unbecoming of a Slytherin pure-blood girl first.

Sirius sat up, rubbing his head. James was making the face even worse. Professor Babbling was rushing over to Sirius in a panic. Gidget pinched his bum.

Granger pushed back a lock of her terrible hair and continued copying Professor Babbling's notes in her tiny, neat handwriting. Well. This year was going to be fun.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you for your continued support and comments! :)


	5. Knickers on Parade

**Chapter Five: Knickers on Parade**

Lily had about had it with being Head Girl. It had only been a week, yet she'd had to take deep breaths and remind herself of how good the position would look on applications and interviews for her future career. Then she'd had to remind herself killing the Head Boy and making it look like an accident might reflect poorly on her chances at advancement. She'd had to grip her wand so she didn't hex Sirius Black into a pile of smug ooze for his continual, bizarre quasi stalking of the new girl. She'd had to count to ten and visualize her badge during Defense Against the Dark Arts when Daisy Parkinson had suggested she pair up with Sev for the refresher on dueling. And now she had to grit her teeth and wade into the fourth fight between Victoria Arnold and Granger, the new girl who had done absolutely nothing to recommend herself to anyone aside from Sirius Black.

"I told you to leave my things alone," Granger was snarling, every strand of her hair sticking out in opposing directions.

Amelia had offered to help Granger with hairstyles on the second day of classes, a generous offer from Amelia, who was desperately trying to stomp on her crush on Black to the girl who was winning his affections. Well, Granger was winning Black's _attention_ at least. Lily wasn't sure if Sirius Black ever displayed affection.

Granger had asked Amelia what was wrong with her hair, a challenging gleam in her brown eyes. Amelia had hesitated, clearly searching internally for a constructive way to say "tons" or "your hair looks like a prank someone has played on you that you haven't noticed yet" before Victoria had jumped in and said "what _isn't_ wrong with your hair?" prompting their second fight of the week. The third had had something to do with Black again, of course. On top of all that Lily had had to give detention to a pair of Ravenclaws who'd hexed purple tentacles into Granger's hair the day before. The girl had not exactly been making friends.

"I didn't touch your things," Victoria said with a sneer, her expression showing her disdain for Granger's meager belongings in their worn trunk.

"Crookshanks says you did," Granger said shortly.

You could hear a pin drop at this lunacy.

"Crookshanks," Victoria said slowly, "your cat."

"Yes my cat," Granger snapped, looking around at all of them like they were the crazy ones, not her. "So don't go thinking you can lie your way out of this one. I know you tried to rummage in my trunk."

"Your _cat _told you," Cassiopeia repeated.

Granger's eyes narrowed. "Forget it," she snapped, "I'll just hex my trunk next time. You touch it, your hand gets covered in spots that say 'thief' forever."

Lily caught eyes with Sarah. This was more then Granger being unpleasant, more then her frequently going missing, more then her insisting her cat talked to her. There wasn't a hex that left you covered in spots that formed words. It didn't exist. Granger was perhaps, insane.

"Hermione," Lily said gently, "I can help you with a locking charm."

"I don't need a locking charm, Lily P-" Granger caught herself, gave Lily a very strange, guilty look, and then continued, "-Princess. And if I did, I could do it myself."

"Lily Princess?" Helena said witheringly, crossing her arms. Ever since the first potions lesson of first year when Lily had gotten called a Mudblood by Daisy Parkinson Helena had been overprotective of Lily. "Not much of an insult, is it?"

"Whatever," Granger said, looking away, and then she muttered something at her trunk, a tiny wisp of light hitting it. "No one better touch this again. Don't say I didn't warn you."

And for the third time since the girls had met her, Hermione Granger yanked her bed hangings shut with vigor and ignored them.

Lily saw the other girls turn and look at her. She grimaced. Well, there was a first for everything. And that first was uniting all of the usually bickering seventh year Gryffindor girls in something. Unfortunately for Granger, that something was united dislike of her.

* * *

"Reg," Sirius said, "a moment, if you would."

His brother was emerging from Slughorn's sixth year potions class with the odious duo of Godfried Rosier and Heath Mulcibur, the younger siblings of twits that actually sought out Snivellus's company. Well. It's not like his brother ever had had any taste.

Reg, as predicted, looked torn between a desire to act like Sirius didn't exist and an urge to sock him in the face. Considering Sirius, who was leaning against the wall with his uniform disheveled in a way that made the sixth year Gryffindor girls (along with a significant number of the sixth year Slytherin girls) giggle and sigh was both hard to ignore and hard to hit, Reg was going to lose either way. But it entertained Sirius to watch the twerp struggle. Reg stepped forward, his fists at his sides. Violence had won. Well, perhaps Reg wasn't as gutless as Sirius thought.

"What are you doing, Regulus?" Rosier the younger drawled.

Evan Rosier had been in the year above Sirius, a good looking boy with curly brown hair, dimples, and a charming smile that hid the rotten interior. If Sirius hadn't personally witnessed and recognized Bellatrix's owl delivering mail to Evan last spring he would've been fooled by his little act as well. Evan Rosier, like Sirius, was one of the top eligible pure-blood bachelors. Now that Sirius was disowned, perhaps the top prospect for the pure-blood girls. Godfried Rosier, like Regulus, was less attractive, shorter, and sourer. Sirius suspected their shared status as lesser brothers in every way bonded them as friends. Certainly Godfried Rosier didn't have much else to recommend him to anyone.

Reg stopped halfway to where Sirius was leaning against the corridor wall, his fists clenched now.

"Why are you wasting time on some disowned blood traitor?" Godfried sneered.

Heath Mulcibur laughed. There was a flash in Reg's eyes as his classmates dawdled, gawping at part seventy-two of the _Black Family Drama, Brother's Edition_.

Sirius felt the tiniest stab of pity for Reg. At least Sirius had real friends. And here was Reg having to navigate the friendship that was really a constant one-upmanship with some pure-blood lesser sons. He took that stab of pity, strangled it, and buried it where he kept his last shred of love for his parents.

"You're welcome for that by the way," Sirius said, drawing out a cigarette to show how supremely unconcerned he was at Reg's tense stance and fists, "I've made you the most eligible bachelor in school."

"Hardly," Albert Avery, a pure-blood who was Reg's enemy but also hated blood traitors like Sirius and was therefore probably very confused right now sneered, "you Blacks have got a high opinion of yourselves."

Reg took a step back, his eyes that were the exact shade of grey as Sirius's were stormy.

"Sorry, are you letting a bunch of bitter second sons insult _you_, the Black family heir?" Sirius drawled, lighting his cigarette. "Mother would be appalled."

Even he didn't know if he was insulting Reg or defending him. Perhaps both.

Reg's spine straightened. "Everyone clear off," he said, his voice firm, not looking behind him. Sirius wasn't sure when Reg's voice had dropped this low. It was strange missing out on your own brother growing a foot taller and talking more like a man then a little kid.

"Regulus," Godfried tried, "you shouldn't-"

"Who are you to tell me what I should or shouldn't do?" Reg said, turning with his nose in the air.

Ah. There was his arrogant little brother. Sirius had wondered if the balls dropping had removed Reg's sixteen years of brainwashing on how he was the greatest thing to grace the Earth. Sirius took a drag on his cigarette, making eye contact with a conflicted looking Slytherin girl who he was pretty sure he'd been forced to dance with at some pure-blood ball shortly before he'd been disowned. Her cheeks went crimson. Sirius grinned at her and winked. Toying with pure-blood girls and their confused hormones battling their years of decorum drilling was one of his favorite hobbies.

"What's all this?" Slughorn boomed from inside the half open door to the potions classroom, coming into the hallway and seeing the tableau in front of him.

Sirius took an ostentatious drag on his cigarette.

"Nothing, Professor," Reg said smoothly.

He was one of Sluggy's favorites. In his stupid little Slug Club with Evans and everything. Back before the disownment, James had begged Sirius to ask Reg for stories of Evans in the club until Sirius had pointed out that James could just join the damn club himself. It wasn't like Sluggy didn't want him. Wanted him and Sirius in it perhaps to a disturbing degree. Sirius could've sworn he'd seen Sluggy licking his lips when looking at him once last year in class, but no one believed him.

"Mr. Black, please put out that—whatever that is," Sluggy said, indulgently, wagging a finger at Sirius like he was a misbehaving toddler.

Good old Sluggy. Predictable and insufferable as always. Sirius threw down the cigarette and stomped on it with his shoes that were in no way regulation. They were in fact boots that were more in place at a punk concert. He was just waiting to see which professor lost their mind over them first. The smart money was on McGonagall, of course.

"And the rest of you make your way to your next class," Sluggy said, making shooing motions with his hands.

"It's lunch, Professor," Albert Avery said, using his weasely arse kissing voice for his Head of House.

"So it is," Sluggy boomed, locking the door behind him. "Why don't I escort everyone up? Except you boys of course," he said, winking at the brothers, "I think it's about time you two talked, don't you?"

There was no fighting with a Head of House, particularly one as influential and infuriating as Sluggy, so the rest of the group grumbled and walked away, the Slytherin girl with red cheeks turning periodically to peer at Sirius while she played with the end of her ponytail. He supposed she was trying to look coy in a girlish way, but it was rather repulsive. Sirius had never liked that type of girl behavior, yet they all persisted in trying it on him. He felt a slight sore spot in his back when he moved away from the wall that was courtesy of Granger making him fly across the room in Ancient Runes the other day. Well. _Most_ girls tried to play coy and girlish with him.

Sluggy turned once last time with another grotesque wink that promised another invitation to the Slug Club in Sirius's future. Unbidden, Sirius wondered what exactly his brother _did _talk about with Lily Evans in the Slug Club. From what he understood, Slughorn kept things pleasant in meetings, so Regulus's usual bigotry wouldn't go down well. He supposed his brother just ignored her.

"So has he ever tried to touch your cock?" Sirius asked his brother casually, drawing out a fresh cigarette.

"_What_?" Reg said, his careful look of superiority over his elder, misbehaving brother dropping in a flash.

"No?" Sirius said, "well, keep an eye out. He licked his lips once at me last year. I swear."

"I should've thought you were used to that sort of thing," Reg sneered, recovering admirably. He gestured after where his classmates had disappeared. "Penny Travers for one was about to pull yours out, I think."

Sirius snickered. "The one with the red face? Well, think of it as me weeding out the undesirables for you."

"I do," Regulus said coldly, "you've helped narrow down the list quite a bit."

"How do you explain crossing off one like that?" Sirius said, puffing on his cigarette because he knew how much it annoyed his brother. "To our parents, I mean. She's not as ugly or crazy as most of them. Her mother's properly obsequious to our hag of a mother if I recall. So how do you explain turning down a girl like that?"

"Easily," Reg said, "I say she's a whorish blood-traitor. Lusting after a disgrace like you. Mother of course agrees with removing filth like that from consideration. Imagine her being the lady of our family?" He laughed. But it was cold, his facial expression colder.

Sirius mock sighed. "What a pickle for you. Soon there won't be anyone left for you if some bird blushing at my bone structure makes you cross her out for the honor of living in the Black family house of horrors. Who's top of your list now?"

"Genevieve Bletchley is mother's pick," Reg said stiffly.

Sirius raised his eyebrows, surprised Reg was giving him ammunition like this. But then he looked closer at his brother's rigid facial expression.

"She tried to snog me fourth year," Sirius said casually, "you could mention that to the hag in a letter."

Reg's shoulders relaxed a fraction. "I shall," he said, "what a pity."

"The words you're looking for are "thank you," Sirius said.

Reg's fists closed again. "Thank you," he said finally, jaw also clenched. Reg must really hate Bletchley to actually thank him.

"There, see?" Sirius said, "that wasn't so bad. Brotherly bonding. Any other bint you want me to snog to get off the harpy's list?"

Reg sighed. "Does Sami Greengrass still like you?"

"What's wrong with Sami?" Sirius said, surprised.

As pure-blood Slytherin girls went, she wasn't a complete loon, inbred to the point of hideousness, dumb, or mean. That was more then enough to recommend her as a bride.

"Nothing," Reg said, "I mean, unless you've snogged her too."

"I thought all it took was a blush to get her off your list," Sirius said shrewdly, "which, I've gotten quite a few this year already from her."

Reg scowled. "_Have_ you snogged her too, Sirius? Sometimes I wonder if your tongue is going to fall off."  
"Nope,"' Sirius said, "you know pure-blood Slytherin girls are not my type. You could do worse then her, you know."

"No, apparently mysterious Muggleborn Gryffindor transfers with the worst hair I've seen in years are your type now," Reg said, ignoring his last comment.

"I'm so glad you brought her up," Sirius said, walking closer to his brother. Reg might've grown a foot and his voice might've dropped lower, but he still had a solid fifty pounds on his baby brother.

"Tell me the truth," Reg say, "everyone is so confused but I know you. You're attracted to her because she's the girl most likely to stop mother's heart if she saw you out together, yes?"

"Evans?" Sirius countered.

"She's Head Girl at least," Reg shot back, "and she's got nice hair. She's not bad looking."

Sirius filed this away, a bloom of suspicion rising in him. What was it about Evans and blokes with black hair? He kept his face blank so Reg wouldn't notice anything amiss.

"Evan's father also ran into Satan's Daughter in the Leaky Cauldron," Sirius reminded his brother, "starting a deeply humiliating public brawl."

"I remember," Reg said, an edge in his voice. "The new girl looks poor and she's ugly. Mother would hate that more."

"She's not ugly," Sirius heard himself say without thinking.

His brother had the same purposefully blank look on his face that Sirius had just had, and he realized Reg was doing his own filing. It was bad enough Reg was trying to gather power over him. It was worse to be reminded that they had any personality traits in common.

"Anyway," Sirius said, shoving down his boiling rage, "I'm not attracted to her. That's not what this is about. And I'm pretty sure the old bitch would be maddest to see me with Narcissa. Tainting the Black female family line and all."

"Are you joking?" Reg said, his eyebrows up, "I think mother would reinstate your status as heir if you bagged Narcissa away from Lucius," his lip curled when he mentioned Lucius, who was the kind of arsehole only a mother could love.

"The she-beast does enjoy that fun cousin inbreeding," Sirius said, "you're right. Still. There's got to be someone worse then Granger."

"Albus Dumbledore," Reg said seriously.

Sirius, who had been mid drag, inhaled wrong and choked. Then he started laughing. After a pause, Reg joined in. That buried part in Sirius twinged. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd laughed with Reg.

"Noted," Sirius said, "I'll ask him to marry me next time I see him."

Reg tried to fight it, but he smiled. "I'll ask Evans. She can disown us both."

Inside of Sirius the buried part burst free, swooping through him with hope. No. He couldn't let this happen again. Reg had disappointed him too many times. But he couldn't help himself.

"And then who would be heir?" he grinned, "Kreacher?"

"We can marry him off to a free elf," Reg said, "make her head spin off."

Sirius laughed again. Why was his brother doing this now, when he had to confront him. He'd tried so many times to get Reg to see the light. And it never worked.

"You could marry whoever you want," Sirius said, "find someone you actually like. Or you could never get married."

Reg's smile dropped like a candle being blown out. "No I can't," he said flatly, "maybe I had more options before you ran off and left me heir. But not now."

"But why?" Sirius persisted against every ounce of logic screaming in his body. He knew how this was going to end and yet he did it anyway. "Listen, don't live your life for them. You don't owe them anything."

Reg's expression was closing off, and Sirius knew he should shut up for his own sanity, but he couldn't stop. This was the first real conversation they'd had since that horrible night when his parents had driven him to running away at the age of sixteen, leaving most of his belongings behind while their screamed insults and threats rung in his ears. Reg had been crying. He'd been trying to get them all to stop shouting at each other.

"You _could _marry Evans," Sirius said, brushing off James's feelings. It was never going to happen for James anyway. "She's clever enough. I think she'd amuse you."

"I was joking," Reg said, his face twisting, "you think I want to marry a filthy Mud-"

"Or whoever you want," Sirius cut in, "hell, marry a guy, who cares? You can tell them to get stuffed. Live by your own rules."

Reg's arms were crossed. He took a step back.

"Come live with me," Sirius heard himself saying, a hint of desperation in his voice he was trying to control, "I've got room. My own flat. I've got some money, I'll get a job curse-breaking next year and I can get a nicer place, take care of us-"

"You've lost it," Reg said, shaking his head with disgust, "why would I want to be another disgrace to our family to live in some filthy hovel with you? Watching you ruin your life? Associating with trash like blood traitors and Mudbloods?"

It would've hurt less if Reg had taken a knife and stabbed him in the gut.

"Never mind," Sirius said, throwing down the second cigarette close to Reg, who jumped back. He stomped on it harder then he needed to. "I forgot, you're up the hag's shriveled fanny still."

"Don't talk about my mother like that," Reg said, riled.

Sirius snickered. Every time. Every time, with pure-bloods and their mothers.

"Sure," he said easily, "when you explain to me why the new girl's got the Black family copy of _Darkest Magycks of the Universe_ in her bag."

"_What_?" Reg said. It was clearly the last thing he'd been expecting to hear. Unless his brother had gotten substantially better at lying, which had always been Reg's weakness, Sirius knew he hadn't given Granger the book.

"Or did Bellatrix take it and give it to her?" he persisted. "When's the last time you saw her demonic face?"

"Same time you did," Reg said, still looking confused, "fourth year. That Christmas where she raved about The Dark Lord for hours, remember?"

"The Dark Lord?" Sirius repeated, a pit of ice in his stomach. "You mean, Voldemort?"

He expected Reg to yelp or jump, but he was made of sterner stuff then he gave him credit for.

"If you want to call him that," Reg said. "I don't consider that wise."

"You haven't seen her at a cotillion?" Sirius persisted, "a wedding? Aunt Druella's house?"

"No," Reg said, frowning in concentration, "she's been in France with Rodolphus. I think she makes mother uncomfortable."

Sirius would scoff at anyone pure-blood making the old dragon uncomfortable if he hadn't witnessed that disastrous Christmas in fifth year himself. Bellatrix was a fruit cake missing half the fruit, but packed chock full of nuts.

"So who gave her that book?" Sirius said.

"Sorry, are you saying that new girl you've been following around has got one of father's dark magic books in her bag?" Reg demanded. "How do you know it's ours?"

"Well it's got the Black family crest stamped on the front cover," Sirius said, "that kind of gave it away. And it's possible she has more. She's got at least twenty books stuffed in there. And the ones I saw all looked like father's style."

"You know I wouldn't give a Mudblood our family volumes," Reg said, looking irritated, "what's wrong with you?"

"Yeah, but what if she's not a Muggle-born?" Sirius said intently.

"Of course she is," Reg snorted, "look at her. Look how she acts."

"Look how she's pretending to look and act," Sirius said, "look at the fact that she hasn't been in the dorms barely at all at night. Look at how she's carrying around volumes of black magic."

Reg looked at him, calculating. "So this isn't a way to get mother angry," he said finally, "you're trying to figure out what she's up to. Who she really is."  
"Ten points to Slytherin," Sirius said.

"I _knew_ she wasn't your type," Reg said.

"I don't have a type," Sirius said. Reg was looking at him strangely. He didn't know why. But then he hadn't understood his brother in years.

"I'll write mother," Reg said finally, "ask her for the book. But I need a favor."

"Yeah?" Sirius said, "name it."

"Snog Genevieve Bletchley and Daisy Parkinson where someone in Slytherin witnesses it. Preferably a gossip. Then I can tell mother how unsuitable they are."

"Done," Sirius said, "it shouldn't take long. But you'll have to Obliviate it out of my head later, if you don't mind. Douse me with a disinfecting spell."

"Consider it done," Reg said, a faint hint of a smile on his face. Sirius stuffed his hands in his pockets so he wouldn't do something foolish like try to hug his brother. He knew better.

* * *

"There's Sirius's bird," Pete said, voice always a bit too loud for the library as usual.

He nudged James, who looked up from the list he'd been writing on ways to woo Lily Evans. It had started out as transfiguration homework for McGonagall, and then something had gone awry.

Remus, who was actually doing his transfiguration homework, looked up as well and spotted the new girl in a dimly lit corner, a pile of books tottering all around her, about to topple over and crush her to death. She had her head in her hands in between feverish bouts of writing on parchment.

"How has her hair gotten worse?" Remus asked.

Granger's hair was sticking out so far around her head it was as if it were a Muggle clown wig on her head. Sirius had dressed up as one for Halloween in third year and explained to James what it was. For some reason, it seemed to scare the Muggleborns silly. Sirius had made the clown look poor to make sure the pure-bloods were scared as well. It had been his most dastardly costume to date.

"It didn't even rain today," Pete said doubtfully, "so it couldn't have been lighting, right?"

James pulled out a small square mirror from his trouser pocket. He bent to speak into it, then reconsidered.

"You're not letting him know?" Remus said shrewdly. He'd been able to tear his gaze away from the girl and her hair crisis at last.

"Where is Sirius right now, mates?" James asked rhetorically, but of course Pete answered.

"Wandering around the dungeons."

"And why is that, Wormy?" James said, putting down the mirror, getting warmed up.

"He heard a rumor she was down there trying to talk to Snivellus."

"And was that rumor from a good source?" James said, leaning back and cracking his knuckles.

"No," Pete said promptly, "it was from our mortal enemy. One of them, anyway."

It wasn't like Marvin Mulcibur didn't have company in that category.

"And yet, he went anyway, into almost certain danger," James said. "Why?"

Pete looked stumped. Well, he'd been following along far better then usual, anyway.

Remus sighed. There was a reproachful gleam in his eye he was trying to suppress.

"You're the one who fed his delusion that she's some sort of agent of evil," he told James.

They all looked at the girl, who was furiously muttering to herself under her breath in between yanking on chunks of the curly mess that was her hair. She dropped her quill on the floor and when she went to pick it up banged her head on the underside of the table.

"Truly a villainous mastermind," Remus said dryly.

"I'm not aiding anymore," James said, annoyed, "that's why I'm not letting him know," he put the mirror back in his pocket. "Pads has got a problem. He's got to move on to another bird."

"A bit rich coming from you," Remus mumbled.

Pete snickered, then covered his mouth immediately, his eyes apologetic.

"I'll have you know Evans talked to me for an hour yesterday," James said with dignity, "there was not a single hex or drink thrown."

"You mean for your mandatory Head meeting with Dumbledore?" Remus said, clearly trying not to laugh. "The one she had to go to? With our Headmaster? Who she can't really misbehave in front of?"

"She told me to stuff my tie in my mouth last time we were around Dumbledore so she's not above it," James said, refusing to be brought down. "So yeah, I'm making progress."

"I'm sure Sirius will make progress too," Pete said loyally.

"Speak of the devil," Remus said when their erstwhile friend wandered in, clomping around in those ridiculous boots McGonagall had yelled at him about earlier in the day.

Remus had won twenty-five sickles in the group pool the Gryffindor seventh year boys had going on. He had bet it would be McGonagall who would snap first. Although James could've sworn Sirius had tipped a shadow of a wink Remus's way before he'd stretched out in Transfiguration, waggling his feet and therefore, his ridiculous boots in McGonagall's face. That was Sirius's way. He was abrasive. Arrogant. Sometimes cold. But he knew Remus needed those twenty-five sickles more then the other seventh year boys. And James wouldn't have been surprised in the slightest if that had inspired Sirius to make sure McGonagall saw the boots first.

They all watched in anticipation, waiting for Sirius to spot Granger, but he walked away from her and the Marauders and instead made his way toward a group of Slytherin seventh year girls and sat down at their table.

"What is he doing now?" Remus said, shocked. Sirius never talked to the Slytherin girls if he could help it.

"He's talking to Bletchley," Wormy said with awe. Genevieve Bletchley was by far the most intimidating girl in the school. Well, after Evans of course. Bletchley was rich. She was beautiful. She was a pure-blood. She was an evil bitch.

James had known Sirius long enough to know what his mate's body language meant. To know the intentions with which he'd approached one of the girls he detested most. And sure enough, Sirius pulled out a flower from his robes. It was the same kind of rose he'd tried to give Granger, but for Sirius even a recycled wooing attempt was a surprising amount of effort.

"Masterclass," James said.

All was right with the world. Sure, Sirius had "stucked out" or whatever Dewey Hanks had said about bats the other day with the crazy new girl. But the Slytherin girls were all giggling, aside from Daisy Parkinson, who was clearly holding it in, and Bletchley, who was biting her lower lip to try to stop herself from smiling. Then Sirius reached into another pocket and procured a rose for Parkinson.

James's jaw dropped. He couldn't be possibly trying to win them both over at once. _In front of each other. _

"They're going to slap him," Pete predicted, but he was wrong as usual.

Sirius got up after sending a wink to both girls.

"Sami Greengrass looks like she's going to die of jealousy," Remus said, amused.

Sirius finally spotted them and sauntered their way, as the Slytherin girls looked after him and whispered to each other.

Sirius dropped into a chair with a clunk, still not spotting Granger, who he'd put his back to. She hadn't witnessed anything between him and the Slytherin girls, and was still muttering with wild eyes over her parchments.

"So, branching out?" James said. "Mate, when I said move on from Granger I didn't mean-"

Sirius scowled, pushing back his hair out of his face.

"I owe someone a favor," he said. "a big one, obviously, to put myself on the Slytherin succubus radar."

"You're always on the Slytherin succubus radar," Remus said regretfully, "sorry, Pads."

"Who do you owe a favor?" Pete asked, even though it had been clear to Remus and James that Sirius had no intention of telling them who, or what, or why. But Pete's judgment wasn't the best, James reflected.

"Your mum," Sirius said, propping his head in his hand moodily, looking fixedly at nothing in the distance.

Behind his back, Granger had shoved a book violently away from her, glanced up, seen Sirius, scowled like he'd eaten her puppy, and grabbed another book, propping it up in front of her.

Also behind his back, the Slytherin girls were still whispering with vigor and glancing at Sirius. Sami Greengrass was inspecting the pink rose Parkinson had received with a look of badly suppressed envy. Bletchley was effecting a look of great disinterest, if only she hadn't sat in a way that made her breasts jut out like Snivellus's nose. Parkinson was feigning a lack of interest in Sirius even more poorly. her eyes and crossed arms said she was bored, but her teeth were gnawing on her bottom lip like she wanted to eat Sirius alive.

Remus was staring at the ridiculous display by the Slytherin girls as well, his mouth slightly open. "A wink and a flower," he murmured, "that's all it took."

"It's the way of the world," James said, as Sirius obliviously continued to glare at a shelf of books on arachnid feeding how-to guides for pets. "The rest of us make all the effort in the world. A bouquet of rare flowers. Chocolates. Banners lifted aloft mid flight during a Quidditch match. Offers of coffee dates. Earrings."

"A giant fuzzy beetle costume," Remus said, lips twitching.

"That terrible painting you did once," Pete said solemnly, "that made Evans look like she had

a tumor."

"The point," James said, nettled, "is that some of us move heaven and Earth. And what is our thanks? Rejection. Insults. _Hexes_."

"A fuzzy beetle head getting thrown at you," Remus said, lips wiggling wildly.

"A painting shoved on you so hard your head burst through," Pete said, nodding.

"You alone in your bed, wanking, while tears drip slowly down your face," Sirius said, still scowling at the arachnid books.

This was too much, and Pete and Remus burst out laughing.

"Oh, like you two aren't wanking alone," James said sourly.

"All three of your right hands and wrists are very strong," Sirius said soothingly.

Sometimes, James wondered how many birds Sirius had gotten in his bed. They'd never caught him with one in the dorms. In fact, he'd never been caught with one in that state of compromise anywhere. Snogging, yes. But not naked Quidditch broom riding. But there was no way Sirius was a virgin. Right? James squinted at his friend, suddenly suspicious. No. It just wasn't possible.

"So was Granger talking to Snivelly in the dungeons?" James asked casually.

Remus kicked him under the table. Yeah, Granger was right over in the corner yanking on her horrible hair. Yeah, James was winding up Sirius for no good reason. Yeah, this could all lead to disaster. But—okay, there was no good reason for him to bring up Granger.

"Nope," Sirius said, jiggling his foot. The ridiculous boots made a loud tapping sound. "Snivelly tried to attack me with Marvin Mulcibur."

"What?" James yelped, half standing.

A nearby table of extra boring Ravenclaws shushed them, pointing to Pince in the distance. No one wanted a Pince swoop.

"I left them strung up and covered in pus," Sirius said moodily, "don't worry. Like I can't take Snivelly. Frankly I enjoyed breaking the monotony a bit. I just wish I knew what Granger was up to."

"She's over there reading books," Pete said helpfully.

Sirius spun around fast, following Pete's finger. "Has she been there the whole time?" he asked urgently.

"Yeah," Pete said.

"She saw me give those flowers to the Slytherins?" Sirius demanded.

"No," Remus said, his eyebrows raised, "she's been battling her books for awhile."

"_My_ books, you mean," Sirius muttered. "Or Reg's, I guess. Whatever."

"If you're trying to juggle three birds at once, I recommend looking away from Granger," James said, the succubi are noticing."

"Whatever," Sirius snorted, but he turned back around with reluctance, "but might_ I _recommend not adding 'learning how to ice skate' onto your list of how to woo Evans?"

"Why not?" James said defensively,

"If you want to fall on your arse on ice mid manly twirl, that's up to you," Sirius said, "but I think Evans-"

"Oh, is that what ice skating is?" James said, "I thought it involved racing your broom-"

Across the library, Granger caused a slight commotion when she was flipped unceremoniously upside down, dangling by the ankle. She had previously discarded her robes onto a chair next to her and had refused to loosen her grip on two of the books she'd been holding, so the whole room was getting quite the show.

The table of Slytherin girls screeched with laughter.

Sirius whipped around, James standing, scanning the room for the culprit. Sure, he might've cast this particular spell a few times himself a few years before, but he'd grown from then. Matured. Or at least, he knew better then to cast it on a girl in a little pleated skirt.

Bletchley actually had tears streaming down her face she was laughing so hard. The table of Ravenclaws were chuckling as well, but their smiles died when they saw Sirius leap up, running over to Granger with his wand out.

Sirius silently flicked his wand upward, casting the counter curse of _Liberacorpus_ and Granger fell over, still clutching the books, her knickers remaining visible when she sprawled on the floor in an ungainly mess.

James rushed around the nearest bookshelf, sure the culprit was hiding behind it. No one else had had their wands out.

"Reveal yourself!" he bellowed.

It had been funny, a few years ago when he'd done it to Snivellus and they'd all seen his pants. He was _sure _it had been funny. But he'd spotted how red Granger's face had been. He'd seen how her eyes were bright like tears had been in them. He'd seen the fits of laughter of the other people in the library. And he'd seen how Granger, who'd been kind of surly and maybe had some questionable books on her, hadn't really done anything to deserve it.

There was no one behind the bookshelf but a pair of fifth year Ravenclaw prefects who'd observed what had happened and run after James to join the search.

"Keep looking," James said, "let me know if you see anyone."

He could hear Pince shouting.

He made it back in time to see Granger yanking down her skirt to cover her knickers, the books still clutched to her chest in her left arm. He moved to check on the Slytherin girls. He hadn't seen a wand openly out, but they were laughing hard enough to raise his suspicions. Pince was trying to restore order but there were so many students emerging from all corners of the library to see what had happened that no one was listening.

"Nice knickers, Granger," Daisy Parkinson said between giggles.

"Yeah, you looked great in them," Sirius said loudly, holding out a hand to help Granger up. In case it hadn't been clear to the gathering masses that he meant this and was not being snide, he added, "nice arse. Great pair of legs. Good for you. Most brainy types don't have an arse that good."

All the girls who'd been meanly laughing at Granger's predicament of flashing her lacy purple panties at the most popular boy in the school fell quiet, as if they'd been hit with _Silencio_.

James, by habit, never noticed other girls much. His head and heart and body were far too obsessed with Lily Evans. But even he had noticed that the girl's knickers were different then most girls knickers he'd seen in shops. They showed a lot more flesh, for one. And to his shame, he had noticed that her arse was nice.

Granger looked at Sirius's hand like it was covered in poisonous toadstools, her face twitching with anger. But she glanced briefly at the table of Slytherin girls and accepted Sirius's hand up, pulling compulsively on her skirt again.

"Many years of ballet," she said with great dignity, "as a child."

James hadn't the slightest idea what ballet was, but Sirius grinned. Daisy Parkinson stood, the pink rose in her hand, her face indignant as Sirius solicitously helped Granger put her books away and she let him. She stalked over to the pair of them while James made his way over to the rest of the girls.

"Show me your wands, ladies," James said sternly.

"It wasn't us," Sami Greengrass said immediately. The twin disappointments of Sirius handing out roses to her mates but not her and him being a white knight to Granger was hitting her hard. James felt a little sorry for her. She looked like she was going to cry.

"It came from over there," Gidget Warrington said, pointing to the stacks where James had already searched.

Pince had managed to kick out almost everyone else and was closing in on them, so the Slytherins hastily stood.

"Give your mate this," Genevieve said, flinging the yellow rose at James. "He can give it to his Mudblood whore."

"What kind of girl wears knickers like that," Gidget agreed.

"Ten points from Slytherin," James said tersely, touching his head boy badge to remind himself that he could, and should, do this. "For bigoted language."

He left the flower and stormed back in Sirius's direction, Remus and Pete frantically gathering their stuff so as to escape the wrath of Pince. He was just in time to watch Daisy Parkinson lob her rose at Sirius' head.

"Run," Remus said in his ear, "before we get detention for a month."

Pince was thundering their way.

"Sirius," James said loudly, grabbing his bag out of Remus's hands, "gotta go, mate!"

As they dashed madly out of the library, half the Slytherin girls getting caught in the Pince tornado, he ran into the fifth year Ravenclaw prefects.

"We didn't find anyone, Potter," Reginald Kinkard said regretfully.

"Book it," James bellowed, grabbing the little twerp by his tie. Pince rounded the corner.

"She's gotten Sirius," Pete squealed.

"We don't know that," Remus said, teeth chattering.

"Run!" James said, letting go of Kinkard's tie.

They had to save themselves. Kinkard stumbled and fell in their wake. He heard Pince pounce. Well. It had been a necessary sacrifice.

His infamous charm had gotten Sirius and Granger, and only the two of them, out of detention with Pince. Gidget Warrington and Bletchley were incandescent with rage as Sirius convinced Pince that Granger had been a terrible victim of a crime, he her savior, and she'd let them out of the library, the Ravenclaw prefects cowering like whipped dogs as Pince's screams echoed behind them.

* * *

Sirius expected Granger to flounce away from him. Instead she matched his steps.

"Thanks," she said stiffly.

"No problem," Sirius said casually, one hand in his pocket. His other hand was absurdly holding the pink rose Parkinson had flung at him.

Granger made an abrupt left turn toward a stairwell and he turned to join her.

"Not going back to the common room?" Sirius said, twirling the flower, his boots clomping on the old wooden stairs.

"No," Granger said shortly. She heaved her bag up again.

"You know, I really can carry that for you," Sirius aid, "since you've got a whole bookshelf's worth of books in there."

"No thanks," Granger said, her voice striving for polite still, "I've got it. Plus, don't you still think I'm an evil pure-blood spy?"

"Maybe," Sirius said, "I'm quite positive you aren't a foreign spy though. So there's that to cheer you up."

"I feel giddy," Granger said sourly, "did the Mudblood scar really not convince you?"

"It would convince most," Sirius agreed, "but I'm not most men."

"You're alarmingly stubborn," Granger said, "I never realized that."

"You don't actually talk to me," Sirius pointed out, "or know me. So how would you know if I'm stubborn or not?"

"I just made you even more suspicious of me, huh?" Granger said.

"Ten points to Granger," Sirius said.

"What a shame," she said dryly. "I did so want us to be best friends." She made another unusual turn.

"Where are we off to?" Sirius asked, watching her frizzy curls bounce with every step. It was kind of mesmerizing.

"_I_ am off to the lake," Granger said, "for some exercise. I don't know where you are going."

"Is that where you've been going at night?" Sirius asked curiously.

"Yes," Granger said, but he wasn't sure he believed her.

"It's almost curfew," Sirius pointed out, "also, you're carrying a bag that's got to weigh thirty pounds."

"No one said you had to come," Granger said, walking faster. The girl was swift for a bookworm, he'd give her that. Also in possession of a nice body. That had been an interesting discovery.

"Well I fancy a walk," Sirius said, "want a rose?"

Granger glanced back at him.

"Do I even want to know why that Slytherin girl threw a rose at you?" she asked wearily.

"My brother wants me to snog her in public so our hag mother doesn't make him marry her," Sirius said, "I was trying to woo her. But I guess me not finding it hilarious you were being dangled mid air insulted her."

They'd reached the castle doors, and Sirius ran ahead to solicitously hold it open for Granger.

"Thanks," she grunted, years of manners clearly kicking in against her will.

Sirius reached forward and stuck the rose in her tangled mess of hair. It actually looked kind of nice. Like a rose in a thorn bush. He had no idea why he'd told her about Reg. He hadn't planned on telling anyone.

Granger's hand moved to pull out the rose and then she stopped herself with an irritated sigh.

"That's going to take me ten minutes to get out," she said, "and those rude girls in my dorm are going to know it's from you. Thanks bunches."

"Just sneak in without them seeing you as usual," Sirius said, both hands in his pockets now.

"Can I ask why you snogging some Slytherin girl will stop your...brother, you said, from having to marry her?"

"Well, as you can see, Daisy Parkinson's a bitch," Sirius said, "so he's not a fan of making her the next Mrs. Black. But my hag mother thinks she's a good catch. Not so much if I taint her in public, you see."

"My sympathies," Granger said dryly.

"I appreciate it," Sirius sighed, "I've got to snog Bletchley for him too. That should be easier. She tried to snog me years ago."

Granger's eyebrows raised. "You're quite popular," she said, heaving her bag again. The rose bobbled.

"My beauty is a curse," Sirius said solemnly.

Granger snorted. "I wouldn't know," she said.

Sirius looked at her closely. The half moon shone on them. She didn't seem upset that she wasn't beautiful. She'd said it like she was listing a potions ingredient.

"You're not bad," he said, "I mean, the hair..."

"Yeah you like my arse," Granger said tartly, "I heard you before, you pig."

"Sorry, was I not supposed to notice?" Sirius said, "when you're barely wearing knickers. You could've dropped the books you know. Grabbed your skirt instead."

"I didn't want them to get damaged," Granger said, "that's more important then my pride."

"Or maybe you wanted those girls who've been saying rude things about you to see you look good," Sirius said, "rub it in their face a bit."

Granger stopped short. The bag almost whacked him with its momentum.

"Yes," she said, "you caught me. I cast it on myself to flash my knickers at some mean girls. If only I could've figured out a way to flash my tits while I was at it."

Sirius grinned.

"Well figure it out for next time, yeah? I'd like a look. They don't look half bad."

He was looking up at the night sky from the grass, lying on his back. She'd shoved him over. The flower fell on his face for the second time today. A hunk of her hair was still attached to it.

"Good talk," Sirius yelled at Granger's back while she hustled back to the castle. She flipped two fingers at him over her shoulder. He admired her arse some more in her skirt. Who could blame him?

* * *

**A/N:** Many pardons for the delay! Got a new job. Feedback of all kinds is always welcome!


	6. Severus Salty

**Chapter Six: Severus Salty**

Lily had racked her brain for a single topic of conversation that wouldn't end with her trying to throttle James Potter. Damn Dumbledore for forcing them to patrol together once a week as a 'bonding exercise.' She wouldn't have suspected any other ulterior motives from her Headmaster if he hadn't been twinkling in the eyes at the time he'd said it.

They passed the silent form of the Grey Lady on the second corridor. So far, they'd discussed Sluggy's last lesson, where he'd waxed rhapsodic on his friendship with Barnelby Dingwotter, the most famous Curse Breaker in Britain, instead of actually teaching them. Potter had tried to bring up Quidditch, but as he couldn't discuss it without being unbearable Lily had only been able to stand a single minute of it. Then they'd passed Marvin Mulcibur, one of Sev's only friends, who had looked between the two of them with a sneer that promised that Sev was going to hear about them wandering the corridors together entirely out of context.

Lily tried not to visualize Sev breaking things while he worried about her snogging Potter. Lily had fallen into a solemn gloom for awhile after this which Potter surprisingly honored by keeping his trap shut. After a while, the silence became painful. Lily didn't want to keep thinking about Sev.

"So what's going on with Black and Granger?" she blurted in desperation.

She didn't particularly care but her roommates wouldn't shut up about them.

"Why?" Potter asked, squinting at her behind his glasses before they widened until he was doing an impression of an especially startled owl. "Don't tell me you've become one of his groupies, Evans!"

"Yuck," Lily said, "make me gag, Potter!"

"Oh thank Merlin," Potter said, "I couldn't have a thing for a girl taken in by Sirius's rubbish."

Lily rolled her eyes. Did the boy's ego know no bounds?

"Sirius is convinced she's up to no good," Potter sighed to her like he was confiding a big secret. Maybe he was. "Don't go spreading that around though. I'm not sure he's right and I wouldn't want her to get bullied. More, I mean."

"She's not helping her case," Lily said, "she disappears all the time. She's rude and surly to the people who try to be nice to her."

"She attempted to befriend Snivellus," Potter nodded.

"Don't start," Lily said. They hadn't begun fighting yet, but that could change easily.

"Sorry," Potter said. They walked in silence for a bit. "But really, Evans, why were you friends with-"

"I said drop it," Lily snarled.

"Dropped," Potter said, hands raised.

The next ten minutes passed in boring, excruciating silence. They hadn't even caught a single set of students snogging.

Lily looked at her watch. Still another hour to go. She was going to go crazy at this rate.

"I heard she was getting bullied in the library," she said as Potter peered behind a tapestry, "the new girl I mean."

"Yup," Potter said, "she was just reading some books. I didn't catch who did it. Shame."

"I heard that Black came to her rescue," Lily ventured.

Amelia hadn't been able to suppress her crush on Black well when they'd discussed it in the common room. Apparently, he'd not only removed the curse on Granger, but had stood up for her to the Slytherin snobs who were laughing at her.

"It was not on," Potter said, scowling, "someone had hoisted her up by the ankle. Her knickers were showing. They were...er...strange knickers. Showed a lot."

"Wow, imagine getting your knickers flashed at everyone while people make fun of you for a laugh," Lily said with heavy sarcasm.

"You're the one who told me to drop Snivellus," Potter said, "and for the record, I'm not proud of that."

"Oh no?" Lily asked, "you seemed proud at the time."

"I was fifteen," Potter said, "and you heard what his friends had done to Mary Macdonald a few weeks before?"

"Yeah," Lily said. They looked behind a statue, a favorite of snogging couples. It was empty too. "I told him off about that," she said, "about Mary."

"Did you?" Potter asked, "Good for you."

"I'm not proud I told him to get new pants," Lily said heavily. It had been weighing on her for years. "In front of everyone. And then I called him Snivellus and everything."

"He'd called you a—a – you know," Potter said, indignant, "he got off easy. You could've said he was a scrawny greasy spider, for instance. And he never apologized, did he?"

"He did," Lily admitted. She didn't know why she was telling Potter this, of all people. She' d only told her close girl friends. "He was really sorry, actually. He begged me to forgive him."

"So why didn't you?" Potter said after a moment.

Lily knew he was watching her face as they walked up the stairwell to the sixth floor but she couldn't bring herself to make eye contact.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said finally.

"Okay," Potter said easily, "maybe another time."

"Maybe," Lily said quietly.

"Look, Evans, you shouldn't feel guilty about-"

"So everyone is dying to know what happened after Black helped Granger," Lily cut in, "he somehow got them out of detention with Pince, which is supposed to be impossible, and then they disappeared for an hour. Granger showed up to the dorm with her hair all a mess, refusing to answering questions. Everyone's convinced they were snogging."  
Potter snorted. "I thought you were above this sort of gossip," he said, "is it for Warner? I know she's got a crush on Sirius."

"No she doesn't," Lily lied. Amelia was going to kill her.

"It's not a big deal," Potter said, "her and half the girls in this school."

"At least half," Lily sighed, "I'm afraid I don't quite understand it. I know he's your mate and all..."

"He barely has to try," Potter said, "It's a wonder to behold. But no, they weren't snogging. Sirius would've been really smug when he got back to the dorms if they had."

"Nice of him to look out for her," Lily said, "out of character, though."

"He's more complicated then you give him credit for," Potter said, "he's not just some cocky bad boy, you know."

"I suppose," Lily said, "but I haven't seen much evidence to the contrary."

"Well keep your eyes peeled," Potter said, "and you'll find it. While you're at it, can you keep an eye on Granger as well?"

"Why?" Lily asked.

"New girl, shows up our seventh year and acts shifty and weird? Disappears all the time. Reads dark magic books."

"She's reading what?" Lily asked, astonished.

"Yeah, Sirius saw she's got a ton. Just keep an eye out, okay? Let me know if you notice anything odd."

"Okay," Lily said cautiously.

James Potter had endless flaws. But he did hate the Dark Arts, and all of those who practiced them. And so did Lily.

* * *

"The books are in the library," Reg said without preamble.

He'd taken a turn waiting outside Muggle Studies for Sirius. How that must've hurt his brother, being within twenty feet of a den of sin like a classroom that taught how Muggles weren't so dumb and different then wizards. It was also Sirius's one class free of his three best mates, Granger, or the Slytherin harpies, most likely prompting such a sacrifice from Reg.

"I'd say so," Sirius said casually as Geraldine Gudgeon stared moistly at him. She'd been taking the same subjects as Sirius since third year. It was a little impressive she'd managed O.W.L.S. in everything required. It was mostly disturbing. "She's in there all the time."

Reg glared at Geraldine, but of course that wasn't enough to make her walk away. If it were that easy, James would employ it all the time.

"In _our _library, you tit," Reg said through his teeth, "though I'm sure you know what I meant and were being difficult as usual."

"_Your _library, you mean," Sirius said, drawing out a cigarette. Maybe that would disgust Geraldine.

"Yours too if you weren't such a stubborn prat," Reg snarled, "do you mind?" he directed at Geraldine. "He's never going to bother with you, you know."

"You're just jealous," Geraldine said loudly, "you wish you were as wonderful as Sirius."

"You got me," Reg drawled, "I lie in bed, thinking of ways that I too can get disowned."

"Geraldine," Sirius said around the unlit cigarette, "can you please go away? I need to have a private conversation with my brother."

"Of course Sirius," she said a touch breathlessly. It wasn't often Sirius actually acknowledged her presence, "anything for you."

Sirius made eye contact with Reg, saw the exact moment his brother made the decision to make a crude sexual comment, and grabbed his arm, dragging him off.  
"You don't need detention," Sirius said, "no one wants to hear a howler from the harpy."

"Anything for you, Sirius," Reg mimicked in a horrible, high pitched voice, batting his eyes, "take my dignity, Sirius! Take my virginity! I'll do anything for you, including kneeling in the hall and opening my mouth-"

"Oi," Sirius said, "watch _your _mouth. Maybe she'll give up one day and decide you look a lot like me after all. Then you won't be complaining."

Reg scowled. "I don't need your leftovers. Speaking of. It's been two weeks and you haven't snogged Bletchley or Parkinson."

Sirius sighed.

"I know. It was going well, but then they decided to act like the harpies that they are. What was I supposed to do?'

"They've always been awful," Reg snapped, "hence me wanting you to get them off mother's list. Besides, why were you concerned for Granger's honor anyway? I thought you've decided she's stealing our family tomes on black magick. Which she isn't. Mother confirmed they're all there."

"You sure?" Sirius frowned, lighting his cigarette and ignoring Reg's curled lip at it. "They aren't perhaps blank copies?"

"I know you hate mother but I told her I suspected an unworthy soul had stolen the books. Of course she checked thoroughly."

"I know I saw the Black family crest on some of them," Sirius insisted.

"You didn't," Reg said bluntly, "and you need to hold up your end of the deal. Just be mean to Granger in public once. They'll forgive you I'm sure."

Sirius scowled. It would be that easy. If only he could bring himself to do it.

"Heard she's been ignoring you again," Reg said, "after you stuck up for her in front of everyone. That must make you angry."

"I know it's hard for you to understand with the way we grew up and the house you're in," Sirius said snidely, "but sometimes, you do something nice with no ulterior motive, just because it's the right thing to do."

"And when's the last time you did something like that?" Reg retorted. "We both know you were nice to her for a reason."

"Yeah," Sirius said, "I'd like to get up her skirt. It's been a while for me."

Reg made a face like he'd swallowed bubotuber pus.

"You're repulsive," he said, "Imagine the diseases you'd get from a Mudblood."

"Stop saying that word," Sirius said, blowing out a puff of smoke, "I'm sick of hearing it come out of your mouth."

"Why?" Reg taunted, "you've said it. Your little noble friend Potter might not know that, but I do."

"I didn't know better," Sirius said through clenched teeth, "I was a kid raised by bigots. Now I do. So I've stopped. You could take a page out of my book on that, you know."

"Pass," Reg sneered, and Sirius's hands twitched.

There really was no hope for his brother. Every time he thought there was, Reg doubled down on being an insufferable little clone of their father.

"Then get out of my face you twerp," Sirius said, "and maybe I'll hold up my end of the deal."

"You'll hold up your end of the deal," Reg said, face red with anger, and Sirius felt a perverse joy in his brother's rage, "or_ I'll _try to get up Granger's skirt. See how you like it. She's a Mudblood. I'm the Black family heir. Should be easy."

Sirius didn't even fully know he'd done it until he felt his fist collide with Reg's face with a satisfying crunch.

* * *

Sirius was covered in blood and holding ice to his cheek, but that wasn't half as entertaining as Genevieve Bletchley screaming at an also bloody Regulus Black in the middle of dinner.

"Your doing, I imagine?" James said as Sirius spooned roasted potatoes and peas onto his plate with one hand.

"But of course," Sirius said, wincing as he spoke, "where's Evans? Think she'd be willing to do a healing charm for me? She's still the best in the year, right?"

"Can't you just go to Pomfrey?" Remus asked, looking between Sirius's bloody white shirt and chin and Regulus Black getting pummeled by a book at the Slytherin table before Daisy Parkinson dumped a bowl of mashed potatoes over his head.

"No," Sirius grunted, wincing again, "not after last time."

There was only so many instances Pomfrey was willing to patch up their mysterious wounds they mostly received during the full moon. Which was in two days.

"Maybe Flitwick will help,"Pete said.

"Last time I asked him he told me to learn them myself," James said, "as he'd taught us the week before in class."

There was a loud screech as Regulus got doused in pumpkin juice.

"Pads," James said slowly, "why were you brawling with Regulus again?"

Sirius gingerly chewed a potato.

"Funny story," he said "I asked him to find out if Granger had stolen those books from the Black family library. In return he asked me to snog Bletchley and Parkinson to get them off my mother's list of acceptable pure-blood wives for the Black family heir."

"That went a little awry in the library," Remus said.

"Yep," Sirius said, "so good old Reg is demanding payment. Apparently the books aren't missing."

"That's good," Pete ventured.

"No it's not," Sirius snapped, and then he winced again, pressing the ice against his face, "because I _know_ I saw those books in her bag. With the Black family crest stamped on them."

"Maybe she charmed on the crest," Remus said, exchanging looks with James.

"Why?" Sirius demanded, "why would anyone charm on a family crest that doesn't belong there to a book on dark magic?"

In the background, McGonagall was shouting at Bletchley and Parkinson, shaking her finger in their faces and screaming about detention for a week. Regulus was picking mashed potatoes out of his hair. James had always disliked Regulus more then he should. Maybe Regulus was a victim of a terrible childhood, as Remus said. But Sirius had been too. And he hadn't turned into a little arsewipe who embraced the Dark Arts.

"I don't know, but does it make more sense that she has books that your brother says are in the family library?" Remus said.

"No," Sirius admitted grudgingly.

"Did you even get a good look at the books, Pads?" James said reasonably. "Maybe you saw a different crest."

"Maybe," Sirius said, even more grudgingly, "or maybe Reg or the hag are lying for some reason."

"And that reason would be…?" Remus asked.

"I haven't figured that out yet," Sirius said.

"You still haven't explained your face," James said as Regulus glared at Sirius's back.

"Reg decided to insult Muggle-borns," Sirius said stiffly, "and Granger in particular. so I socked him one. Then I thought well, I do still owe him for the books. So I ran into Bletchley and Parkinson. Told them Reg had beaten me up for suggesting they'd be good candidates for the lady of the Black family. They didn't take it well."

"And they believed you?" James demanded. He knew Sirius could convince girls of almost everything. But this was a bridge too far.

"People believe what they want to," Sirius said, attempting to chew a piece of roasted chicken, "and you think a bunch of stuck up Slytherin princesses don't want to believe that they caused a brawl between the Black brothers over their honor? Come on."

"It is far fetched," Remus said, his brow furrowed, "I mean, why would you even care who Reg married?"

"I don't," Sirius said, but James knew he was lying.

Why his friend persisted in worrying about his troll of a brother when he had three brothers who loved him sitting right here…

"But like I said," Sirius continued after a moment where he tried to adjust his jaw and cringed with pain, "I know how pure-blood girls like them grew up. The center of their little kingdoms. Thinking they are some precious jewel every man is dying to get. In their minds, it makes sense that I care."

"And that made them think Regulus punched you?" Pete added, "wow, you're so smart for that one, Sirius!"

"Thanks," Sirius said with great dignity, "it's about time one of you recognized my genius. So now I've held up my end of the deal for Reg. Mother won't want him marrying some vulgar girls who behave like this in public."

McGonagall was now dragging the girls out of the hall, presumably to see Slughorn.

"And you don't have to swap spit with them," James said with grudging admiration, "well played, I suppose."

"You suppose?" Sirius snorted, "it was bloody brilliant."

"And so modest," Remus murmured.

James saw Granger sit down further along the Gryffindor bench alone. She immediately took out a book and started reading.

"Oi!" James yelled, making a decision, "Granger!"

Granger looked their way, saw Sirius's bloody face, and then stuck her nose back in her book.

"How are you at healing charms?" James yelled, undeterred.

"Er, James," Remus said, "are you sure that's the best source?"

"She'll probably mess it up on purpose," Pete agreed, nodding sagely, "she hates him."

"We had a very nice walk around the lake," Sirius said, looking sideways at Granger, then back at his chicken, "I'll have you lot know."

"That ended with her shoving you to the ground," Remus said.

James stood up.

"She's going to shove you over too," Pete said helpfully, "if she's immune to Sirius, she's _definitely_ immune to you."

"Probably," James said cheerfully. He walked over to the unpleasant new girl, sitting down.

"I know you heard me, Granger," he said, "and I saw you in Charms earlier. You're a whiz. Do us a favor and fix Sirius' face, yeah?"

"That needs more than a charm," Granger said mutinously to her book.

"Oh, now don't lie," James said, "he's got a nice face. Now, the things that come out of his mouth..."

"Just go to Pom—the hospital wing," Granger said shortly, "ask an expert."

"Pomfrey, you mean?" James said, keeping his face carefully neutral. He knew she'd been about to say Pomfrey, then stopped herself. Why?

"Yeah, I couldn't remember her name," Granger said, turning a page, "I went to her for period cramps last week. She gave me a potion."

James hastily turned a yelp into a cough.

Granger looked up at him. The disapproving frown that told James she knew exactly what he was all about was so reminiscent of Evans that he recoiled.

"I'm glad she helped you," James said lamely, still coughing.

"It's perfectly natural," Granger said, and James got the distinct impression that she was deliberately provoking him.

He could practically feel Sirius's eyes boring into his back, wondering what in the hell James was up to. "Every girl has it, you know. Every month. The uterine lining sheds and-"

James whimpered, then turned it into a cough again. She was trying to scare him away. It might've worked, except James Potter had spent a solid six years getting humiliated by Lily Evans in public. He was stronger then this girl knew.

"Are we going to talk about nocturnal emissions next?" James said, "If so, I've got some great stories to share."

Granger twitched, but otherwise stayed strong. James was reluctantly impressed.

"Touche," she said, "what do you want, Jam – Potter? Since you're not going away?"

"Feel free to call me James," James said magnanimously, "I don't mind."

"Noted," Granger said dryly, "but I'm still not helping your mate."

"Even when I tell you he got in a fistfight with his brother because he called you a—well, an awful name for a Muggle-born?"

Granger looked up from her book again, glanced at Sirius over Jame's shoulder then back at him.

"Liar," she said, "I heard those Slytherin girls screaming at his brother that he'd insulted them and that Black had stood up for their honor."

She had paused oddly before saying Black. James added this to the box full of odd behavior he'd been mentally keeping about Granger, right with calling him James, lying about Pomfrey's name, being immune to Sirius's charm, disappearing, and possessing dark magick books.

"Well he told them that so he wouldn't have to snog them," James said nonsensically, but the girls' expression changed like she believed him.

"Ah," she said, "well. Fine. But don't expect me to eat dinner with you all," she placed her book down carefully, and then withdrew her wand, standing up.

James masked his leap of triumph. He was the brother Sirius had. Not Regulus. He was the one who got his mate his heart's desires. He was the one who got him recognized for his good deeds. Not the little shit stain that shared a set of odious parents with him.

Granger marched over to Sirius, who was gawping at her unattractively.

"Episkey," Granger said briskly, and there was a crunch and Sirius yelped as something moved in his jaw. She turned to leave.

"I'm still covered in blood," Sirius said, speaking normally again. He grinned winningly. "You can lovingly wipe it off, yeah?"

Remus groaned, dropping his head to the table.

Granger turned back to them slowly. She picked up a nearby pitcher of pumpkin juice and dumped it on Sirius's head.

"There you go," she said sweetly, "use a napkin to wipe it off. The pumpkin juice should've made the blood nice and pliable to removal."

Across the hall, Regulus Black was wiping off his own pitcher of pumpkin juice with a napkin.

McGonagall was there in a moment.

"Detention, Miss Granger!" she boomed, "for assaulting a student."

Sirius pushed his hair out of his eyes, dripping everywhere.

"And you, Mr. Black," McGonagall said, "stop getting into brawls with your brother. Detention for you as well. My office. Tomorrow. 8pm. Both of you."

For one wild second, James thought Granger was going to hex McGonagall in retaliation as their professor walked away. But then the moment passed, and Granger stormed back to her plate and book.

Sirius, by contrast, was grinning as he squeezed his now orange shirt.

"Somehow I don't think this was the punishment for you McGonagall envisioned," Remus said dryly, "pass the potatoes, would you Pete?"

* * *

Lily hadn't been able to stop thinking about the incident with Sev from fifth year since she'd patrolled with Potter. She thought she'd mostly pushed it out of her mind at this point, but it had been almost a week since Potter had brought it up and she kept thinking about it at random times. Why hadn't she accepted Sev's apology? She knew she'd been right at the time. Sev's actions since had proved it. But was she still right? Was Sev still irredeemable? Her head knew he was. He still was friends with Mulcibur and the others, after all. But her heart was torn.

She stood on the revolving staircase to Dumbledore's office as it bore her down. The Headmaster had wanted her report to be given with Potter, but Lily had come up early. She couldn't bring herself to be around him right now when she was so confused.

Lily stepped out of the gargoyle's shadow, absent minded as she made her way downstairs, only knowing that she didn't want to go back to the Gryffindor common room just yet. Sarah and Helena would ask what was wrong. And they wouldn't understand, even if Lily wanted to tell them. Which she didn't. They had never understood about Sev.

Before she knew where she'd wandered, Lily was in the library. It was half deserted, mostly occupied by older students. This early in the term, most of the younger years weren't swamped in homework like the rest of them.

She wandered by Granger, who was mumbling into a pile of books like she generally was every night. She'd fixed Sirius's Black's injured face and then proceeded to dump pumpkin juice on him earlier that night at dinner. The girl was unfathomable. But Lily couldn't bring herself to care at the moment. Her feet dragged her deeper and deeper into the silent stacks, to the obscure potion book section. Lily pulled a book off the shelf. How many times had she and Sev used this very volume to do their potion research with? How many hours had they spent writing their book of potions tips together? Lily didn't even know what had happened to the book. Sev had had it for editing last when the incident had happened. He'd tried to give it back with yet another apology. Lily had ignored him. Sarah had told him to fuck off and leave Lily alone. Sev had left her alone.

It was like the book had summoned him.

"Are you almost finished with—oh."

The pit that had been in Lily's stomach for weeks leapt to her throat. She turned.

"Hi Sev," she said quietly.

She didn't know what to expect. It's not like Sev had ever smiled much anyway. But the scowl he leveled at her hurt.

"Evans," he said shortly, pushing back a lock of his oily hair. That hurt worse. Sev had never called her Evans. But then again, she'd thought he would never called her Mudblood either, and she'd been wrong about that.

"I'm done with it," Lily said stupidly, holding out the book because she could think of nothing else to say.

Sev took the book gingerly, frowning down at it.

He'd gotten taller. Not as tall as Black or Potter, of course. He'd filled out a little, even though he was still very thin. He was, as always, extremely pale. And the hair! Why Sev wouldn't wash his hair more regularly was an eternal mystery.

"You still working on our book?" Lily asked tentatively. She'd have walked away by now like usual if James Potter hadn't made her feel guilty. She knew Potter hadn't been _trying_ to make her feel guilty. Potter hated Sev. He certainly wouldn't want them to reconcile.

"I threw it out," Sev said coldly, finally looking up at her, "ages ago."

"Oh," Lily said foolishly, her heart racing. Sev's eyes were dark. They'd always been hard to read. But now, it felt impossible.

"Congratulations," Sev said, "on making Head Girl."

"Thanks," Lily said, hugging her bag to her, "it was a surprise."

"Was it?" Sev said, "not really."

Everything felt so wrong. They'd been able to talk so easily before. Now he was like a stranger.

"Good job on your warming potion today," Lily said. She should walk away. But she couldn't seem to.

"It _was_ a surprise that Potter got Head Boy," Sev said, like she hadn't spoken, "but I guess you're happy, aren't you?"

"About what?" Lily said, confused.

"About Potter being Head with you," Sev said, "lucky you. Heard you've been having cozy patrols with him. Mr. And Mrs. Perfect Gryffindor, together at last."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Lily hissed, "Dumbledore makes us patrol together, you nitwit."

"Oh yeah?" Sev hissed back, "you seem so sad about it. Really devastated Lil—Evans."

"I was, actually," Lily said back angrily, "you know I can't stand him. What's wrong with you?"

"You _were _devastated?" Sev said, pointing out her usage of the past tense.

"I was, and I am," Lily said firmly.

Something softened in Sev's face.

"You still friends with Mulcibur?" Lily asked, rankled. "You still practicing fun spells for a laugh with him?"

And just like that the softness was gone.

"Stop being so uptight," Sev sneered, stepping closer to Lily, "little teacher's pet that you are, I thought you'd grow up by now, and see that-" he sucked in a breath and leapt back when someone came around the corner.

It was Granger. She was muttering to herself again. She saw Lily and Sev standing alone in an isolated corner of the library. Close together. Her eyes widened.

"Oh," Granger said looking between them. Sev moved back another step, "I didn't mean to interrupt," she said cautiously, "sorry."

"You weren't interrupting anything," Sev sneered.

Granger was still looking between them with the strangest expression. Lily felt like throwing up. Judging by Sev's colored cheeks and shuffling feet he was panicking as well.

"I just need a book," Granger said, still looking at Sev, then Lily, then Sev.

"We are in a library," Sev said sarcastically.

"Um, well…." Granger looked deeply embarrassed, like she'd caught them snogging topless.

For some reason, James Potter flashed through Lily's mind. The last thing she wanted was his interrogation during the next patrol on what she was doing with Sev.

"Snape was just leaving," Lily said, "you can come get your book."

Sev looked at her and for a second, she could've sworn she saw a flash of hurt but it was gone.

"Yes, I was," Sev said, "the smell of Mudbloods is overpowering here."

Lily gasped, grabbing at her stomach like she'd been punched. And she'd been thinking of forgiving him!

"Hey now," Granger said, looking distressed, "don't say that about Lil – Evans, okay? She's your friend."

She was so upset that it wasn't until hours later, when she'd cried her eyes out in the shower that Lily had realized Hermione Granger couldn't possibly know that Sev had once been her friend. It wasn't like anyone talked to her.

"She's not my friend," Sev said with disgust, "and I was talking about you too, you dumb bitch."

"Ten points from Slytherin," Lily said, her throat constricted, swiping harshly at her eyes, "for rude language."

"Now hold on," Granger said, looking genuinely troubled, "I didn't mean to-"

"Fine, you uppity brat," Sev said to Lily, and she forced herself to straighten her spine, "use your badge to win a fight. Go run off to Potter. See if I care."

"Go wash your hair," Lily said, the only thing she could think of as her emotions churned, "then maybe a girl will talk to you. Unlikely, but it's better then the negative twenty percent chance you had before."

"There's no need for you two to talk to each other like this," Granger said desperately, like they were her parents fighting, "just calm down and-"

"Fuck off," Sev hurled at her, "go suck Black's cock like you want to."

"Another twenty points form Slytherin," Lily said loudly.

Sev glared at her like she was his worst enemy before he walked away. Lily breathed heavily, disgusted with herself that she'd even tried to reason with Sev. She knew better. She took a few moments to calm herself, then turned to Granger to comfort her over Sev's crude comment. To her surprise and alarm, Granger had tears in her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I didn't mean to make things worse."

"You didn't do anything wrong," Lily said, her cheeks still burning with rage and disappointment and embarrassment and hurt all at once, "please don't cry. He's not worth it. He's never been worth it," but that seemed to be the wrong thing to say, and Granger's face contorted in pain.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you again for all of your support! I promise things will be revealed in time, but I like a slow burn. ;)


	7. Detention with the Slytherins

**Author's Note: **_I feel like I should explain myself to my new readers...in all my works I combine humor, fucked up situations, bad language, angst, slow burn romances, maddening behavior by your faves, flawed characters, and rated R situations. That will continue, sorry! Hopefully that is your cup of tea as well. :)_

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Detention with the Slytherins**

Sirius knew that most people considered life to have awkward moments that occasionally had to be suffered through. He hadn't quite understood. Sure, he was currently in the middle of a detention conducted by Minerva McGonagall that involved manual labor, his terrible brother, the two awful girls he'd falsely claimed his brother insulted, and the girl who he was half convinced was an evil spy but still kind of wouldn't mind snogging to pass the time once in a while. But this wasn't _awkward_. This was an _opportunity._

Take, for instance, the Granger girl. From his vantage point of floor scrubbing while she polished the desks, he had a clear and delicious view of her arse in her uniform skirt as she bent over to really put her back into her work.

Reg's surly demeanor as he scrubbed the chalkboards was only making him look less and less like good husband material to the harpies, further fulfilling Sirius's promise. He did so hate to break a promise. Reg's purple bruise next to his nose was also a fond reminder of the joy he'd felt breaking his nose.

The harpies—well, it was harder to find an upside for them being here, but seeing them tantrum as they tried everything possible to get out of cleaning McGonagall's desk, chair, and bookshelf was a delightful reminder that he hadn't been forced to snog them.

"Professor McGonagall," Smythwick said breathlessly as he burst into the room, "there's an incident on the fourth floor. Professor Flitwick said to come get you."

Sirius saw that Smythwick had tried to ape his heavy punk inspired boots but had landed on vinyl white boots instead. Would Smythwick never stop delighting him?

McGonagall put down her quill pen and took the stack of papers she'd been grading and shoved them into a drawer, tapping her wand on the drawer to lock it.

"Lead on, Mr. Smythwick," she said, "the rest of you continue cleaning. I don't want to hear about any trouble out of a single one of you, or expect detention for the rest of the month, is that clear?"  
"Yes Professor," they all mumbled except Sirius, who said it loudly and with a grin.

McGonagall's mouth twitched like it often did when interacting with Sirius. She was either developing a tic or was constantly fighting a laugh. He took that as victory.

"And burn those ridiculous boots," they heard McGonagall say to Smythwick on her way out the door. Sirius barked a laugh.

"Your doing?" Reg said.

"The boots?" Sirius said, eyebrows raised.

His brother had surprised him. He was sure he was going to pretend that Sirius didn't exist.

"The disturbance on the fourth floor," Reg said.

Reg glanced briefly over his shoulder at Granger, who was ignoring them and scrubbing vigorously. Ah. Well that explained why Reg was acknowledging his existence. His brother had some sort of dastardly Slytherin plan percolating in his demented little mind.

"You give me far too much credit," Sirius said, sitting up, cracking his back.

Bletchley and Parkinson had immediately stopped cleaning as soon as McGonagall had left and were whispering to each other no doubt maliciously, looking between the brothers and Granger. Sirius wasn't even sure who they were mad at. Perhaps all of them.

"You can stop that you know," Reg said to Granger.

He was using his voice that was him poorly attempting to be friendly instead of the snotty snobby arse he really was. Sirius recognized it.

Granger ignored Reg.

"So that's your fancy, for the lady of Black Manor?" Bletchley said snidely to Reg, gesturing at Granger who kept scrubbing, apparently gone deaf and mute, "a Mudblood?"

"Watch your mouth," Sirius said.

"Yeah, you _should _watch your _mouth_," Reg sneered, "wouldn't want you to trip up and try to snog my brother again. You know, the blood traitor?"

Daisy Parkinson gasped theatrically. "You didn't, Gen!" she shrieked.

"Of course not," Bletchley lied, but she was bright red.

"Oh, my mistake," Sirius said, "must've been some bint using Polyjuice that holiday in fourth, yeah?"

"What a great representative for house Black, you're right," Reg said rudely, "a girl who tries to swap saliva with two brothers. Vulgarly brawling with the heir to an ancient pure-blood house over an unsubstantiated rumor," Reg shook his head with mock disgust. "Your mother will understand when my mother tears up the contract."

"You got a contract?" Parkinson shrieked in dismay. "My mother said _I_ would-"

"Not too late," Sirius said viciously, "I've heard Victor Crabbe is still single. Sure, he's twenty-five and balding and as dumb as a post, but that's really more your speed, eh?"

"More her class level," Reg said.

"How dare you!" Parkinson screamed, leaping to her feet.

"Fits your looks better too," Reg said, shoving the dagger in deep. Daisy Parkinson wasn't much of a beauty.

Parkinson drew her wand, and so did Reg. The red faced Bletchley did as well, reluctantly.

"Oh stop it, all of you," Sirius said easily, "none of you want to marry each other. It all works out."

"Shut your mouth Black," Parkinson said, "this is all your fault for getting disowned. Your brother is impossible."

"That he is," Sirius said, nodding.

"You're worse, you blabbermouth," Bletchley said, "I can't believe you told!"

"Sorry, have I wandered back to 1802?" Granger said unexpectedly as she continued to scrub the desk with extreme vigor. "Marriage contracts, at your ages? Talk about proper behavior from a woman? And who cares if Bletchley has tried to snog him or not? A girl is allowed to explore options for fun. Or are you pure-bloods affixed with chastity belts?"

"No one was talking to you," Bletchley said angrily, "you trollop."

"I was standing up for you, ninny," Granger said, still scrubbing.

"Why, exactly?" Reg drawled, and Granger paused in her scrubbing.

She kept her eyes on the desk.

"You should hear the things the girls say about you in the Slytherin common room. I wouldn't stick up for them if I were you."

"I'm standing up for women in general," Granger said.

She was trying to avoid looking at Reg for some reason, Sirius realized suddenly. But why? Reg moved away from the chalkboard, his brow furrowed.  
"Well they don't stand up for you," he said slowly.

"I don't need someone to stand up for me," Granger said, every word deliberate. Reg reached the desk she'd been scrubbing, and her eyes rose. "I stand up for myself. For what's right."

Sirius watched them with narrowed eyes. He couldn't believe his brother was so determined to get back at him that he'd sink as low as being nice to a Muggleborn for ten seconds. Reg must really be angry.

"And what's right?" Reg asked, pushing back his hair.

He didn't need to. It was affixed into place so severely that Sirius doubted tornado wind could move it. It was the pure-blood male way.

Sirius's eyes narrowed further. That did it. His brother was attempting to flirt. Badly. With _his_ girl. Or what Reg thought was his girl. Same thing. Time to show his baby brother how a master did it.

Sirius sat on the desk Granger had been polishing, putting himself between his brother's sad attempts at being charming and Granger, who had a frizzy curl plastered to her left cheek.

"Get your arse print off of my freshly scrubbed desk," Granger said indignantly.

"No need to scrub anymore," Sirius said lazily, waving his wand in a complicated pattern, and then the desks were cleaner then they'd been in twenty years.

Granger looked around. "How'd you do that?" she demanded.

Sirius leaned forward, a burning sensation in his shoulder blades telling him Reg was glaring at him with white hot hatred.

"Magic," he whispered in Granger's ear before she hastily leaned away, but not before Sirius saw the flush on her face. Triumph coursed through him.

The harpies were whispering together again. Nothing good was going to come from that.

"Do tell me more," Granger said sarcastically, "is that what happens when you wave that little wooden stick?"

"It's not that little," Sirius winked.

"That's what you all say," Granger said, deadpan.

Reg snickered.

"Oh, but I can prove it," Sirius said, casually, twirling his wand around.

"Keep your trousers on," Granger said, "I can see from here that your brother's is bigger."

You could hear a bowtruckle drop. Sirius was pretty sure he was making James's demented owl face. Then Reg started laughing. His brother's shoulder pushed him a bit out of the way, his own patrician arse waxing the desk next to Sirius.

"That it is," Reg said casually, twirling his dragon heart string wand, "I'm flattered you noticed."

Sirius closed his mouth with difficulty. The harpies instead of insulting Granger's vulgarity or promiscuity as expected, whispered more. From past experience, that was far more dangerous for everyone involved.

"The real thing is bigger as well," Reg said, and Sirius watched in amazement as his brother attempted Sirius's signature charming grin and hair flick.

As his dark hair was still cemented, nothing happened except a faint crunching noise. The wink, which it was possible Reg had never actually attempted before now, came out like the remnants of a twitching curse.

"Hardly," Sirius finally got out.

It was not his finest insult. In fact, it was on par with a Peter Pettigrew special. But the shock had rendered him mute and that was as best as he could manage. What was happening? His little brother, with his over long nose and skinny limbs and his hatred of Muggle-borns was flirting (successfully at that) with _his_ girl?

"Oh, I think so," Regulus said lazily, trying another charming smile at Granger.

It failed as well. Reg's mouth had spent sixteen solid years sneering in superiority. It didn't have the strength to fulfill what he was attempting, poor muscles.

"Let's conjure a measuring tape," Granger said, "I think this will go well, don't you? A public penis measuring contest amongst brothers."

The harpies both gasped.

Reg, who was a pure-blood dandy and should theoretically swoon at a girl speaking so frankly in front of him, looked at the girl appraisingly instead. The Black family childhood had been too whacked out to phase the brothers much about anything.

"You're very daring," he drawled instead, "how refreshing."

"What is going on?" Daisy Parkinson finally shouted, clearly having enough. "Has the universe gone mad? Have you two even seen her hair? Her clothes? Her family tree? Her _hair?_!"

"Yes, yes, who cares, and yes, I have functional eyeballs," Sirius shrugged. "I've seen all of yours. Your hips are going to get twice the size every time you pop out a kid. Who's going to be dumb, by the way."

Sirius almost fell of the desk when he ducked the curse that flew his way. A glass vase exploded behind him.

"Miss Parkinson!" Professor McGonagall shrieked. She'd returned as silently as the Bloody Baron. "Detention! Tomorrow night!"

"But, Professor-"

"Miss Granger, I see you're the only one who actually did your task," McGonagall said, cutting off the red faced Slytherin, "you may leave. As for the rest of you, you will remain until this classroom is sparkling like a mirror. Then you can resume your favorite habit, gazing into your own reflections for hours."

Granger made eye contact with Sirius, clearly calculating as to whether he was about to take credit for the desk polishing or not. He merely smiled his most charming smile at her while pushing back his hair in a becoming manner. Reg _wished_ he could do it.

"Thank you Professor," Granger said graciously, "I'll see you in class tomorrow."

She retreated, taking her ubiquitous thirty pound book bag from the corner, both Black brothers watching her intently.

"But Professor, she didn't do it!" Parkinson wailed, as Bletchley watched the brothers watch Granger, her eyes narrowed into the most threatening of slits.

"Perhaps you should spend more time on cleaning and less on placing blame, Miss Parkinson," McGonagall snapped.

Reg and Sirius made eye contact. There was a challenge in both gazes.

The end result of his very amusing detention was that the next day everyone in the school was gossiping about how the weird and awkward new girl was in the midst of some sort of love triangle with both Black brothers like a total trollop. Regulus received a howler from the hag about flirting with a Muggle-born, and Sirius was forced to watch Geraldine Gudgeon cry in his direction all the next day for this disappointment. All in all, He'd had worse detentions.

* * *

"What were you thinking?" Helena asked Granger in the Gryffindor girl's seventh year bathroom the next night. "_Were _you thinking?"

"I'm always thinking," Granger muttered, tying her bathrobe tighter, "I know that's confusing to many of you but-"

"Get off your high horse," Sarah hissed, "do you know how many times we've saved your arse today? Did you even notice?"

Lily could tell Granger was thrown.

"I...saved? What do you….?"

"I've confiscated a few potions," Lily said grimly, "at least one would cause you to sprout boils."

"I stopped a trip jinx," Amelia piped up, "on the stairs to lunch."

"I called Genevieve Bletchley a stuck-up bitch," Victoria said from the sink where she was patting herself with expensive creams.

"You would've done that anyway," Helena snorted.

"Yes, but I did it after she said Granger was clearly dousing the Blacks with love potions since she was so ugly," Victoria said.

"Love potions again?" Granger mumbled nonsensically, running a comb through her wet hair. It got stuck.

"How charitable," Sarah said to Victoria.

"Well, we are all Gryffindors," she said, "even if you lot are insufferable."

"Thanks," Amelia said sarcastically.

"I'm not part of _their lot_," Granger said.

"We noticed," Lily sighed.

The new girl was really, genuinely determined to be a loner with no friends.

"Yes, continue to be ungrateful, Granger," Victoria said, "you simpleton. You read so many books yet you have no common sense."

"I'm not making love potions," Granger said mutinously, "I've never made one and I have no intention of making one in the future. And I don't need friends. Thank you for your help, but you can all go about your business from now on."

"Now come on," Lily protested, a guilty squirm in her insides. She'd convinced the other girls in their dorm to stand up for Granger all day out of some sort of penance for the Sev incident. And now Granger was spitting it back in their faces.

"I told you," Helena said to Lily, "we're wasting our time."

Lily's friends walked one by one out of the bathroom, leaving Granger, Lily, and Victoria behind.

"You should use love potions on less obvious targets," Victoria said, patting her neck with lotions now, "I mean, everyone's going to notice _Sirius Black_ acting odd. Pick someone more your level."

"Sirius Black always acts odd," Granger snarled, fighting the comb stuck in her hair, and storming out without another word.

Lily stared after her helplessly, trying to figure out how to fix all this mess.

"Give it up Evans," Victoria said, "you can't save every lost puppy. I thought you learned that lesson with Snape."

Lily felt her anger rise, but the pitying way Victoria was watching her turned her to ice.

"Leave Sev out of this," she said finally.

"When are you going to come to your senses about Potter?" Victoria asked her, rubbing expensive oil in her hair. "He's the best catch in our year. He's been blindly loyal to you for years. I know he's not some project you can piece back together like Snape or Granger like you'd prefer but-"

Lily did her best Granger impression and stormed out of the bathroom in silence.

* * *

"Full moon tonight," Sirius said, rubbing his hands together in the common room, "everyone prepared?"

"Thoroughly," Remus said with a brave attempt at a smile. Over in the corner a group of seventh year girls complained loudly about the ever absent Granger.

Sirius supposed he should feel guilt over the way the girl was getting tormented the last few days. Remus and James and even Pete said it was his doing, but they hadn't been present in that detention. _He_ wasn't the one who started talking loudly about his own cock. _He_ wasn't the one who insisted Reg had a bigger one. The wood might have been arranged, but Granger had thrown the gasoline and lit the match. When he'd explained this, his mates had only stared at him blankly. Perhaps he shouldn't have used a Muggle metaphor.

"Got the stink pellets," Pete nodded, reaching into his bag.

"Not here," James hissed, grabbing his wrist, "Wormy, really. Sometimes you're as dense as a post."

Peter turned red.

"Stink pellets?" Remus asked wearily, eyes on the ceiling from the monumental eye-roll he'd just unleashed.

"Don't ask, and we shan't tell," James said cheerfully.

"Done," Remus said, "just don't get it on me."

"Of course," James lied, "we wouldn't..." he trailed off.

Sirius didn't even have to look around to know that Evans had walked in.

"James," Sirius said snapping his fingers in his friend's face, "oi, Prongs, I know she's got a nice set of legs but-"

James stood up.

"Stop him," Sirius sighed, "or maybe we shouldn't. Teach him a lesson."

"He's been taught that lesson two hundred and twenty times," Pete said regretfully.

"That he has," Sirius said.

For all his qualities, James was a remarkably terrible learner when it came to girls. Or one girl, anyway.

Remus reached out and yanked James down with one small tug. James fell like a puppet with his strings cut. Remus looked weak most of the time, especially around the full moon when he became particularly pale and shadow eyed, but Remus could easily best any of them in a fight. If he was the fighting type, that was.

"You'll thank me later," Remus said as James sputtered.

"But she's covered in blue paint," James whined, "I'm the Head Boy, I need to ask her-"

"No you don't," the other three Marauders chorused.

"But I-"

"No," Sirius said, "bad Prongs. Bad!"

James's looked over Sirius's shoulder and his face contorted into The Demented Owl again. Sirius had already told him to stop doing it, and yet-

"Potter," Evans said from behind Sirius.

He turned, his own mouth opening in surprise that Evans had actually approached James of her own volition.

"Can I discuss our little problem with the Slytherins with you?"

"Yeah," James said breathlessly after thirty solid seconds of silence and a kick from Remus to the ankle bone, "sure, Evans. Whatever you want I'll do it, really anything-"

Pete kicked out too, but as he wasn't as subtle as Remus his foot connected with James's knee and James went down like a sack of Malfoy wigs.

"Ow," James said from where his face was smushed into the carpet.

"Never mind," Evans said, "I see you're busy."

"I'm not," James yelped, trying to sit up, "ow!"

"Forget it," Evans snarled, and she turned, blue paint dripping all over the carpet.

"You're making a mess for the house-elves," Sirius said, "maybe vanish the paint and stop doing your Violet Beaureguarde impression for attention?"

Evans turned back to him, her green eyes flashing death. Sirius grinned.

"Attention?" she hissed, "not everyone is as desperate for it as you two are," she gestured rudely at James who straightened his knee with a yelp and tried to smile at her.

"True," Sirius said, "but there's a whole swath of territory between me and someone like say, Annie Collins," he named the Hufflepuff girl in their year who was so shy she spoke about two words a year, usually when McGonagall forced her to in class.

"Get stuffed, Black," Evans snapped, "no wonder Granger can't stand you."

"Drop it Pads," Remus said under his breath, "don't get detention tonight. Also, James is about to punch you."

Sirius almost argued, but then he remembered it was one of his favorite nights of the year. So he smiled mockingly at Evans instead, who stormed away, still dripping paint for unknown reasons.

It wasn't every night he got to be Padfoot.

* * *

"Did you know," Sirius whispered, walking over to the shelf of books on raising a Manticore for Profit and Fun and leaning against it, "I've got about six girls who asked to see my 'wand' the past three days alone. So I suppose I should be thanking you for trying to humiliate me."

"You're welcome," Granger said shortly. In her arms was a tower of books about Butterflies. Sirius did a double take.

"Although I doubt it's possible to humiliate you," Granger added in a venomous whisper, "your ego is so inflated it can't be punctured."

"If that were true," Sirius said, his eyes darting back to the books and then up to Granger's angry face, "my overinflated ego would pop. That's what overinflated balloons do. Rusty analogy Granger. I'm disappointed."

"Your Muggle references are tedious," Granger snapped, adjusting the tower of books, "tell me, is this some patronizing way to bond with the Muggle-born, or a rebellious quirk you've picked up to annoy your bigot parents?"

"Neither," Sirius said, forcing his jaw to unclench, "thank you for asking."

"So what is it then?" Granger said, "oh, I forgot. You're trying to catch me out. The secret pure-blood Death Eater spy working with your cousin and Voldemort. My mistake."

"I enjoy Muggle culture, actually," Sirius said, "if you really want to know."

"Charming," Granger said, adjusting again. The books must be hurting her arms, yet she was still standing there, trading barbs with him. "So which lucky girls got to see your 'wand'?"

"None," Sirius said, "I'm saving that honor for you. Since you seem to think Reg's got me beat."

"I'm flattered," Granger said, "really. I'll have to make myself a plaque to memorialize this day."

"Make it phallic shaped," Sirius suggested, "call it, 'The Day I Saw the Hottest Guy I've Ever Seen's Cock.' Subtitle: "The Day I Fainted With Joy.'"

"The day I saw the hottest guy I've ever seen," Granger said, "is not this day. God your ego is massive. Tell me, do you snog yourself in the mirror at night?"

"But of course," Sirius said easily, "as the girl I want to snog is leaving me high and dry so she can read about the mating habits of butterflies."

Granger flushed a dull red, although Sirius wasn't sure if it was anger, lust, or something else. Why was she reading books about butterflies? Remus had said she wasn't taking Care of Magical Creatures.

"Well their mating habits are superior to yours," Granger said snidely.

"I've never failed yet," Sirius said, moving slightly closer.

Granger took a step back, the red spreading.

"You're failing right now," she said.

"Am I? I know your type, is all," Sirius said.

He did. She was somewhat unique, he'd give the girl that. A harder nut to crack. More prone to scandalous statements. Inexplicably prone to never fixing her horrific hair. But he knew what to do with a girl like her.

"Do you?" Granger said, adjusting the books again. "Please, enlighten me. I haven't laughed in ages."

"You're uptight," Sirius said, "a bit of a teacher's pet. You think you're above lust, and kissing, and boys. You pride yourself on your no-nonsense approach to being a teenager. No time for you to make yourself look pretty, oh no, you're too smart, not superficial. Not like those other silly girls, am I right? No need to make friends with those stupid gigglers."

"Be quiet," Granger said.

"So you're playing hard to get," Sirius said relentlessly, "maybe you think I'm toying with you. You're not popular after all, nor have you ever been. And I am popular. You don't want to be one of those superficial bints you hate, who like to shop and trade snogging tips and wear lipstick. You have to prove to everyone you're better than that."

"I told you to be quiet, Black," Granger said.

"But get over it," Sirius said, leaning in, "get over yourself. There's nothing wrong with a little snogging. Nothing wrong with having a little fun with a boy."

"Sorry, aren't you convinced I'm evil?" Granger hissed, "isn't that the real reason behind this—this-" she waved a hand between them.

Sirius shrugged, a crooked smile on his face.

"Screw you," Granger said, "you arrogant arse. You're the one who thinks he's better then everyone. You think every girl is just dying to snog you. The highlight of her life, and then you ditch them two seconds later. Don't worry, unlike you making assumptions about me _I'm _not guessing. Every girl I get within three feet of has been dying to tell me all about you. Some Ravenclaw told me what happened after you took her virginity."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Sirius snarled.

"It means you're a pig, and I'm not stupid," Granger said angrily, "I have standards, above being your little play toy for a few days."

"What did she tell you?" Sirius asked, his heart pounding. He knew Rosemarie had been angry at him when they'd broken up, but to think she was spreading lies about him to random girls…

"None of your business," Granger said.

"What do you mean, none of my business?" Sirius retorted, "it's about me, isn't it? I should know if someone's lying about me."

"It didn't seem like a lie," Granger said.

"And you believe her over me?" Sirius demanded. "I'm the one who's been nice to you in this school. For your information, I broke up with her because she was a bitch. Not because I-"

"Wow you're really helping your case here," Granger said meanly, "what a prince you are. Such a gentleman."

"You know what?" Sirius said, "you're right. Why am I wasting my time on you? You're a boring brat who thinks you're the most clever girl alive and you're probably up to dark magic."

Granger reeled like he'd slapped her.

Sirius, as usual, didn't know when to stop.

"And I_ am _way out of your league," he sneered, "just because you're different doesn't make up for this-" he gestured at her whole body, as if he found her disgusting. He didn't.

"Noted," Granger said, her chin jutted forward, "just like this-" she waved her hand at Sirius, "doesn't make up for the fact that you're a hurt little boy who takes out his pain on everyone else."

She heaved the books up one last time and turned around, walking away, Sirius's ears ringing, his face on fire.

Well. Fuck _her_.

* * *

The leaves and twigs crackled under the paws of Padfoot as he ran after the wolf, Prongs's hooves galloping loudly next to him, the antlers ducking from time to time to keep the wolf in line. The rat streaked beside them all, tail whipping in the third night of full moonlight.

Padfoot kept trying to take over, to howl at the moon with the wolf, to dig in the soft soil of the forest, to lope around the village, dancing in the pools of light from the windows of the homes, to smell the roasting meat and spirits coming from the pubs. But the boy's thoughts kept intruding. There was nothing stranger than being in the body of a dog, the instincts of a dog coursing through you, and thinking obsessively about the problems of an angsty teenage boy. He'd almost let Moony get away from him once when he was on main werewolf duty while Prongs took a breather. He just couldn't stop thinking about the stupid girl. He didn't know why. She wasn't very pretty. Sure she wasn't ugly, but she wasn't even half as beautiful as Rosemarie and Sylvia, the two girls he'd publicly dated at Hogwarts. But she was cleverer. She made him laugh a lot. Even though he'd insulted her by saying she was her own type of cliché, not as special as she thought, it wasn't true. He_ hadn't_ met a girl like her before.

But she was also a strange girl who'd shown up out of nowhere, reading endless books on dark magic, in possession of Black family collections that she shouldn't have. That Reg insisted she didn't have. So Sirius couldn't trust her, not ever. And so what if she'd spent the whole day getting tormented by the other girls in the school? So what if the boys had been whispering about how easy she was, how she liked cocks a lot, how she was so promiscuous she went after brothers at the same time? It wasn't his problem that the girl had alienated his groups of friends (the most popular boys in the school) and Evans and her group, leaving no one to help defend her. It wasn't his problem she'd been pushed down a stairwell. Hadn't Madam Pomfrey fixed her in minutes? So what if her uniform had been cut into ribbons this morning, requiring her to be late to first period, earning her a detention? None of this was his fault. She was to blame for not making friends, only enemies. So why couldn't Padfoot make Sirius shut up?

The wolf raised his head and sniffed, bolting to the right. Prongs and Wormtail streaked after him, Sirius following. His nostrils filled with the scent Moony must've caught with his superior nose first. A human. Judging by the faint smell of lavender, a girl. A girl sitting by the lake. Padfoot put on a burst of speed, and cut across Moony the same time Prongs did, antlers lowered. Moony growled and snapped at them, trying to run around their barrier. Padfoot growled back, Prongs stomping his hooves in the ground. They weren't going to let him pass. Moony tried to circle around them, and Wormtail squeaked with fright. The smell was so strong whoever the girl was had to be close. There was a faint smell of apples and cinnamon now. Padfoot's fur stood on end. Oh no.

Moony reared on his hind legs briefly, howling, and Padfoot leapt, jaws closing around his neck. Prongs headbutted Moony and Wormtail ran in like a flash, teeth closing in on his foot briefly before darting to safety again. The struggle lasted for an eternity, or seconds, and then Moony submitted, turning away from the girl and back to the forest. Prongs and Wormtail loped after him immediately, but Padfoot hesitated then turned, running silently to the edge of the forest. The teenage boy inside him was being stupid again.

There, by a tree on the very edge of the forest, was the girl. The apple cobbler that had been dumped in her hair by a hex from person's unknown during supper had been removed, but the scent remained to Padfoot. She was alone, and it was dark, but by a trick of the moon, Padfoot and the boy within could clearly see the tears wetting her cheeks. Padfoot stood, motionless, knowing he had to go back to help control Moony. The girl was sitting in a little ball, shoulders heaving with the force of her sobs. The boy made Padfoot pad forward, closer, and his canine instincts cried out to assist. Who could resist a handsome, friendly dog like him? She needed a friend. And Padfoot _loved_ making friends.

The faintest howl reached his ears, and Padfoot turned away from the girl with reluctance. Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs needed him more. Something in the boy argued, but instinct took over, and Padfoot loped away to the beasts in the forest. The girl would just have to comfort herself.

By the willow tree, Hermione Granger took no noticed of how close she'd come to being bitten by a werewolf. She cried like her heart was breaking.

* * *

**End A/N:** Hermione's got a lot of shit going on, y'all! But never fear, she will not be book one level Hermione forever...hope you enjoyed, feedback is always appreciated!


	8. Join the Slug Club!

**Chapter Eight: Join the Slug Club!**

Remus was twitching on the forest floor in the dim light of sunrise, fresh scratches all over his pale body. His neck was ringed with bruises. The bite marks, at least, had already healed.

James was kneeling next to him, naked as the day he was born. Wormy transformed back, the fur receding. Sirius was still missing.

"Who—who was that girl we smelled?" Pete yawned, stretching.

"Girl?" Remus whispered, his voice cracked.

His eyelids fluttered open, the iris in each still as pitch black as his pupils. His teeth were pointier then they should be. James held back a flinch. He could never get used to the boy's body with the werewolf's eyes.

"Did I hurt someone?" Remus whispered.

He attempted to sit up and James shoved him back down.

"Calm down," James commanded, "no one is hurt but you."

That was not exactly true. James had claw marks on his legs from the wolf. He knew Sirius probably had it bad on his back again. But that was the hazard to running around with a werewolf for three nights every month.

"Where's Sirius?" Pete asked anxiously, "we need him. Pomfrey will be here soon."

"You will just have to help me instead," James said grimly.

Pete was rather short and pudgy. Not the greatest help to deal with the much larger and practically boneless Remus.

"Is Sirius okay?" Remus asked, his voice barely audible.

Wormtail came over to help Remus up, but most of the work of heaving Remus to his feet was left to James. His back twinged. Maybe he should start lifting weights with the Gryffindor beaters before Quidditch practice. Sure, that cut into his busy Lily Evans wooing time… but maybe Evans would enjoy it if James was less scrawny? Perhaps that was it all along, maybe she liked a muscular-

"Help me Prongs," Wormtail grunted, as he practically fell over, Remus half draped on him.

"Sorry," Remus said, closing his eyes for a second with exhaustion. "Is Sirius okay, though?"

"He's fine," James said, voice constricted.

He was pretty sure he was going to fall and Remus and Pete would fall on top of him, smushing him into a pile of ooze. Well, Evans had always liked the pile of ooze that was Snivellus. Maybe it would make her more inclined to him at last. Although she had approached him of her own free will the other night when she had been covered in paint for some reason-

"James!" squeaked Wormtail, and then they all fell over.

A stick was poking James in the arse. Wormy was face down, arm bent back weirdly as he whimpered. Remus had fallen on his side in a pile of leaves.

"Sirius!" James bellowed, "you stupid arse! _Sirius!_"

He struggled free of his mates, pulling the stick out of his naked left arse cheek with a moan of agony.

There was a loud crashing noise in the forest and then a naked Sirius was fighting through the trees near them, wild eyed in the way that said he had been Padfoot until only seconds ago, blood dripping slowly down his body from his collarbone.

"What?" he shouted, "What? Is Granger still here? Remus didn't bite her, did he?"

"Hey," Remus said weakly, mouth muffled by the pile of damp leaves.

"Granger?" Wormy said, trying to untangle his arm from Remus, "was she here?"

"By the lake, it was her?" James said, sitting up, twisting to look at his damaged arse cheek.

Who could he possibly convince to heal an arse cheek?!

"Of course it was her," Sirius said loudly, turning around in a circle like Granger was about to emerge from the woods and see the four naked Marauders at any moment, "didn't you smell the apples?"

Remus tried to roll on his back and failed, falling back on top of Peter, who squealed.

"The cobbler," James groaned, "of course. What was she doing by the lake?"

"Can someone explain?" Remus said, "why is my neck on fire? I didn't bite Granger, did I?"

"No," James and Peter said together.

"Why is my foot bleeding so badly?" Remus asked, trying to look at it and failing.

The first time James had seen Remus after a transformation he'd been terrified. Remus had looked so weak, like he was dying.

"Sorry," Pete said into the forest floor, "you were trying to bite Granger."

Remus made an agonized noise.

"Don't worry," Sirius said, still turning around, "we stopped you."

"Where have you been?" James demanded, standing up, his arse stinging, "we've got to get Remus back to the Shrieking Shack before Pomfrey gets there."

"Nowhere," Sirius said, but he looked guilty as he walked forward to help heave Remus off of Pete.

"Thanks," Pete said into the ground.

They started dragging Remus back to the shack. They'd discovered long ago that all forms of magic on the newly transformed wolf boy didn't quite work correctly when they'd accidentally dislocated Remus's shoulder with _Mobilicorpus_.

As James's arse gently bled into the forest, Sirius's blood drying to a paste on his chest, Remus started regaining his strength as the sun rose more, taking the pressure off of James and Sirius.

"We've got to hurry," Remus croaked, "we can't get caught."

If only they could take the map with them. But they hadn't yet figured out transformations that kept their clothes on their human forms. That made the map out of the question.

As Remus regained his strength and footing more, James was able to regain the ability to breathe.

"Where the bloody fuck were you, Pads?" he demanded.

"Nowhere, I told you," Sirius said, his eyes shifting again.

"Does 'nowhere' mean staring at Granger by the lake like a creep?" James demanded.

"Hark who's talking," Sirius said, "written a disturbing poem for Evans lately?"

James's ears burned. That had been a particularly brutal failure. Just cause he'd rhymed red hair with bled there!

"So, yes?" James said, as the shack came into view. They pushed Remus through the window they'd propped open, crawling in afterwards with moans of pain.

"No," Sirius snapped, "she didn't sit by the lake all night. Leave me alone, all right? We made it back okay."

Remus dragged himself over to the mostly broken couch, pulling on his trousers with some difficulty. "You guys should fight later," he said, "flee now."

Wormtail, who was in the best shape of the four of them, was already dressed, his wand out, unfolding the map.

"No," James said, "this is important. Sirius abandoned us when we needed him to do… _what_, exactly?"

"I didn't leave until Remus had transformed back," Sirius said, "back off, would you?"

"Grow up," James said, "I'm sick of being responsible for you larking about."

Sirius turned red, then white, then red. His fists clenched.

"The badge is getting to you, Prongs," he said finally.

James knew him well enough to hear the strain in his voice that meant Sirius was holding in a great deal of anger but he didn't care. He was furious.

"Someone's got to do the right thing," James said, "you're still off fist fighting your stupid brother and getting into it with Snivellus and-"

"You sound like Evans," Sirius said coldly, "crawl out of her arse, would you James? Or are you turning into some dull little rule follower for a bint?"

"Don't call her a bint," James said, his own voice cold.

"Guys," Remus groaned from the couch, "please."

"Pomfrey!" Peter gasped, staring at the map.

"Shite!" James said, diving for the rest of his clothes. "Get under here!" he hissed, and then the three of them were crammed into each other under the cloak in a sweaty pile on the floor.

They had seconds, and then the door trap floor creaked open and the healer came in, fussing over Remus as the other three boys sweat and bled on each other, Sirius's knee in James's stomach.

It seemed to take eons but finally Pomfrey left with Remus and they rolled away from each other.

"Sorry," James said after a moment. Sometimes after the transformation, too much of the animal remained in them. It hadn't been the first time they'd fought for no reason.

"Yeah," Sirius said, "same."

They got dressed, Pete checking the map to make sure Pomfrey was far enough ahead before they made their way out into the tunnel. After ages of dirt and worms they were back in the dim sunlight again, and Sirius stopped dead.

"Over here," he said finally, leading them to the lake.

"What?" Pete said, as they stopped by a tree.

Sirius walked over to a particularly large willow tree with a hole in the trunk. He reached inside and pulled out a robe ripped and covered in stains.

Prongs's sense of smell had left him entirely, so there was nothing for it. James stripped off again and called the stag forward. The stains, as he'd suspected, were blood. The robe smelled like Granger and apple cobbler. He transformed back, terrified.

"He bit Granger?" James said faintly.

"No," Sirius said, "it's not her blood."

Are you sure?" James said, feeling sick, "are you _sure_, Pads?"

Prongs had the stronger sense of smell over Padfoot, but he didn't have all of that up close and personal contact.

"Yeah," Sirius said, bending over and picking up the robe as James got dressed again, "it belongs to a bloke. Look at it."

James examined the robe that his mate held out. It was unmistakably cut in the male style, and was long enough for a person far taller than Granger.

"Hey, look," Pete said, "it's got a name on the tag."

James turned the robe so the tag came into view. They all read it at the same time.

"Still don't believe me that she's no good?" Sirius said, voice hard.

In the rising sun, embroidered in golden thread, "_Potter_" gleamed.

* * *

Lily shifted in her dress. Slughorn had specified "semi-formal attire" for his first Slug Club dinner party of the year, but she hadn't felt like wearing a dress robe. So she'd worn a green Muggle dress that brought out her eyes in a way that her mother had insisted was fetching. Lily Evans followed the rules, but no one could accuse her of being rigid about it. She'd been right that Slughorn would enjoy her Muggle attire. He'd waggled a finger at her and chuckled, told her she looked lovely. He'd walked away to greet a new arrival while saying "cheeky" under his breath in amusement.

It had only been a bonus that her dress irritated the pure-blood snobs in the club. A bonus, and certainly not the main reason Lily had done it. Not at all.

Genevieve Bletchley had just arrived in dress robes of shining silver, her lip curling when she'd seen Lily. She turned, the pile of diamonds around her neck extreme overkill, to sail off in the other direction to rub elbows with some of the influential toffs Professor Slughorn loved to invite.

"She looks ridiculous," a boy drawled from behind her, "but then, so do you."

"Charming as always, Regulus," Lily said without turning.

"Congratulations on being made Head Girl," Regulus continued to her back, "being the favorite pet of Slughorn, Dumbledore, and McGonagall…of course it was inevitable. But you had to twist the knife in by wearing that, didn't you?"

Lily turned, surprised. "I'm not sure what you mean," she said.

Regulus Black was more insufferable then his brother. That was difficult to do. A real accomplishment. Lily had told him once he should put it on his resume. Regulus hadn't even known what that was, and once she'd explained, he'd sneered that he was a Black, and didn't need to do anything as base as beg for a job. Or as base as even _having _a job. Really, he'd just proven her point, and it was a story Lily loved repeating to any fool who tried to tell her that Sirius Black was more irritating then Regulus Black. (All three people who felt that way anyway had heard it.)

"Slytherin green?" Regulus said, one eyebrow cocked, "in Muggle wear? You look like a tart, by the way."  
Lily flushed. "This is a very conservative dress," she said, "I'll have you know. And it's emerald green, not Slytherin green."

"You must be glad Snape isn't part of the club," Regulus said, "or he'd be humping your leg like a dog right now."

Lily's face became fire engine red. Curse her red hair and pale skin!

"Well I'm definitely cursing that _you're_ part of the club," Lily said quietly, clutching her glass of elf wine, "as usual."

"If you want to throw off the taint of your heritage – as much as you can, that is – and join fine society, get used to being surrounded by your betters," Regulus said.

If the words hadn't been so rude, it would've almost sounded like advice.

"Thanks for the tip," Lily said dryly, looking around for an escape.

Six years of being a member of the Slug Club with Regulus Black had left with her with zero tolerance for another discussion about her dirty Muggle parents that he put in delicately rude terms. Not for Regulus Black was a thrown utterance of "Mudblood" to her face. No, he was all about discussing her "unfortunate parentage" and "embarrassing family line." He was perhaps the only boy alive who made her long for the massive, overwhelming arrogant presence of Sirius Black instead. At least the elder Black wasn't a bigot. And if he was, he hid it very well.

"Are you trying to ditch me?" Regulus said sharply, and Lily jumped. "Are you stupid? Don't you know who my family is?"

Lily turned to say considering his parents had brawled with her own not a month before of course she knew who his family was before Black the younger ranted on, cutting her off.

"I can do a lot for you, Evans. Here I am, sacrificing my reputation to be seen talking to you and yet you are trying to ditch me?"

"God, you really are like your brother," Lily said wryly. It was true in a way, and it was guaranteed to rile him up enough that he'd avoid her for the next three months like she preferred it.

"I'm nothing like that—that-" Regulus sputtered.

"Pity," Lily said, "at least he doesn't say 'Mudblood.'"

True he'd never said it to her face. But Regulus Black had most definitely said the slur at some point. She'd bet the house on it.

For some reason, this made Regulus smile. It was a cruel smile. That was really the only way Regulus Black could smile.

"Shows what you know," Regulus said, his eyes sweeping over her while he smiled that cruel little smile.

"You're not going away," Lily said wearily, "have you hit your head? Do you not recall that you hate me?"

"I'm networking," Regulus said, his voice deadpan, "with a witch with a powerful future. Obviously."

Genevieve Bletchley was glancing their way, a superior sneer on her red painted mouth.

"You're going to get another howler," Lily noted. "First Granger, then me? Are you sure you aren't James Potter under Polyjuice?"

Regulus's face twisted like she'd force fed him poison, and Lily crossed her fingers that this would drive him away and someone tolerable would arrive to the dinner.

"Don't make me ill," Regulus said, "my brother's taste in girls and best friends is equally excruciating."

"Well we half agree," Lily said, gulping some elf wine.

Why wouldn't Black the younger go away? Every once in a while he'd sneer some insult at her when no one else was around, she'd irritate him back, and then they wouldn't speak for half a year or so. It was how they both preferred it.

"Congratulations as well on having the brains to resist Potter," Regulus said, "although I suppose his parentage is _so_ far superior to your own that-"

"Will you shut up about my parents?" Lily hissed through her teeth, smiling mechanically at one of the Ministry friends of Slughorn who walked over and introduced himself to her and Regulus, who switched to some alarming alternate persona that was charming and personable.

It switched off of course as soon as the Ministry member walked off to speak to a pair of Ravenclaws.

"I should tell Snape that I spent all night talking to you," Regulus said to her back as Lily turned away to look for someone, anyone she liked to appear.

It wasn't like extricating herself from Regulus Black to talk to Genevieve Bletchley was an improvement.

"Why would he care?" Lily said evenly. She hadn't been friends with Sev in almost two years. Most people had forgotten about it. She thought no one knew about Sev's feelings for her. But recently, it was if everyone was popping up to remind her about the whole mess.

"Come now Evans, don't be coy," Regulus drawled, "I _would_ say he's more your speed, as a half-blood, but even I'm not that cruel."

Lily had had enough, and made to walk off, when a meaty arm was thrown over her shoulder.

"Ho, ho ho!" Slughorn chuckled, and then Lily was drawn to his right side in a tight squeeze.

As consolation, Regulus Black looked just as uncomfortable under Slughorn's left arm.

"Two of my very favorite students getting along at last! How wonderful," Slughorn looked back and forth between them and Lily could practically hear his brain whirring.

She didn't doubt how happy playing matchmaker for the two of them would make Sluggy.

Regulus's jaw jutted out like a petulant child and then he tried to smile. He failed.

"We've always gotten along Professor," he said, "right, Evans?"

"Er," Lily said, "well..."

"Excellent!" Slughorn boomed, shaking them both a little. "and think what beautiful children you'd have! So brilliant! So cheeky!"

Lily heard her own teeth rattle in unison with Regulus's. Sluggy walked away, still chuckling.

"That was disgusting," Regulus said under his breath.

"I'm quite sure you'd get disowned if you married me," Lily said, adjusting her dress's neckline.

"Funny, my brother said the same thing about you," Regulus said.

"Go away and talk to your friends like Bletchley," Lily said. She didn't know how much more she could take of him, Head Girl or not.

"She's a little miffed at me since mother tore up her marriage contract," Regulus said, "what a pity."

Lily snorted into her wine. "My congratulations to you on escaping her," she said.

"Accepted," Regulus said, "you know, Evans, the Dark Lord is looking for people like you, so I hear."

Lily whipped around. "What?"

"He's always interested in people of talent," Regulus said, "or so I hear."

"My parents are Muggles," Lily said, feeling ill.

She knew Regulus Black was one of those pure-bloods who thought he was superior to her. But this was worse than she had ever thought. Far worse. No one called him the Dark Lord but his followers. "I'm not sure how you forgot that, considering you've referenced it three times this conversation alone and my father got into a brawl with your father in the Leaky Cauldron."

"Talent is more important to him then blood," Regulus said, "or so I-"

"So you hear, sure," Lily said, shaking, "listen, Black, you're better than that, you know? You're better than-"

"You don't know anything about me," Regulus said, and finally, he walked away, right when Lily desperately wanted him not to.

* * *

"She's got '_Mudblood'_ scarred on her arm," Sirius said quietly as they stirred their cauldrons. "she's got books on dark magic with the Black family crest on them. And she's got a robe with your name on it, covered in blood. Can someone put all of these pieces together for me correctly?"

"What do you mean she's got—got _you know what _scarred on her arm?" James asked. "You sure she didn't write it in ink for some reason?"

"And what reason would that be?" Remus asked, the shadows under his eyes prominent. "Look I'm sorry, but you two are grasping at straws here. Is it even your robe, James? Are you missing one?"

"No," James said with a frown. He'd checked as soon as they'd snuck back to the dorms.

"And since when do you get your name embroidered on the inside in gold?" Remus pointed out reasonably.

"I don't," James said.

Sirius was frowning off at the new girl who was sitting with the Ravenclaws at a bench nearby. A strand of her hair fell into her potion.

"That's going to be ruined," James muttered.

"We shouldn't have left it in the tree," Sirius said, still glaring at Granger. "Let's go get it after class."

"No," James and Remus said together.

"Fine," Sirius said shortly, "I'll get it without you."

"Pads, come on," James said, exasperated, "we've been over this. We have to leave it or she'll get suspicious."

"Good," Sirius said, "it's about time she gets uncomfortable."

Across the room, one of the Slytherins threw an armadillo spine into Granger's cauldron, causing it to explode in her face, dousing her with a half brewed growth potion. She screamed as her face broke out into little rainbow spots that wiggled.

"Who threw that?" Slughorn said, rushing over to Granger.

"I think she's uncomfortable enough," Remus said, "listen, what was she doing by the lake?"

"Dunno," James said, "I didn't see her," he looked sideways at Sirius.

"Sorry I wanted to figure out who was out by the lake at midnight," Sirius said irritably. "She was crying, for the record."

"Crying?" James said, surprised. He turned sightless and saw Slughorn ordering Evans to escort Granger to the hospital wing as she whimpered in pain.

"I'm sorry, I know you two are prescribed to the theory that she's some evil mastermind spy," Remus said, "but this doesn't fit. None of this fits. If she was so dastardly, why is she letting herself get bullied like this?"

Across the dungeon, the group of Slytherin girls who were the likely culprits for the armadillo spine giggled behind Slughorn's back.

"Why did she try to make friends with Snivellus?" James retorted.

"He can't have a friend?" Remus asked.

"No," James and Sirius said together.

"Whatever," Remus said, "if you're so worried about what she's up to, just talk to Lily about it."

"Evans?" James said, surprised.

"Now you've done it," Sirius muttered, he was glaring at Snape for some reason.

"About Granger," Remus corrected, "avoid attempting to woo her for once, Prongs. It will give you a good excuse to talk to her about neutral things."

"Maybe you can avoid humiliating yourself," Sirius said sourly. "Just remember this time not to serenade her in the courtyard in front of everyone."

James's face heated.

"Speaking of humiliating yourself in front of a girl," he said, "still planning on wooing Granger?"

"Fuck her," Sirius snorted, "even if she isn't some Death Eater spy she thinks she's so special. Well bollocks to that."

James looked at his best mate and then turned to Remus, who looked equally incredulous.

"Er..._Granger_ thinks she's special?" James said delicately.

"What would make you think that?" Remus asked.

"It's obvious," Sirius said, and James knew there was something his mate wasn't telling him. He knew Sirius was different then he was, that Sirius had grown up mistrustful and unsupported and unloved, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt when Sirius hid things from him. James told Sirius everything.

"So if she has the Black family books and your brother says she doesn't, what does that mean?" Remus asked.

"It means Reg is lying," Sirius said, "as usual. Or maybe the hag is lying to him. Wouldn't be the first time."

"Well you know the only way to figure it out," James joked, "tell your parents you've repented and take a gander yourself at the library."

Sirius's expression changed.

"I was joking," James said hastily.

"There's an idea," Sirius murmured as Sluggy continued to wag his finger around about Granger's rainbow spot attack with no real threat behind it.

"JOKING," James repeated.

"Maybe Greengrass will help," Sirius said thoughtfully, "pretend we're engaged, right, and then-"

"He's lost it," James said to Remus.

"He never had it," Remus retorted.

Next to them, Sirius turned to look at Sami Greengrass, eyebrows lowered.

"I'm a genius," he murmured.

* * *

"I'm sorry about Snape," Granger said to Lily as they walked to the Hospital Wing, "I didn't mean to make you two at odds."

"We were already at odds," Lily said curiously, "and I've been wondering, Hermione. How did you even know Sev and I used to be friends?"

She was purposely watching the girl with care when she asked. If she hadn't been, she would not have seen the guilty shift of her eyes, the way her shoulders hunched.

"I mean, people talk about other people Evans," Granger said, "it's not exactly a secret."

"We had our falling out years ago," Lily said, "no one talks about it anymore." This was not, strictly speaking, true, as it had been coming up an uncomfortable amount lately.

"Well I'm sorry to break it to you," Granger said, "but people do still talk about it behind your back."

"Who?" Lily demanded. Granger's eyes shifted again.

"Some girls in Hufflepuff in my Arithmancy class. I don't know their names."

"Odd," Lily said, "as there are no girls in Hufflepuff in Seventh year N.E.W.T.S."

"My mistake," Granger said, "they must've been Ravenclaws. You can't expect me to remember a thousand new people I've never met before in mere weeks."

"Well see, Ravenclaws have blue and bronze ties," Lily said, "and eagle crests. Hufflepuffs have-"

"You know what?" Granger said loudly, making a series of yellow and blue spots on her left cheek dance, "I think I can make it to the Hospital Wing fine. Go back to class."

"No need to get testy," Lily said, "I'm just-"

"I was trying to apologize, and here you are, joining Sirius in acting like I'm some sort of minion of darkness, interrogating me over every little detail-"

"Sirius?" Lily said, raising her eyebrows, "he's won you over enough that you're calling him Sirius now?"

"Oh piss off," Granger snarled, "there's two of them. Am I supposed to call them both Black?"

"Most do," Lily said.

She felt sorry for the new girl, she did, but that didn't mean she wasn't suspicious of her as well. The way she'd acted after spotting Lily with Sev in the library was beyond odd. It hadn't even occurred to Lily to question it at the time, she had been so sad and confused and angry at Sev, but it had burst into her mind later. Why did Hermione Granger care if she was friends with Sev or not?

Why was she always disappearing where no one could find her? Why was she so _angry?_

"I'm not most people," Granger said shortly, "please leave me alone. I've asked nicely."

"What happened to your face, Granger?" a boy said from their left as they rounded a corner on the second floor.

"Speak of the devil," Granger said, throwing up her hands.

"I'm the devil now?" Regulus Black said, trying to smile in the way that Lily had witnessed Sirius smile at girls he toyed with.

He made eye contact with Lily and his eyes turned cold.

"Hello Regulus," Lily said, "I was hoping to see you-"

"You heard Granger," he cut her off, "she doesn't need your assistance Evans. I can escort her to the Hospital Wing."

"I'm the Head Girl," Lily said indignantly, "neither of you can tell me what to do."

She had been trying to corner Regulus Black for a solid week after their encounter at Sluggy's party. It couldn't be too late for him. It just couldn't.

"Oh let's all go together, how jolly," Granger said with heavy sarcasm, "listen, clear it up for us, should we call you Black or Regulus?"

"Doesn't matter to me as long as you're screaming it in bed," Regulus said. "Tell you what, you each pick one and we can try it out together. I'll tell you which I prefer. There's an empty classroom nearby-"

Lily almost fell over. This sort of talk she expected out of Sirius Black, who threw out innuendos in a way that came across as cheeky jokes instead of obscene, but Regulus Black was known for his aloof snobbery, his impeccable pure-blood manners to most girls.

"Yeah, sure," Granger said, "I'll rub these spots on you to get you going."

"Ah, those," Regulus said, looking over Granger's face, "_dissipati peribunt varietates suas_!" the spots disappeared.

"How'd you do that?" Granger demanded, running a hand over her face, "I got that from a potion!"

"No you didn't. It's been the newest rage to get your enemies in Slytherin for the past week," Regulus shrugged, "someone must've hit you at the same time the potion got you."

"You should still get checked out by Madam Pomfrey," Lily said.

She wanted to try to talk to Regulus Black about his potential disturbing affiliation with Voldemort but there was no way he'd talk in front of Granger. And besides, she wanted nothing to do with the strange flirtation happening in front of her.

"Yeah, after we test out which name I like screamed more," Regulus smirked. "You coming, Evans?" He pushed open a door to an empty classroom nearby, and Granger actually walked inside.

Lily walked into a suit of armor in shock.

"No?" Regulus said smugly, "well, if you change your mind..." he followed Granger, shutting the door, laughing.

Lily stood stock still for a solid thirty seconds, her mouth open, staring at the door. Sure, Lily wasn't a gossip. She had no intention of telling the rest of the school that Hermione Granger had just taken up Regulus Black on a crude sexual proposition right in front of her. But how would Granger know that about Lily? Did she want everyone to know? Did she want Sirius Black to know?

Finally Lily moved away, closing her mouth with difficulty. That did it. Hermione Granger was insane.

Inside the classroom, standing ten feet apart with both of their arms crossed, Regulus Black and Hermione Granger waited until Lily's footsteps finally faded.

"Now that we got rid of goody two shoes Evans, I think it's about time we had a chat, don't you?" Regulus said.


	9. Chippendales at Hogwarts

**Chapter Nine: Chippdendales at Hogwarts**

In the drawing room on the first floor of the Black family home Walburga Black unrolled the parchment Kreacher had placed into her hand a few minutes before with his lowest of bows. Across from her, her brother's wife Druella was nibbling on a corner of a biscuit.

She'd stopped by to bore Walburga to death with every excruciating detail about Narcissa's upcoming nuptials to Lucius Malfoy, an extremely wealthy and impeccably blooded man who nonetheless made Walburga's skin crawl.

Druella was testing her last nerve. Her daughters were married off to pure-blood men, yes, while Walburga's younger son wasn't engaged and her first born son was as good as dead to her. But not all of Druella's daughters were married to pure-blood men. And Druella's only grandchild was a half-blood monstrosity Druella had never even met or acknowledged. Where the woman got off giving airs…

Walburga glanced at the unrolled parchment. It was only years upon years of decorum drilling on what was expected of a Black family lady that stopped her from spitting her tea all over the parchment.

She recognized Sirius's handwriting at once. That didn't surprise her. She'd been expecting him to come crawling back to her for some time now, begging for forgiveness. The fact that he'd held out for well over a year had shocked her.

"Something wrong, Walburga?" Druella asked, putting down her barely touched biscuit.

It wasn't often that Druella allowed even a nibble of a sweet to touch her lips, so Walburga always considered her sister in law eating one bite a triumph of the kitchen. She'd have to praise Kreacher later.

For a second Walburga's hand clenched the parchment to herself, not wanting to share the news. But Druella, as annoying as she was currently being about Narcissa bagging the Malfoy heir, had been helpful when Sirius had run away. She had, in fact, been the only one Walburga could discuss her shame with. Druella after all, was tainted with the exact same brush, even if a middle daughter who was the plainest of your girls didn't count the same as your eldest son and heir, the most handsome boy in England.

"Kreacher!" Walburga bellowed, and the elf returned, bowing.

"Mistress called?" he asked.

"Bring whiskey," Walburga said, thrusting the letter at Druella, "for my tea."

Before Druella took the parchment Walburga drew back for a second.

"Tell no one, sister," she said, "no one."

"Of course not," Druella frowned.

"It's family business," Walburga said, holding out the letter again.

The part of her that was absolutely, utterly convinced that there was no higher woman than a girl born into the Black family was soothed when Druella spat her own tea over the parchment.

_Dearest mother,_

_I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that I've found a bride to continue on the line of Black family scions. I think you'll find her suitable. Perhaps I can bring her by the house and you can give me your approval? I'm sure she will help put me on the path you'd prefer again. Her name is Sami, short for Samantha. Give father my best._

_Your loving and exceptionally gorgeous son,_

_Sirius_

"Samantha Greengrass?" Druella shrieked as Kreacher returned with another tray of chocolate raspberry biscuits and whiskey that he poured generously into Walburga's trembling cup of tea.

"It must be," Walburga said with relish.

Samantha Greengrass had been tenth on her list of potential brides for Regulus but that was only because she'd heard from the girl's foolish mother that Samantha had been harboring a little crush on Walburga's elder and rebellious former son for some time now. Walburga wanted a girl for Regulus that only had eyes for him.

Otherwise, Samantha Greengrass was a triumph. Her mother was weak willed and deferential to Walburga. Her father was even more complaisant to Walburga and Orion. Walburga had seen the girl at the last ball of the summer, and she'd been reluctantly impressed with her modesty and beauty. And of course, she'd been angry that the girl didn't have the sense to reject her disgrace of an elder son like the other pure-blood girls had sensibly done and try for Regulus instead.

"The Greengrasses," Druella said, her eyes wide, "they looked..._well rested_ at the Fawcett's ball in August."

It was gentile code. Both of the Greengrass women had been draped in jewels, the sons in the finest robes money could buy, gleaming with golden and emerald accents. Because oh yes, there was one thing that was wonderful about Samantha Greengrass. The girl was incredibly, unbelievably wealthy.

Walburga smiled.

* * *

Remus Lupin wasn't sure which of his friends had lost their mind over a girl more thoroughly. James of course was the obvious front runner. He'd been huddled in their room in his free time a lot lately, muttering over molding clay while he attempted to shape it into the figure of Lily Evans reading a book. Nothing anyone told him about this being a sad, pathetic, and frankly _disturbing_ thing to do dissuaded him.

But Sirius had sunk so low as pretending to be engaged to Sami Greengrass to crawl back into his mother's good graces solely to get a look at his family library...because he thought Granger had stolen some of the books. Somehow. For some some unknown dastardly reason. Perhaps right after she'd scarred _Mudblood _into her own arm.

The only way his plan wasn't thoroughly stupid and cruel was that Sirius had assured them all that Sami Greengrass was onto the truth of the situation and knew clearly that they were not, in fact, engaged.

It was a sad testament to Sirius's playboy ways that none of them believed him about this. Sami Greengrass had been getting tormented by some of the Slytherin pure-bloods who took a hard line against blood traitors like Sirius. The other pure-bloods had been congratulating her on bringing back one of the brightest pure-blood stars back into the fold.

Sirius's fan club, which was extensive and comprised of many different genders, ages, and houses, was not happy with Sami Greengrass at all. But Sami herself had seemed incandescent with happiness despite all of this, holding Sirius's hand in the hallways, at lunch where she sat at the Gryffindor table while glares and whispers got thrown her way, and in classes.

Remus had trouble believing Sami was that good of an actress. The nuclear explosion of Sirius being "engaged" to a pure-blood girl from Slytherin and regaining his status as heir to the Black family name and fortune had obliterated every other piece of gossip from the school. Remus had assumed no one would be happier about this arrangement then Hermione Granger, but the weird new girl had surprised him again. There had been moments over the last three weeks that Remus had caught her watching Sirius and Sami with a very strange expression. Remus would have assumed it was jealousy, that despite all protests to the contrary she was not happy with Sirius throwing her over for another girl, but that wasn't_ quite_ the look on the girls face.

And now, patrolling the corridors with Rosalie McGovern, the seventh year Prefect from Hufflepuff, at ten at night he'd just caught Hermione Granger alone in a classroom with Regulus Black.

"Wow," Rosalie blurted, for which Remus was grateful. For his part, he was doing The Demented Owl and couldn't speak.

Regulus and Granger sprang apart.

"It's not what it looks like," Granger said to Rosalie, and then she made eye contact with Remus. Her face drained of color.

"You sure?" Rosalie said, "it looks like we caught you out of bed after hours snogging in a dark classroom."

Remus looked away from Granger, who'd dropped her eyes to the floor like he'd caught her in something humiliating. Which, he supposed he had. Regulus smirked at him. Much like James and Wormy (and Sirius himself) Remus was not overly fond of Sirius's younger brother. He could see how the upbringing in the horrible hell hole that was the Black Family home would turn most people into insufferable little assholes but that didn't mean he liked Sirius's arrogant, bigoted brother. He just had pity for him.

"We weren't snogging," Granger said, her voice high pitched as she talked to her shoes. "You didn't see that. What are you talking about?"

"I'm not blind," Rosalie said, "and you're making it worse by lying."

Remus frowned. He'd been second in the door and it had been very dark in the classroom but he couldn't say he actually _had_ seen snogging. Although what else Hermione Granger could be doing in a pitch black abandoned classroom late at night with Sirius's brother facing each other very closely he wasn't sure.

"We weren't," Granger said, raising her eyes again and looking at Remus the way he looked at McGonagall when one of the Marauders got caught by her, which was odd in and of itself.

Remus was one of the softest prefects to get caught by. There was no need to fear a McGonagagall-esque punishment. Everyone knew it. But perhaps the new girl didn't.

"Regulus," Granger snapped, "don't just standing there smirking, back me up."

Remus felt a stab of pity for the new girl when Regulus crossed his arms, remaining silent and smug. Both boys knew Rosalie McGovern was one of the biggest gossips in the school. It would be all over Hogwarts by tomorrow that Hermione Granger was snogging Regulus Black at night in the sixth floor of the castle, whether she had been or not.

"Sure," Rosalie said, "ten points from Gryffindor and Slytherin each for being out of bed. Ten more for lewd behavior."

"Lewd behavior?" Granger snarled, "nothing was happening!"

"That's not what I saw," Rosalie said, "and Regulus isn't denying it."

Granger whipped her head round to glare at Regulus, who shrugged.

"Nothing I say will change her mind," he told Granger, not exactly sounding sad about it. "Why bother?"

"You should watch it Granger," Rosalie warned, "you're not exactly popular and your reputation is already in the toilet. You shouldn't add this promiscuous behavior to it."

"We weren't kissing," Granger half shouted in frustration, "and you know what, little Miss Prude? Even if we had been, that's not lewd. That's not promiscuity. Please adjust your chastity belt from the fourteenth century, would you?"

Regulus laughed, and Rosalie purpled, drawing herself up fully. Rosalie McGovern was nor particularly popular. She'd earned a bit of reputation as an uptight shrew. No one had ever tried, as far as Remus knew, to snog her. Granger couldn't possibly know how sore the spot she'd just pushed was.

"Twenty points form Gryffindor for insulting language," Rosalie said, ominous.

"Oh come on!" Granger said, throwing her hands in the air. "You're just being ridiculous now, you little-" Regulus clamped a hand over Granger's mouth, drawing to her side, his arm around her.

"Now now, darling," Regulus drawled, "she's just jealous."

"Jealous?" Rosalie exploded, "of what?"

"Alright that's enough," Remus said finally, "you two make your way back to your rooms. Er, separately."

Granger threw Regulus off of her, glaring at everyone in the room in turn.

"Gladly," she said rudely, "and you," she pointed in Rosalie's face, "you keep your fat trap shut about what you think you saw if you know what's good for you." She pushed out of the room in a rage before Rosalie could collect herself.

"Was that a threat?" Rosalie yelled impotently after her but Granger was gone.

"Well, I've been a bad boy," Regulus drawled, "so sorry for the bother McGovern. Do give my best to my dear brother, would you Lupin?" he smirked and swaggered after Granger, and the wolf arose in Remus, longing for just a moment to smack Regulus Black into next week.

Remus had been friends with Sirius and James for seven years now. He thought he knew smug. But Regulus Black was running laps around his mates. Remus knew why. Regulus somehow knew the invalidity of Sirius's current game with Sami Greengrass. He had figured out the depth of Sirius's obsession with Granger. And nothing was going to get under Sirius's skin quite like hearing Granger was caught snogging his brother in a classroom.

The look on Rosalie McGovern's face promised war.

* * *

Sirius grabbed the set of robes on his floor and threw it further away. Useless. All of his clothing was useless. Why had he burned the one set of dress robes he'd discovered in his trunk when he'd run away in a petty fit of rage?

"We're going to have to go shopping," Sirius said, pushing his hair out of his eyes in frustration.

"It's Wednesday," Pete said helpfully from his bed. He was lying on his back reading a comic, "also, it's past ten at night."

James was sitting on his bed hunched over his nightstand, muttering as usual over a wad of clay that was molded not at all in the shape of Lily Evans. Perhaps it was time to finally get him checked at St Mungo's for a massive head injury. They'd know for sure if he said something nice about Snivellus.

Sirius shrugged and picked up his next set of robes. There was a hole near the hem from that time James had set it on fire in potions for his own amusement.

"Do either of you have any green satin ribbon?" Sirius asked thoughtfully, turning the hem with the hole to the light.

"Yeah, in my jewelry box," Pete said, "next to the emeralds and gold doubloons."

Sirius ground his teeth. If even Pete was insulting him he'd sunk quite low.

"We're going to have to go shopping," he repeated, throwing the holey robe into the fire. Might as well scorch the hell out of all of it.

"For what?" Pete asked, turning a page lazily.

James continued to mutter and poke at the clay. Sirius felt his temper rise.

"For my wedding dress robes when I marry Evans," he said loudly.

James just sighed and started rolling the clay into a little ball.

"I've already got mine picked out," Pete said cheerfully.

"Mrs. Lily Black, what do you think?" Sirius asked, louder, as across the room Edgar Kelly beat a hasty and silent retreat, sensing an impending Sirius Black tantrum. It did nothing to help his mood.

"Why are you all awake?" Quorty Fillimon groaned from his bed.

"Because it's barely ten at night you toss-pot," Sirius snapped.

"It's Wednesday," Quorty bleated.

"You're seventeen," Sirius snarled, "not a hundred and seventeen."

Unexpectedly, James got up, opened the window, and threw the clay out with a loud curse.

"Not again," John Millman moaned from his bed.

"Just wear earplugs!" Sirius bellowed, pushing aside his hair again in frustration as he tossed aside a pile of Muggle band shirts and a leather jacket.

Surely he owned one set of robes that were decent and without the Gryffindor crest? Just one? John flipped two fingers outside his bed curtains and Sirius impotently threw a shirt with _The Clash_ on it back. It flew one foot and then floated gently back to the floor.

James opened up a new package of clay, his sixth or his sixty-fifth, who knew, and started badly molding again, taking no notice of anything or anyone.

The door opened and Remus wandered in, looking peakier than usual for this time of the month. He saw Sirius sitting in a pile of clothes with a scowl on his face, James yanking his hair with his clay covered hands, leaving streaks of grey through the strands, and made to walk straight back out.

"Where are you going, Remus?" Pete asked, "How was patrol?"

Remus looked guilty, his hand on the doorknob behind him. Sirius's eyes narrowed.

"What happened?" he asked shortly.

Remus couldn't lie to save his life. Literally. He'd been terrible at hiding his werewolf secret until James and Sirius had coached him through how to lie. The Marauders had discovered it roughly nine weeks into first year and spent the following six months trying to figure out how to break it to Remus without scaring the shite out of him.

"Nothing," Remus said, sounding even guiltier, "on an unrelated note, Sirius, can we chat? In….er...private?"

"Yes do it in private!" Quorty shouted from his bed, "and shut the fuck up so the rest of us can sleep."

"You can tell me here," Sirius said, "in the pile of my misery."

"And fabric," Pete said, as James's hair became more clay then human hair.

"And why are you sitting in a pile of t-shirts?" Remus asked, eyebrows raised. Good old Remus. He could always count on him to show interest when Pete and James were being willfully rude and ignoring Sirius's pain.

"I have no dress robes," Sirius said dramatically.

"What a shame," Remus said dryly, "were you attending a wedding soon?"

"Yup," Pete said, "he's marrying Lily. Mr. Sirius Evans. I'm wearing my blue dress robes. The ones with the snitches on the lapels."

"Good man," Sirius said.

They were nice robes. He'd borrow them, in fact, if Pete was anywhere near his size. James was both too short and too skinny to consider. Sirius would be wearing a skin tight set of robes and flashing ankle, and then the hag beast might faint from all the scandalous flesh. Remus, of course, as tall as oddly broad shouldered for a bookworm as he was was out of the question. Remus's best dress robes had been carefully mended half a dozen times and been fashionable thirty years ago.

"What?" James barked, "what was that, Pete?"

"WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP?" John screamed from around his bed hangings.

James and Sirius made eye contact, promising retribution for this. John seemed to realize his mistake the instant he'd made it.

"Um, I mean...sorry Black, Potter, I didn't mean to-"

"No no no," Sirius said soothingly, "it's quite alright. We're irritating you. We understand."

James grinned like a shark. A shark that had rubbed clay on its head in a deranged attempt to win over the most stubborn redhead on the planet.

"Well if you want to talk," Remus said, rescuing John from soiling himself in fear, "I'll be in erm...the bathroom."

He positively fled while Sirius blinked in confusion.

"That was weird," Pete said.

Sirius almost followed Remus. But his eye was caught by a pair of leather pants he'd bought solely in the hopes that the beast would see him wearing them and have a stroke and die. He stomped down on the impulse.

"I need dress robes," Sirius said, "when is our next Hogsmeade visit?"

"Three weeks out," James said, still staring at John's curtains with a calculating look, "look, Pads, did you say something about Mr. Lily Evans?"

"Dammit," Sirius hissed. At this rate he really would have to wear leather pants and kill the beast. Well, at least then he'd be able to search the library in peace, over her corpse. Then he remembered Kreacher.

"And we can't go before that?" he asked delicately, eyes darting to the other beds their roommates were trying to sleep in.

"How could you do that?" Quorty said, muffled, "you'll never convinced McGonagall."

James looked back at Sirius, cocking his head.

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

James shook his head.

Sirius scowled. Ever since James had gotten the badge he'd been a stick in the mud. Perhaps he'd stop _ever _using the cloak. The next thing to go was the full moon, he was sure of it. James would stay in to shine his Head Boy badge on Evan's knickers he'd stolen one night in a state of utter desperation and then Remus would bite someone with only Sirius and Pete to contain him.

In his irritation, he forgot all about Remus waiting for him with mysterious news in the boy's bathroom. If he'd had remembered, everything might have gone differently.

* * *

Lily was buttering a piece of toast when the screams started. She had half a second where the toast stayed midair in hand, hovering, her stomach rumbling and begging for a piece of starchy buttered joy to enter her mouth when Sirius Black fell into the Great Hall and onto the floor, wild-eyed, wearing leather pants and his Gryffindor tie and nothing else, his hair sticking up in all directions like he was impersonating Granger for fun.

Lily tried not to stare, she really did, but even she had her limits, and Black was half naked and covered in what appeared to be oil, every ounce of lean pale muscle on gleaming display, and she dropped her toast with no one noticing aside from her poor rumbling stomach.

"Dear Godric," Helena said weakly, picking up her goblet of iced pumpkin juice and holding it to her forehead.

"Wow," Sarah said, clutching the edges of the table to steady herself.

Black tried to get up but he wasn't wearing shoes and even his feet appeared to have been oiled so he fell over again, his ab muscles fluttering.

"Oh my GOD," Cassiopeia said from down the table, fanning herself frantically with her transfiguration textbook.

"Someone catch Amelia," Lily said faintly as out of the corner of her eye she saw Mary MacDonald, sixth year Gryffindor slump to the table.

"You do it," Helena mumbled, unable to look away as Lily found herself also unable to look away.

Her toast was growing cold.

Sarah made a half-hearted motion to their friend who was whimpering but it was too late and Amelia slid to the ground from the bench in a heap of pleated skirt.

Lily realized her mouth was hanging open, and she also realized that she found Sirius Black arrogant and loathsome and his hair looked ridiculous, but she was also a seventeen year old girl and seventeen year old girls had hormones.

"Oh, come on!" James Potter howled from down the table to her left, "Evans, not you too!"

At that, Lily tried to tear her eyes away from the spectacle, but considering McGonagall hadn't even moved, who could blame her? She was only human!

Black finally regained his footing as the girls and some boys all over the hall swooned. Geraldine Gudgeon at the Hufflepuff table appeared to be in desperate need of an exorcist.

"Where did he even get leather pants from?" Lily asked faintly.

Victoria Arnold whimpered through the hand over her mouth.

A second boy barreled through the entryway, also shirtless and covered in oil, also only wearing a Gryffindor tie and pants, but his at least were normal uniform pants, if a little well worn.

"Wow who knew Lupin was so fit!" Cassiopeia Fawcett said loudly before clapping her hand over her own mouth and looking around guiltily, but none of the Gryffindor girls laughed at her. They had, after all, been thinking the exact same thing.

"Remus too!" Potter said nonsensically, "really, Evans!" the despair was evident to all in a fifty foot radius.

A third boy shot like a cannon through the door, also shirtless but wearing a green and silver tie, also covered in inexplicable oil, but he, at least, had had the sense to grab a tapestry off the wall and wrap it around himself like a toga.

As everyone in the Great Hall watched in a useless frozen stupor, Regulus Black launched himself at his brother and they fell over in an oily pile. The tapestry toga was ripped away by Sirius.

Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw James Potter and Peter Pettigrew stand up, shrug at each other, then sit back down, shoveling more eggs in their mouths. In truth, it really wasn't the strangest thing the school had seen Sirius Black engage in.

Remus Lupin took a wiry muscled arm to each brother and dragged them apart.

"You're engaged!" They all heard Regulus Black howl, as he frantically tried to grab the tapestry from the floor. He was rather scrawnier then the other boys, but just as blindingly white.

McGonagall was finally making her way over, shouting, Slughorn making to get up to follow her before deciding his danish was more important, chuckling. If Lily knew Sluggy at all, he was giggling about boys being boys.

"Why are they shirtless?" Helena demanded.

'Who cares," thirteen Gryffindor girls responded in unison.

"What is Black wearing?" Helena asked Lily.

"Er, leather pants," Lily said, forcing herself to glance away for a second and pick up her toast. She was Head Girl. She didn't even like Black as a human. She had _dignity._

"Took you long enough," James Potter said and Lily pretended she didn't know this was directed at her. In fact, who was Potter to tell her where to look or not? Lily deliberately stuck out her tongue, licking the butter off her toast while staring at Sirius Black.

"Oh, come on!" Potter wailed.

"Why are they covered in oil?" Helena asked.

"Look, Boonworthy, no one cares, Victoria Arnold snapped, "just enjoy it and stop being so uptight for once."

"But the ties?" Helena asked, "does that make sense to anyone-"

"Strippers," Lily murmured, but luckily no one was close enough to hear her aside from the swooning Mary and Amelia. Not that her classmates would even know what strippers were.

McGonagall dragged the boys apart, Regulus had re-wrapped himself in the tapestry, Remus had fled, and Sirius was slouching his way over to the Gryffindor table, still shirtless and oily and without shoes, and clad in a tie and leather pants.

Twenty Ravenclaw girls swooned to the floor as he stalked past, little streaks of oil following him. Amelia made a weird gargling noise from the floor.

"Move over Evans, move over," Victoria said frantically, smoothing her hair, like Sirius Black was going to sit with her instead of his mates.

"Mr. Black!" McGonagall howled after his back, "put on some clothes and wash off that oil!"

"In that order?" Black said without looking back.

He was scowling. The scowl said everyone should give Sirius Black a hundred foot berth for the rest of the day. Perhaps the rest of the week. Everyone in Gryffindor recoiled, recognizing it, even the girls who had previously been fluttering their eyelashes or picking their dropped jaws off the table. All of the girls, of course, except one.

"You," Sirius snarled at Hermione Granger, who had just shoved an entire piece of bacon in her mouth, her back turned to the rest of the Great Hall, who, Lily suspected, had not watched one second of the madness that had just happened in the rest of the hall.

"Mr. Black!" McGonagall shouted again, but she was distracted by a Slytherin ripping off Regulus Black's tapestry toga and causing a fistfight between Godfried Rosier and Heath Mulcibur of all people.

Lily accidentally made eye contact with Sev as Rosier's fist hit Mulcibur's face and McGonagall shouted and she hastily looked away.

She never wanted to look at Sev again.

"Oi!" Sirius said, walking faster, almost slipping from the oil coming from his own body and righting himself, looking even more murderous, "I said, you! Granger!"

Hermione Granger, who had just taken that moment to shove a third slice of bacon in her mouth, cheeks bulging like a hamster, flipped a page in her book without unconcern, feigning as she often did around Black, deafness.

"Oh no," Sarah sighed, "poor Granger."

"Poor Granger my foot," Cassiopeia snapped, "don't you know what this is about?"

And all at once, Lily did. _She_ certainly hadn't told anyone about the weird incident with Regulus Black and Hermione Granger that involved them going into an empty classroom midday after a crude sexual proposition by the Slytherin boy, but that didn't mean no one _else _knew.

"I'm talking to you!" Black shouted. Lily had never seen him this angry, even the time he'd gotten into it with Sev. And the other time he'd gotten into it with Sev. And the other, other time-

In the background, half of the Slytherin upper-class boys were fighting while the other half cheered. Regulus's tapestry had been confiscated by McGonagall, and Slughorn had finally made his way over to wag his finger and chuckle some more.

Granger mumbled something around the bacon.

"Ew," Victoria said, "what's her problem?"

"Many things," Helena said. The girl was actually more unpopular then Sev, and that was saying something.

"What?" Black snarled, "what was that?"

He'd reached the table, smacking his hands down on the surface, knocking over a plate of toast onto the empty bench next to Granger.

"Sirius, mate," Potter said cautiously.

Pettigrew was watching avidly, his mouth open.

Lily realized her own mouth had popped open again and closed it with difficulty. Sirius Black was shirtless, shoe-less, clad in leather pants and oil and a Gryffindor tie, and looming into the face of the new girl, who was eating bacon like her life depended on it. On one hand, it was a spectacle. On the other, it was just another day of being a classmate of Black, Potter, Lupin, and Pettigrew.

Granger gave an enormous swallow.

"I said," she sniffed, "that you aren't _talking _to me. You're shouting. I don't respond to shouting. At least not from you."

"Oh yeah?' Black said, riled, his arm muscles glimmering in the sunlight coming in from the ceiling of the Great Hall.

Lily tore her eyes away with some effort, unwittingly made eye contact with Potter this time, who shook his head at her in disappointment, and tried to force herself to pay attention to her breakfast again. She had self-respect, goddammit!  
"Shouldn't you do something, Lily?" Sarah said, "as Head Girl?"

"Er," Lily said, feeling a stab of guilt.

Should she? Potter was far closer after all, and he was Head Boy, and Black's friend, and technically, Black and Granger were just talking, weren't they? Was there a rule against snarky conversations?

"So who do you deign to listen to shouting from?" Black said, sarcastic.

"Someone a lot better then you," Granger said shortly. The conversation seemed to be riling her up as much as it was Black.

"Yeah?" Black sneered, "and who do you consider to be better than me? My racist brother? He's not particularly fond of Muggleborns, you know."

Granger opened her mouth, looked up, saw that everyone was avidly watching them, and shut her mouth with a grimace.

"Well?" Sirius demanded, "you'll listen to Reg shout at you? Is that it? He's toying with you, you know."

He was looming so close to Granger's face that if she turned her head they'd be kissing. Lily started to rise, saw Potter shake his head at her, this time as a clear sign for her to not get involved, and sat back down, confused.

"Please go away," Granger said politely, "you're dripping oil on me."

"Yeah?" Black snarled, "would it bother you if it were precious Reg-"

He reached out his hand to Granger's wild curls and this time Lily stood up, alarmed, when Sami Greengrass popped up out of nowhere, grabbed Black's hand in her own, and wedged herself between him and Granger.

In the background, even Dumbledore had waded into the Slytherin brawl. Half of the boys had lost their shirts in the melee, but retained their ties. It was a mark to how attractive Sirius Black was that as many people were paying attention to him when the Slytherin madness was going on at the same time.

"Sirius," Sami said sweetly, "I brought you a jumper," she held out a grey jumper at her alleged fiance. The scandal that had rocked the school when their engagement had been announced had only built steam as the weeks went by. The madness of the most popular boy, a boy who was known to be rebellious, modern in his sensibilities for a pure-blood, and disowned getting engaged to a pure-blood girl with very traditional sensibilities had granted Hermione Granger a respite from almost anyone give a damn about her and her oddness.

In fact, she'd been left alone to eat in peace, to mumble over her books alone in the library, to disappear at night with barely a murmur of gossip. Lily, for all of her issues with the girl being surly and rude, had had no intention of blowing up Granger's relative peace by revealing her weird dalliance with Regulus Black, and therefore, the ire of the heartbroken girls of Hogwarts had directly squarely at Sami Greengrass. The problem with Sami was that as rich as she was, as Slytherin as she was, she was well liked, kind, and popular, and it was hard for anyone sensible to stay mad at her.

Black drew back, blinking, seeming to coming back to himself. Granger picked up another piece of bacon and crunched on, unconcerned, but Lily was watching closely and saw the slight shake of her hand as she lifted the bacon.

"A jumper," Black said blankly.

Sami laughed nervously, the only girl besides Granger within a hundred foot radius who wasn't staring purposefully or against her will at Sirius Black's bare oily chest.

In one short interaction Sami had deftly defused the situation. As much as she wasn't fond of Black, Lily thought, his engagement to Sami Greengrass was the smartest thing he'd ever done. He'd been acting far more charming and calm as of late, for one. Of course, Granger, instead of thanking her lucky stars at her escape, stuck her foot in it at once.

"You look like a stripper," Granger said shortly as she turned another page, "put on some clothes or else start accepting galleons in your g-string."

"What?" Victoria said loudly, as most of the people within hearing looked puzzled, but the ten or so Muggle-borns nearby started laughing.

Lily bit her tongue so she wouldn't join in. She was Head Girl, dammit! At least Granger had struck with an insult Black wouldn't understand, that should mitigate the damage.

What she forgot, of course, was that Sirius Black was more than familiar with Muggle culture. He was, in fact, something of an expert, perhaps as a perverse way to enrage his parents.

There was a brief moment where Sami looked confused and Sirius Black's contorted in a way no human's face should contort. When she reflected on it later, Lily thought that it was as if a rage filled demon had possessed Black and just for a moment, his jovial personality had fought back and tried to grin and jest, only to be beaten into submission. He opened his mouth, sure to unleash some venom.

"Sirius," Sami said again, "I said, I've brought you a jumper."

Black's face contorted back, the demon gone.

"Thank you, my sweetest apple dumpling," he said with a grin, pulling on the jumper over his oiled chest and tie, still barefoot, as nearby half the girls sighed in disappointment at him putting on clothes and the other half sighed with the romance of his comment.

Granger rolled her eyes, turning a page in her book about the history of house elves. Black's eyes narrowed.

"Come sit down and eat some breakfast," Sami said soothingly, grabbing his hand and trying to drag Sirius toward his friends.

"What a lovely idea, beloved light of my life," Sirius said, eyes still narrowed on Granger's reaction, who grimaced at her book like it had committed a personal offense against her.

"Yes go on, toaster strudel," Granger mumbled under her breath, or so she had thought.

Lily glanced around at the rapt other Gryffindors, wondering if anyone else noticed how Black and Granger were both determined to antagonize each other to death yet also completely unwilling to let the other out of the orbit without the last word.

"What?" Black said, "what was that?"

"Nothing," Granger said, "nothing, you burning hunk of-"

"What's a toaster strudel?" Black demanded.

Granger stared intently at her book, but Lily noticed the way her eyes shifted just the slightest bit, the way she paused carefully but talking.

"No idea," Granger said, "I was just joining in with your shenanigans, pumpkin pecan donut."

But that wasn't true, and Lily knew that Sirius Black knew the truth of that as well. He stared at Granger for a moment and then smiled, his eyes looking the same way they did right when he was about to torment Sev in some especially dastardly way. But instead of hexing Granger so she sang everything she said or lost all of her hair or smelled like an aardvark, Sirius Black turned away and walked away with his arm over Sami Greengrass's shoulder. Perhaps it relieved Granger. Perhaps she hadn't even noticed. But Lily knew it spelled worse trouble then if Black had just charmed glittery pink tattoos all over Granger's face.

The girl in question ate her bacon, reading about house elves, oblivious.

* * *

"Thanks for lending me these robes," Sirius said to Sami who was wearing very expensive yet tasteful robes of her own in light green.

Her hair was styled to perfection, a string of pearls around her neck, her makeup flawless yet understated. It made Sirius want to vomit.

"It's not a loan," Sami said, smiling at him from under her lashes. She'd insisted on clinging to his arm as usual. That made him feel like vomiting as well.

"Ah well, I'll buy them off of you," Sirius said, trying for a charming grin as they walked down the corridor to Dumbledore's office. "your brothers, are they?'

Sami, as sweet as she was compared to most Slytherin harpies, was still after all, a pure-blood Slytherin, and made a face.

"Of course not. You think I'd let you wear used robes?' Sami said.

"Oh, heaven for-fend," Sirius said sarcastically.

Unbidden, he pictured Granger walking next to him on this death march to Dumbledore's office to see the hag. She wouldn't be holding his arm like a leech, for one. If he even offered his arm to her she'd probably make some snappy comment about her legs working fine. Sirius would agree, ogle her, and maybe get slapped. She'd be wearing robes that were faded and stretched out, her skirt longer then it needed to be and kind of askew, a giant bulging bag of books, her hair frizzing in a terrible poof everywhere. There would be ink on her fingers, perhaps on her face from where she'd rubbed it. His mother would HATE Granger. In fact, he'd get disowned twice, if the old bag didn't have a heart attack and die first.

"What are you grinning about?" Sami demanded. "I can't have you wearing used robes, can I? I'm a Greengrass. I ordered them custom from Madam-"

"You do know we are not actually engaged, right?" Sirius said, his eyebrows raised, "you didn't forget that part, did you?'

"Of course not," Sami said stiffly, "I'm doing you a huge favor."

"Not quite a favor," Sirius reminded her, "you're getting something out of it too, aren't you?"

"Yes," Sami said, her face red.

He badly wanted to tease her but Sami, Slytherin that she was, was still no Granger or Evans or Bletchley and he might actually succeed in driving her away. That would be fine with him, of course, if he didn't need her services quite desperately for the next few hours.

They made their way to the gryffins guarding the entrance to Dumbledore's office, a spot Sirius had visited with some frequency when McGonagall was particularly fed up with his and James's antics, but a place he'd wondered if Sami Greengrass's perfectly behaved self had ever ventured.

"Mars Bars," Sirius said to the statues, who sprang apart. "Guess he's in a bit of a chocolate phase," Sirius said to Sami who looked blank.

Granger would've gotten it. Then he became angry. Why was he even thinking about Granger? She looked like a little grey mouse that had gotten electrocuted and on top of that was a lying conniving little bitch. There was no reason to think about her. It was possible she was tonguing Reg for petty revenge at this very moment.

"You alright Sirius?" Sami asked him as they spun upward.

"Fine," Sirius said, tugging on his stiff collar.

It was October in Scotland. It was freezing outside, and here he was sweating like a pig. He hated pure-blood robes.

"You looked really angry," Sami persisted, "I should know what about, if we're going to fool your-"

"Fine, I was thinking about my puss boil of a brother snogging Granger," Sirius said irritably, "happy?"

Dumbledore's office door came into view.

"Now Sirius," Sami chided, "you know Regulus was just lying to make you angry, don't you?"

"And so was Rosalie – you know what?" Sirius said, thinking of how Remus had tried to warn him in private and he'd ignored him like he often did. Maybe he should take Remus more seriously. "Forget it. I don't care."

"That's good," Sami said, "I can't be engaged to a bloke who is obsessed with Hermione Granger."

Sirius opened his mouth, he didn't know to say what, maybe to protest that he wasn't obsessed with Granger, maybe to remind Sami for the four millionth time that they weren't actually engaged since she seemed to be so confused about that fact, he didn't know, but she'd already reached her hand out and knocked. Showtime.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you all for your reviews and concern! I am currently doing fine. I hope you all are well too. This last scene was ridiculous I know but it made me giggle and I write mainly to entertain myself. ;)


	10. Tea with the Hag Beast

**Chapter Ten: Tea with the Hag Beast**

"Mother!" Sirius said, spreading his arms in the most likely six hundred galleons robes wide, "what a delight!"

Sami, who'd emerged from the fireplace in the drawing room in the house of horrors before him, was actually _curtsying_ to the wildebeest, who was wearing her most ridiculous velvet green robes, a tower of emeralds in her precariously perched hair, her eyes not even on the only daughter of Mortmon Greengrass but on her blood traitor son, her favorite punching bag, if only Walburga Black knew what a punching bag was.

It was a testament to how much the hag must've been looking forward to watching Sirius try to crawl his way back that she'd even temporarily lifted the restrictions in place on number 12 to allow Sami in. He'd thought Dumbledore would take more convincing to let Sirius and Sami travel through his fireplace's floo network to the hag but the headmaster had been surprisingly amenable to "making amends" or whatever nonsense he was chalking Sirius's behavior up to. Or maybe Dumbledore was a professional prankster hidden in the body of a two-hundred year old man addicted to sweets. Sirius had had his suspicions before.

"Son," Mr. Black said stiffly.

Neither of his parents made a movement to embrace him and Sirius kept his arms up to prolong the awkwardness. He'd gotten his way and gained access into the house of nightmares. He didn't actually need to play overly nice for long.

Sami curtseyed again to his father, and Sirius swallowed vomit and then dropped his arms, still forcing the grin that he knew enraged his parents. The Black family didn't do anything as plebian as large smiles. Tiny, reserved smiles of superiority at most. It was why Reg had had such trouble attempting the foreign maneuver on Granger. Well. He supposed it was good for avoiding wrinkles.

"Father!"

Sirius grinned, as out of the corner of his eye he saw his mother extend an ancient evil hand for Sami to prostrate herself over. He forced a hug on his father's stiff body, the scratchiest of pureblood robes meeting the second scratchiest. As uptight as the old bastard looked Sirius had still heard the "son" that had greeted his presence, instead of "demon spawn" like he'd been expecting. Who knew it would be so easy to get back in his parent's good graces? All it took was one groveling letter and one impeccable fake fiancé. And of course, the incoming pain. Lots and lots of pain.

"What an unexpected surprise," Orion Black said even more stiffly as Sirius extended the one sided hug to even more awkward lengths.

He just couldn't help himself! It had been so long since he'd gotten a taste of one of his favorite pastimes, tormenting his horrid parents. One boy could only live on the visual of Orion Black, famously stuck up scion of the Black Family tussling with Lily Evan's Muggle father for so long before craving some fresh torment to savor.

"Is it?" Sirius said, finally letting go of his father, "I thought I'd written and gotten a reply, saying that I should arrive with Sami at this very-"

"Don't sass me," His father said in an undertone that would have undoubtedly been a shout if Sami hadn't been present, fawning over the hag who was smirking like she'd been elected Minister of Magic.

"Yes sir," Sirius said a little louder than necessary, "I wouldn't dare dream-"

"Listen to me, boy," His father said, even quieter, "I would've never invited you back, engagement be damned, if it hadn't broken your mother's heart to disown you in the first place. So you'll behave yourself, or so help me-"

"Sirius," his mother cut in imperiously, as his father's angry whisper stopped, "greet your mother."

Sirius turned to the hag, desperately wanting to say that he thought he already had and she'd ignored his outstretched arms but stopped himself with a painful smile. His father's hand was still on his arm, gripping so tightly he knew he'd have bruises circling his bicep. It wouldn't be the first time. But he'd make sure it was the last. Her hand was outstretched, covered in jewels and the Black female family ring that was monstrous and gaudy. He'd been told ever since he could remember that this ugly behemoth would one day belong to his wife. Sirius paused. He thought he could do it. He needed to know why Granger had his family's tomes on dark magic. He needed to know why she had robes with James's name on them ripped and covered in blood hidden in a random tree on the grounds. He needed to know why she had Mudblood carved on her arm. He needed to know why she refused to brush her hair.

The blood flow to his arm was getting cut off by his father's hand. The old man had to be sixty and yet his grip was still like iron.

Sami smiled nervously. Well, if Sami could do it…

Sirius bent and pressed a fleeting kiss to the hag's shriveled claw.

"What a delight to see you both," Sirius lied.

"It's good to see you, my son," the hag said, her voice trembling with emotion.

For the tiniest second, even knowing the beast as he did, Sirius felt confused.

"Aren't you glad you came to your senses?" The harpy added as he straightened up. Her small patrician smile had exploded into a gloat, quite low class of her, but there it was. "Aren't you glad you listened to your mother?'

Sirius's face twitched.

"Your mother always knows best," his terrible, absent, abusive father said.

"Oh, always," Sirius said, unable to keep a hint of sarcasm out of his voice.

"Don't you have something else to say, Sirius?" his mother added, the gloat grotesque.

"You look luminous as always," he ventured. Now that the moment had come, this all seemed like the worst idea he'd ever had. He couldn't bring himself to do it.

"And?" his mother said, "come come, Sirius. You can't expect me to put aside Regulus, my _loyal_ son, for a simple, 'you look luminous mother.'"

His face twitched more. The hag, of course, noticed and got visible joy from it.

"I don't expect you to put Reg second," Sirius said finally, "he should remain your heir."

"Oh, should he?' the hag said. "That's not how it works in pureblood families. The eldest always inherits. Perhaps you've been living at the Potters too long to remember."

"The Potters are pureblood," Sirius said mutinously.

"Officially," the hag sniffed, "so they say. But they're barely better than those Weasleys."

"Barely," Orion nodded.

"But I suppose they, at least, don't breed like rabbits," the hag tittered.

Sami's eyes widened before she carefully schooled her facial expression into one of a docile pureblood damsel as expected. He'd warned her, hadn't he? Obviously she hadn't believed him, but hadn't someone else warned Sami? The Black family wife was not exactly a prize most girls would want if they met his beastly parents but then again, most pureblood matriarchs were almost as monstrous as the hag. Perhaps it was the years of inbreeding. Perhaps it was marrying a man who cheated on you, and living your life without real friends, just back-stabbing rivals.

"I have no intention of usurping Reg's-" Sirius attempted again.

"You're the eldest," Orion said flatly, "you're the heir, if we accept your apology. Which, by the way, we have not heard."

And you will hear over my dead and rotting body, would be what Sirius would've said even one month ago, but then Hermione Granger had gone and ruined his life.

"My mistake," he forced out, "and my shame."

Sami nodded at him encouragingly. They'd roleplayed this very same scenario. It had taken thirty-two tries before Sirius had been able to even fake it. In another world, one in which Sirius was just as gutless and stupid as Reg, he'd perhaps actually marry Sami Greengrass. At least she wasn't a total wet rag or harpy like every other pureblood girl he knew.

Sirius cleared his throat. There was only one way to overcome his pride and do the thing justice. _Theatrics._

He flung himself onto one knee, like he'd allegedly done to Sami.

"My _deepest_ shame," he said loudly, voice constricted with fake tears, "that has kept me awake many a night, prostrated with guilt and...and disgust for my foolish actions, for throwing away the most noble family a boy could ever have, the most perfect of mothers, the most manly of fathers, the—" he saw Kreacher out of the corner of his eye with a plate of biscuits and a frankly disbelieving look in his giant drooping eyes, "-the most servile of house elves, the most noble of blood-lines, the most ancient of heritages, and then casting it away due to—to um...horrible influences like er—my classmates and education and-arrogance. Now I can only ask you to forgive me for this torment I've inflicted upon you. I can only hope, that though I do not deserve it, I will in time, with my actions, earn it."

There was a ringing silence. Sami had told him his plans had been over the top. Knowing the arrogance of his parents, he thought perhaps they were _under_ the top.

"In time, perhaps," the hag said, her face unbearable to witness in its triumph.

"Perhaps," his gutless father echoed.

Unbidden, Sirius wondered if Orion Black had finally stopped cheating on his wife in his advanced age. He'd become increasingly subservient over the years, but you never could keep an old horny bastard down for long.

Sami's smile was becoming rather fixed in place.

"We shall see," Walburga said, and Sirius took this as his cue to rise to his feet. It was going to be a long day.

* * *

The seventeen year-old version of James Potter was perhaps the most insufferable of all versions. Sure this version wasn't constantly ruffling his hair or lowering his voice to unnatural blue whale decibels to speak to her, sure he hadn't tried singing at her or reciting poetry to her this year, and he hadn't actively tormented Snape in quite a while.

But all that meant was that Lily noticed that James Potter was prone to helping out younger students in need. That he had no problem squaring his shoulders and wading into groups of large boys shouting at each other. That he was funny when he wasn't being so arrogant and crude. That he had gotten rather tall and his face looked nicer from filling out a bit and his smile was charming. Lily didn't want to notice any of those things. Ever. James Potter was an arrogant little prat, always had been, and always would be. She thought Potter was scrawny and in love with himself, that he was a bully and stupid, and she wouldn't change her mind. Ever. _Ever!_

"Is Black really engaged to Greengrass?" Lily heard herself blurt in desperation. She had to stop this train of thought on the tracks.

Potter's eyes drifted to a nearby tapestry of goblins swimming in an icy lake as they walked up the third floor hidden staircase.

"He's introducing her to his parents right now, isn't he?" he said.

Lily's eyes narrowed.

"Is he?" she asked, "I thought he hated his parents. Isn't he disowned?"

"Oh, uh huh," Potter said, "he's um...regretful about that. He's working on fixing his relationship with them. Sami is...helping."

"That all sounds like a load of bollocks to me," Lily said bluntly, "I saw Black at breakfast the other day."

"I noticed," Potter mumbled, and Lily ignored him.

"If he isn't still obsessed with Granger I'll eat my tie."

"Well cover it in some gravy," Potter said, "because-"

"Potter, come on," Lily snorted, "Black composed a poem in Muggle Studies last year about his disownment and titled it "_Free At Last, One Boy's Escape From a Hag Beast_" and recited it in class. Everyone talked about it for a month. Remember?"

"Nope," Potter lied, "I don't remember-"

Lily's eyebrows were up in her hairline, and Potter trailed off, than grinned.

"Nothing gets by you, eh Evans?" he said.

"I'm insulted you were even trying," Lily said.

There was some heat on her neck, and she didn't know why. She certainly hadn't just noticed that Potter's smile was charming. She'd spent almost seven solid years finding him repulsive and lacking an ounce of charm. That would never change.

They made their way around the fourth floor corridor. It was barely seven at night, so most snogging couples wouldn't be hiding in the crevices quite yet.

"I can't tell you what he's up to," Potter said, "can't betray my brother like that."

"Your brother?" Lily said, as they passed a group of fourth year Slytherins who scurried away from them with some haste. James Potter was reviled by the older Slytherins, but the younger ones reviled _and _feared him. Lily remembered all the pranks he'd pulled on Slytherin over the years and suddenly Potter's smile was unappealing to her again. Thank the heavens.

"Yeah," Potter said, "brother's code, you understand Evans."

"But he's not actually engaged, right?" she pressed.

The more shady details of his and his friends lives Potter told her the more the tiny little disturbing spark inside of her was strangled to death. She was so preoccupied in focusing on her lack of attraction to James Potter and he was so focused on flirting with her that neither of them noticed the enormous disaster that was coming their way.

"Ask me no questions sand I'll tell you no lies," Potter said maddeningly.

"Yeah, sure," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "You're such a -"

Simultaneously, they stepped in the pool of magicked oil on the floor of the hallway, neither of them looking round at their surroundings but instead at each other as they bickered, and simultaneously, the Head Boy and the Head Girl slipped, grabbed at each other on instinct, and fell over painfully in a pile of ooze, James on top of Lily, flailing, his elbow in her face and her elbow in his stomach, their knees knocking together, Lily's head banging hard on the stone floor. The last thing she knew as her vision swam and then faded, was laughter.

* * *

It should've all been so easy, according to James at least. Give the hag a gloriously over the top fake apology. Eat a few bites of Kreacher's food, which, to be fair, had always been good, as the hag gloated and Sami was charming. Run away to use the loo within minutes, sneaking into the library to find the books, see that they were missing, make an excuse to leave, and flee with Sami, perhaps flipping two fingers to his parents over his shoulder as they escaped to freedom, full of the knowledge that Granger was a devious liar and needed to be stopped from whatever evil thing she was doing. Sure she had entertained him at first. Perhaps more then what was normal. But that had all changed when he'd seen that robe. Remus insisted that there was no proof that the robe had anything to do with James. James had insisted that he never embroidered his robes with his name, especially not in gold, and so they couldn't be his. But those robes had been ripped. They had had blood on them. The blood was the same type as James. Sirius had insisted on checking. And they had said Potter. That was all Sirius needed to know.

His plan, of course, had been foiled immediately. Instead of sitting down to eat, the hag had dragged Sami over to the tapestry, showing him the ancient Black family history. Then Sami had gotten a tour of the house of tormented souls, all except for the top floor with his and Reg's bedrooms. The inner idiot inside of Sirius had gotten the urge to show Sami his room. Either it would be covered in barely clad Muggle girls still, which would scandalize her, or his parents had taken fire to the walls to erase all evidence of him existing, which would also scandalize her. Either way, the hag would lose. It was most likely why the beast had ignored Sirius's attempts to steer them in that direction.

Sirius had faked a need to use the loo, and he'd come out after a few moments only to see his father leering at Sami's cleavage while the hag stared straight into his eyes, a peculiar little grin on her mouth. Could she know?

That, of course, meant faking a need to use the loo a second time would have to wait. Far be it for Sirius to care about getting a stomach illness in front of a pureblood girl or not, but he couldn't possibly expect the hag not to get suspicious and send Kreacher after him or worse, herself.

So he'd had to endure three courses of fine dining with impeccable pureblood manners for all, small talk with thinly veiled insults from the beast, and two hours of excruciating plans for his future that Sirius had no interest in ever actually doing.

"And then of course, you can wear the Black family jewels for the ceremony," Walburga was saying to Sami as they both delicately ate nothing of the third course. Orion had taken three bites. Sirius had eaten every bite, only stopping himself from being deliberately obnoxious with his table manners so as to keep the beast docile. Well, as docile as she could ever be.

"Oh, I think mother would want me to wear the Greengrass or Abbott family jewels," Sami said sweetly, "but of course, what an honor for you to even offer, Mrs. Black," she said when Walburga's eyes narrowed.

Sirius's eyes darted to the hag. He had been bored to tears for ages. Maybe something interesting was about to finally happen. He knew the hag would find it insulting that any other family jewels would be considered over the Black family jewels. Nothing to her was higher than being a member of the Black family. Nothing.

"Call me mother," Walburga said after a pause that was long enough to make Sami's perfectly bred stoicism waver.

Sirius choked on his wine. He'd wanted to only drink water to keep his head straight for his nefarious deeds later but of course, anything odd was enough to set off the hag's rage and suspicion so he'd forced himself to drink wine in sips at first. The sips had since turned into long swallows as the torment went on. It had been handy during the forty minute discussion on Sami's bridal robes. The fact that Sami had apparently thought about her bridal robes enough to have a forty minute discussion was alarming enough, but add on to that two women discussing the most fashionable and modest stiches on a robe was enough to make even Orion's eyes glaze over.

"Thank you, mother," Sami said smoothly, "perhaps I could wear the jewels during the reception? To show how I've become a Black?"

Walburga smiled, and Orion nodded, taking a sip of his brandy while Sirius threw caution to the wind and gulped down half his glass of wine in one swallow. Someone save him. Anyone. Anything. He'd even welcome a Snivellus intrusion at this point.

"What a wonderful idea," Orion said like the sycophant he'd become, "there really is no comparison to the Black family jewels. It will show how you've upgraded your station in life nicely."

Sirius threw back the rest of the wine so he wouldn't make a crude comment about the Black family men's jewels while Sami maintained her placid smile. Thank god he didn't actually want to marry the poor girl or he'd be humiliated right now.

"Mother," Sirius said, inspiration striking, "perhaps I could show Sami the jewels now? To er….get her excited?"

Sami's eyes widened.

"Excited about the wedding," Sirius added hastily.

If James had been here that moment wouldn't have passed by without comment. In fact, he could hear Granger's snide aside about Sami getting excited about the Black family jewels in his mind right now.

"She isn't already excited?" Walburga said, turning to look at Sami.

"No, I am! Very," Sami said hastily, "I'm so, so excited to marry Sirius-"

Granger's unbearably smug expression was all Sirius could see. He pinched himself in the leg under the table to get his rapidly fuzzy brain under control.

"So so excited," he still saw Granger whimpering with an eye-roll, "so excited to get her hands on the shriveled Black family jewels, poor girl."

Sirius bit his tongue so he wouldn't laugh. But then he thought about Granger getting her hands on the other set of Black family jewels in a dark classroom late at night and he scowled.

"Not now, Sirius," his mother said sharply, "not during dinner, what is the matter with your manners? Euphemia Potter might have no decorum but-"

"Sorry mother," Sirius said loudly, "what was I thinking? I'll personally show her the family jewels after dinner."

He pinched his leg so he didn't laugh at how embarrassed Sami looked. Well, if the daft girl actually had been harboring illusions of marrying him and into the Black family house of headless house elves, it should've been driven out of her by now.

Another two courses passed while Sirius continued to stuff his face and drink. The more he consumed, the more likely it would be that he needed to relieve himself later, right? It was either that or listen intently to the one hour discussion of floral arrangements and hairstyles that Sami and his mother were boring them to tears with.

When finally enough time and beverages had passed to give Sirius plausible cover, he made his move, his mother waving him off with a hand as the two women discussed the cake while Orion steadily drank to hide his boredom. Walburga was insistent that no one made a better dessert then Kreacher, and Sami was delicately trying to intimate that she had had her heart set on a particular French patisserie from the richest part of Paris. Walburga was getting riled up enough at the insult on Kreacher and her own taste levels that she barely noticed that Sirius was leaving the room for the loo.

He hastened upstairs, jumping over steps two at a time like a cat, glad for once that he wasn't wearing his usual clunky boots and was instead wearing some pureblood male monstrosities that were made of satin and had a twee little diamond buckle like he was a reject from 1703. If Granger wasn't potentially on a quest to murder James he would've delighted in showing them to her. He was sure her insulting comments on them would be witty and cutting, and he'd have a new way to insult pureblood shoes for years to come. But alas, Granger was possibly a minion of Voldemort and instead he'd have to content himself with putting her away in Azkaban.

He tore into the library, made a beeline to the section that he knew contained his father's darkest books, preparing himself for a thorough search that he'd have to somehow complete in ten minutes or less so his family wouldn't get suspicious and Sami couldn't distract them properly, knowing that he'd have to search every crevice just to be sure, _absolutely sure_ that the books were gone. He'd already rolled up his sleeves and drawn his wand, ready to do the first of a summoning spell, when he stopped dead, wand posed upright, eyes bulging.

_Darkest Magycks of the Universe _was exactly where it should be. It was right next to three other volumes Sirius had known he'd seen in Granger's bag. The Black family crest, when he pulled out the book in disbelief, shone from the cover, just like the book in Granger's bag had. It was a large silver crest embossed right on the spine and on the cover. It was impossible to mistake for any other crest.

"No," Sirius said aloud, forcefully ripping the book open, staring in disbelief at the inscription made some fifty years before from Aunt Elladora to her beloved nephew Cygnus. "_Revelio_," he said in desperation. Nothing happened. "_Ostende_," he tried again, but that revealed nothing either.

He threw the book on the floor in frustration, picking up _World Domination for Purebloods_, a book he'd spotted Granger reading in the library when he'd been peering at her between the stacks not at all like a creepy stalker or like James, same thing.

The smug writing of Phineas Nigellus was visible. Sirius hadn't even known writing could be smug until he'd seen the old headmaster's writing. The book wasn't blank. His charms had revealed no spells had been cast upon it. The crests were genuine silver. Sirius stared in dismay. He pulled out the list from his pocket of all the Black family books on rare and dark magic he'd seen on Granger and checked in disbelief against what he saw with his own eyes.

"_Exemplum Revelare_!" Sirius said, casting the copy reveal spell, but that showed nothing at all. "Of course, _she _could have the copies," Sirius muttered to himself, fully realizing he was straying dangerously close to becoming James muttering to a ball of unformed clay.

The crushing sense of dread he'd felt lifted immediately. Of course. What had he been worried about? She'd copied the Black family books somehow, and she'd smartly left the originals. How she had gotten into to the Black family haunted mansion, particularly when she was a Muggleborn he brushed away.

Perhaps Bella _had_ done it. Sure Reg had said he hadn't seen in Bellatrix in years, but that didn't mean his parents hadn't seen her. Or perhaps Bellatrix had gotten Granger into the house due to an introduction. But that didn't make sense either. If that was true, why had the banshee sent Reg a howler when she'd heard that he had been fraternizing with Granger?

Unknown to him, Sirius's hands clenched on the book he was holding until his knuckles turned white as he thought about Reg "fraternizing" with Granger.

Unless...unless they were all in on it? Reg and Granger and Bellatrix and his dear old mum? But if they were, what were they up to? And what did it have to do with James?

"Sirius," his father snapped suddenly from his left shoulder and his jumped, scattering the books, "this doesn't look like the loo, does it?"

"Hello father," Sirius said gamely, "I was just looking for books on wedding etiquette for mother and Sami to enjoy."

"Wedding etiquette in _Darkest__ Magycks of the Universe?" _Orion said with heavy sarcasm.

"Well, it is a Slytherin wedding," Sirius said, trying for a winning smile. He didn't know why. His winning smiles had absolutely never worked on his family.

"Put that back," Orion said, "and go entertain your mother. I don't even want to know what you're up to, boy, but you better not break her heart again."

Sirius opened his mouth to reflexively say his mother had no heart when he saw the look in his father's eye and shut his mouth again, standing up.

In the end, Sirius was forced to waste his whole Saturday playing nice with his horrible family because of Hermione Granger, and her superior ability at being an evil sneak.

* * *

Lily woke up, disoriented. Her arms hurt in their sockets, but that was probably because they were twisted behind her back and tied at the wrists. Her mouth felt like a wad of dried cotton had been stuffed into it. Her hair was sticking to her sweaty cheek. On her left was a strange creaking noise, but she was having trouble turning her head due to the crick in her neck and the pounding headache she had. Her arse felt numb, and the chair she was tied to was hard and wooden. The blackboard in front of her had "Muggle loving traitor" written on it in stark white chalked words.

The creaking increased in intensity, but her neck still wouldn't turn properly. There was a loud swear, and then a cracking thump.

"Potter?" Lily said through her dry throat.

"Yeah," Potter said, his voice sounding muffled, confirming her suspicions that the noise disturbance to her left had been James Potter falling over onto the floor. As much as she detested Potter for his unwarranted arrogance and bullying, she had never even considered that he would be the one who had tied her to this chair. A bully he might be, but he wasn't the kind of bully that knocked a girl out and tied her to a chair.

"What's going on?" Lily said, trying to swallow, "is it...is it Black playing a prank?"

"Sirius?" Potter yelped, still sounding muffled, "you think he'd do something like this?"

"Not really," Lily responded miserably, "but I...was kind of hoping."

"You think he'd tie us to chairs and write 'Muggle loving traitor' on the board?" Potter asked.

"No," Lily said, "I...no."

"I think it's likely it was your good friend Snivellus," Potter said, still sounding strange. Lily tried to turn her head to confirm that Potter's head was smashed into the floor like she suspected and she failed again.

"What's your problem, Evans?" Potter asked, "Why are you doing that with your head?"

"I can't turn my neck," Lily said, spitting out a strand of red sweaty hair, "it hurts."

Potter swore again.

"Language," Lily said without any heat.

"I'm going to kill whoever did this," Potter said ominously. Lily assumed this would be more soothing to her if she wasn't currently picturing Potter tied to a fallen chair, arse up, face down onto the floor like a crippled bug.

"So you didn't see who?" Lily asked, grimacing as she tried to move her head again.

"No," Potter said, "You?"

"Obviously not," Lily snapped, "or I wouldn't have asked you if it was Black, would I?"

"No need to get testy," Potter said testily, "we're in this together, aren't we?"

"Some mess," Lily said, "the Head Boy and Girl tied to chairs in a classroom together."

She managed to twist her head to the right and saw a photo of her parents and Petunia blown up on the wall. A chill went down her spine. Someone had written "beautiful family" on the picture in red paint.

"Why is that photo on the wall?" Lily asked, trying not to hear the high pitched warble in her own voice, hoping against hope that Potter hadn't heard the fear. She was a Gryffindor, and she would damn well act like it.

"How should I know?" Potter said. There was another crash and he swore again, "they've got one of my parents too, on my wall."  
"What's it say on yours?" Lily asked, looking away from the photo of her family, a sick feeling in her stomach. She knew people disliked her because of her blood, looked down on her for it. She knew Voldemort hated people like her and her family, no matter what nonsense Regulus Black said to her at Sluggy's party. But she didn't know her classmates hated her _this _much.

"Nevermind," Potter said after a pause, "doesn't matter."

"As soon as I can turn my head again I'll read it Potter," Lily said, exasperated.

"It's just weird, is all," Potter said, "nothing awful. Weird."

"Like what?" Lily asked.

"It says Benedict Arnold, all right?" Potter said, "don't know who that is, but—"

"Nor do I," Lily said, but there was a tiny bell in her brain telling her that she did know, at one point.

"Listen, is now a good time to confess that Sirius is faking an engagement to Sami Greengrass to look at dark magic books in his family library?" Potter asked as another crash sounded from his direction.

"What was that?" Lily said.

She knew what Potter was doing. He clearly thought he was so slick, distracting her by bringing up their earlier gossip. She might as well play along and let the poor sod think he was successful.

"Yeah I was lying earlier," Potter said with a groan. There was another crashing noise, "dammit, I knew I should've started lifting weights with the Beaters."

"_What_?" Lily said, twisting her arms in a futile effort to free herself. A stabbing pain shot up her arms.

"Do you like a buff man? You do, don't you Evans?" Potter said despairingly.

His voice was much clearer. He must've rolled over in the chair at least. Lily tried to look into her robe pocket to see if whoever had tied her up had been foolish enough to leave her wand.

"Abs of pewter?" Potter said, "the biceps of a particularly large Beater's bat?"

"I like pudgy, short, pink haired women," Lily said, deadpan, spitting out another strange of her hair, "bad luck, Potter."

There was a moment of silence, which was of course totally unlike Potter. Lily turned her head with a yelp of pain at last. Potter was half tied to his chair still, arms squashed behind the partially splintered chair on the floor, legs flailing at her, glasses broken on the floor a few feet away as he blinked at her, clearly not seeing her well.

"I can dye my hair pink," Potter said finally, "also, I've already got an addiction to eclairs that's probably going to lead to my arse getting huge. Two out of four, Evans!"

"Yeah, we should get married," Lily said sourly, extra irritated when Potter grinned hugely at that, blinking in her general direction, his eyes squinting. Surely he understood that she was being facetious?

"Name the date," Potter said, grunting as he tried to shift the chair to the left with a heave, "I've got my dress robes. Sirius has finally got a nice set."

"Stop trying to distract me," Lily said, "this is an alarming situation Potter, and I'm determined to be alarmed at this."

"I'm not trying to distract you," Potter said, lying through his overly white teeth, "you wanted to hear about the truth of Sirius's engagement, right? Well, you were right. It's a farce."

"To look at dark magic books," Lily said slowly.

"Yup," Potter said, "see, he's convinced that Granger has got copies of his family tomes of dark magic, right, from the Black family library in her-"

"Potter, focus!" Lily said, trying to twist her arms again, "we've got to get out of here!"

"I've been trying for the past hour while you've been snoozing, Evans," Potter retorted indignantly. He flailed again, knocking himself onto his front once more like a turtle with a shell. "Bollocks!"

"And we've got to figure out who did this," Lily said, trying her leg restraints one at a time with no success, "and why."

"For revenge, "Potter agreed, speaking into the floor again.

"This isn't a prank!" Lily said, her eyes alighting on Petunia again, her heart accelerating, "this is a threat! A threat to my family." The words were kind, but she knew they intent wasn't. In her gut, Lily _knew._

Potter flailed around some more, sweat pouring off of him, but not freeing himself in the slightest.

"It could be a Slytherin prank," Potter disagreed, "they get nastier then you realize, Evans. I know you haven't been the target often because of your relationship with Sniv—Snape, but it's the truth-"

"This has nothing to do with Severus," Lily said, sweat trickling down her forehead. A thought struck her. "Do you think Granger is involved?"

"Why would you think that?" Potter said, half rolling again. The chair squeaked but remained intact, "and who the fuck created this indestructible chair of doom? I ask you!"

"You said Black is investigating her having dark magic books," Lily frowned.

"Sirius is off his gourd," Potter said, "just because we found some bloody robe with 'Potter' stitched on it he's really gone round the twist."

"You found what?" Lily said, thinking fast. I couldn't really be Granger who had done this, right? The girl was odd, yes, but-she gasped.

"What?" Potter said, to the wall, and Lily finally spotted the photograph of Potter with his parents that was splashed with the random name on it.

"Nothing," Lily lied, thinking about what Regulus had said to her at the Slug Club party.

"You're a terrible liar, "Potter said, groaning, as he rolled back onto his back again, squinting once more at the red haired blur that was Lily.

"It's just—she's been hanging out with Regulus Black," Lily said finally.

"Oh, don't tell me you think she's Satan's bride too," Potter said, "I can't handle this from you as well."

"So you don't believe Black?" Lily asked.

"Well I mean-sometimes he has some points," Potter said, "but...Remus has better points, and he says-"

Lily twisted her arms again and fell over as well with a yelp. Her head banged on the floor, hard, and spots swam in front of her eyes.

"Evans!" Potter yelped, "Are you okay?"

"Fine," Lily breathed, her head ringing. It was like the fall had knocked sense into her, "and you're right. It can't be Granger."

"Why?" Potter said, "I mean, not that I really disagree but-"

"She's got_ Mudblood_ on her arm," Lily remembered, "Helena saw it after she showered one day and asked her about it and she said a Death Eater carved it into her arm with a cursed knife."

"What?" Potter yelped, "are you—a Death Eater-_what_?"

"And—and I think she's got a good heart," Lily said, picturing the way Granger's face had crumpled when she'd told her that Sev was no good, "er, buried deep down. It's just…it's so easy to suspect her."

"She is a suspicious gal," Potter agreed, "fuck, my foot is going numb."

I mean, I should've tried to be friends with her," Lily said in the tones of a drunk confessing her darkest secrets.

"Well I wouldn't go that far-"

"She's been picked on and just because she's odd, and maybe snogging Regulus Black-"  
Potter audibly gagged.

"I suppose there are worse boys to snog," Lily said dubiously.

"Snivellus," Potter agreed, "true, but-"

"And just because she transferred here with no explanation," Lily said, tears in her eyes, maybe from guilt or a concussion, who knew, "just because she knows things she shouldn't, just because she's got dark magic books and all that, doesn't mean she's up to no good."

"You did hear the part about her possessing a bloody robe with _Potter_ written on the inside?" Potter asked her.

The guilt was overwhelming. Lily wasn't the kind of girl who participated in bullying, she never had been, and she'd _tried _to be friends with Granger, but she could have tried harder, right?

"And maybe I shouldn't have said no to your Hogsmeade offer," Lily said, tears flowing now. A snot bubble popped.

"Evans, how hard did you hit your head?" Potter said, alarmed.

"You're not so bad," Lily said as spots swam in her vision more, "I mean sure, you're built like a Gumby doll and your arrogance is so out of control you might actually snog yourself in the mirror at night, but I didn't mind that one painting you did that one time."

"Pete said it made you look like you had a tumor," Potter said, "listen, Evans, I think you have a concussion."

Black smoke was swarming in the edge of Lily's vision.

"Sev tried to snog me once," Lily said, her voice slurring, as she stared at the ceiling, "in third year."

"Ew!" came from her left.

"I pushed him away and he tried to say he was drunk off of three butterbeers. I pretended I believed him, but I didn't, not really."

A cat coughed up a hairball on her left, and that was odd, because Granger's beast never left their room from what Lily saw and she wasn't in her bed, was she? If she was, why did her arms hurt so badly?

"Evans, keep your eyes open! Potter said suddenly, "I think you've got some damage and you can't go to sleep!"

Lily tried to open her eyes and saw blurry shapes that didn't make much sense as her head pounded. Much easier to close them again.

"Evans! _Lily!_"

Her eyes were closed and her brain wasn't working but Lily still heard a series of crashes, muffled swears, and shouting, but none of it made sense.

A blast of water hit her face and her eyes flew open, sputtering.

In front of her was a wizard in a hooded robe, face shadowed.

"_Concussione Relevium_," the wizard said, voice muffled, and Lily felt the throbbing in her head cease.

On her left, Potter was crashing and rolling louder than ever, shouting at the wizard to leave Lily alone. Once the head ringing had stopped, Lily blinked again and saw that the wizard's face was masked in gold. She'd never seen a Death Eater before, and she probably wasn't seeing one now. They supposedly wore white masks, and she was at school, and this was most likely a classmate playing a very cruel prank on the Head Boy and Girl. But Lily felt panic set in anyway.

"Nice knickers, Evans," the boy said, and Potter swore again. Lily's face was aflame. When she'd fallen and hit her head, her skirt had shifted and she hadn't noticed or cared. Not that she could hide her rainbow covered cotton candy colored knickers if she had noticed. Not with her arms tied like this and going numb.

"Want a pair?" Lily said recklessly, "you can get some in Marks and Spencer."

"I don't want to hear about your disgusting Muggle bullshit," another boy said from behind them, and Lily felt her stomach drop. One boy in a mask was manageable. Perhaps a prank. But judging by the noises, it was not one boy in a mask. It was not even _two_ boys in masks.

"Let us go," Potter said, voice surprisingly even when he'd been swearing and flailing thirty seconds earlier. "Walk out of the room, leave us with a knife or something to cut these ropes, and nothing will happen to you."

"Nothing's going to happen to us anyway," said the wizard from behind Lily's shoulders, who walked forward to join gold mask. His mask was silver.

"I'll make sure you rot in Azkaban," Potter said threateningly, "that's a promise."

The boys laughed.

"Rot in Azkaban?" gold mask said, "for what?"

"We're all friends here," silver mask said soothingly.

"Yeah let's make friendship bracelets," Potter said sarcastically.

Who could these boys be? Slytherins, most likely. No one else hated Potter and Lily. Perhaps it was Mulcibur and Avery and their crew. Surely not Sev. Sev wouldn't do this. Not ever. Not to Lily.

"Make mine pink," silver mask said.

"Ha ha," Lily tried, "this is all very funny boys, you've got us good. Take a picture of my knickers and you can all laugh about it later. But let us go afterwards, and no hard feelings."

"Potter's got hard feelings," a third boy said, and his mask was black as coal, "don't you, Potter? We can all see her knickers. Do you like that?"

Lily felt ill. She was wearing her most childish pair of knickers. They weren't sexy or revealing in the least. But even the most chaste of modern knickers still left you flashing all of your legs and your bits at a group of uptight boys who maybe hated you.

"You're sick," Potter said evenly, "sick in the head. I feel sorry for you all. But not sorry enough to make sure you don't end up paying for this."

"Paying for what?" a fourth boy in a green mask laughed, his voice artificially altered like all of their voices were, sounding like boulders rubbing together, "our friendship bracelets? We did all so want to have matching ones. I'm willing to give a few galleons."

"What are you all doing?" Lily said, "what's this all about? Are you having trouble making friends? You could've just asked, I'm friendly."

The boy with the black mask laughed.

"Yeah, Snape told us all how friendly you are," he said, and the other boys laughed as well.

Lily felt her insides squirm with guilt, which made her angry. She certainly hadn't done anything like what they were joking about with Sev. And even if she had, what of it? There was nothing wrong with that.

"Shut your mouth," Potter bellowed.

A blast like a cannon sounded throughout the room, and Lily screamed as loud as she could as the ancient wooden dungeon door flew off its hinges, knocking into gold mask and silver mask and flattening them to the floor. The other two boys stood up from where they'd ducked and pulled out their wands as Lily and Potter frantically tried to get out of their ropes for the millionth time, but it was too late, and the masked boys were stupefied.

Lily's hair was in her mouth and her eyes. It was all she'd managed in her attempt at escape. Blinding herself with own hair.

"Evans!" Potter said, and she looked over at him. He was covered in blood, the ropes twisted so tight around him Lily could see purple marks growing on his wrists.

"I'm fine," she said automatically, but how could you be fine when you had just been tied up and maybe threatened?

There was a click of feet on the floor, and Lily saw Potter look up at their rescuer while he continued to twist, squinting. She didn't know why he was bothering to squint when everyone knew James Potter couldn't see shite without his glasses, but then Potter's eyes bugged out of his skull.

"You!" Potter said with a yelp, and Lily looked at him again. Judging by this reaction, it had to Sev. Her stomach swooped with relief, and she looked up at their rescuer as well, prepared to thank Sev for his bravery.

"You!" Lily shrieked.

Her hair was even worse than it normally was. Perhaps the magic in the air had messed it up to these catastrophic conditions. A tornado had attacked a pile of cat hairballs.

"Me," Hermione Granger said grimly.

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry for the delay, my friends. I had to go back to work and my free time is taken up by that and constant stress, so all my writing on my various stories have slowed. I also really struggled with this chapter. It's not as "fun" but...it had to happen to progress the story. Thanks for your support, and I always love to hear your thoughts!


	11. Boys Will be Boys?

**Chapter Eleven: Boys Will be Boys?**

Sirius had returned to the castle bristling with impotent rage at the hag and the ruination of his Saturday, the mystery of how Hermione Granger could be in possession of books he'd seen in his parent's library with his own disbelieving eyes, and irritation that Sami Greengrass had the audacity to ask him for a kiss. Sure, Sami had been instrumental in weeks of diabolical planning, and yeah Sami had a point that Sirius was certainly a boy that tongued his girlfriends in public and the fact that they weren't tonguing all over the place was suspicious at best, but he'd never agreed to have Slytherin spittle in his mouth. He was more than eager to whinge about all of this to James, Remus, and Pete at some length, until he'd reentered the Gryffindor common room and twelve people had shouted at him at once that James and Lily had been attacked by a group of Slytherins and Hermione Granger had rescued them.

"Pardon me, I think you said that in my deaf ear," Sirius said to Pete, "or else you slipped me some of the finest goblin weed known to man. Can you repeat that?"

"I said," Pete said, puffing up with pride that Sirius had ignored the other eleven people that had tried to shout the story to him in various degrees of detail, including a white vinyl boot and dog collar wearing Smythwick, "Pron—James and Evans were attacked by a group of Slytherins and Hermione Granger rescued them."

Sirius tilted his head. If Remus or James were there, they would've commented on his uncanny appearance to a dog trying to shake a flea lose from his ear. Had Sami drugged him in her attempt to get his tongue in her mouth? Had the hag Confunded him again? Had Kreacher finally snapped and poisoned him out of revenge?

"You left out the part where Evans got pictures of her taken in her knickers!" Cassiopeia Fawcett said eagerly.

"That's a rumor," Amelia snapped, "and you shouldn't-"

"What do you mean, attacked?" Sirius said blankly.

"It was a prank," Victoria Arnold scoffed, "everyone knows it was a prank, just like you boys are always-"

"It was _not_ a prank," Amelia retorted, "you think it's funny to tie up a girl and-"

"It might have been a prank," Pete cut off the bickering seventh year Gryffindor girls, "no one knows for sure, but everyone's up in Dumbledore's office right now!"

"Where's Remus?" Sirius asked, "What do you mean, everyone?"

If anyone could give him a more coherent explanation of what Pete meant by Granger had saved James and Evans from a maybe prank maybe attack by some Slytherins it was good old Remus. He'd probably even have color coded notes and a graph.

"Up in Dumbledore's office," Pete said in a rush, "like everyone else is. I told you."

Sirius looked around, bewildered, feeling angry heat build in his body. He'd already suffered through an excruciating day and his reward was hearing about how Granger was allegedly a hero? Granger, with her bad attitude, bloody robe that had Potter written on it, sketchy copies of Black family books, her Mudblood scar, and her snogging of Reg?

"He probably can't even kiss," Sirius mumbled under his breath.

"Er, what?" Pete asked.

"Who can't kiss?" Smythwick asked eagerly. He was, as always, hovering far too close to Sirius for comfort, like a meteor revolving around a sun that was going to get burned at any second. "Dumbledore?"

"I'll have you know he's talented with his tongue," Sirius said automatically, his brain churning as everyone around laughed at his wit as usual.

Abruptly, he turned around and made his way to the portrait hole.

"You can't go out there," Amelia said annoyingly.

"Yeah?" Sirius said, "Try me."

"Dumbledore said we should all stay in our rooms," Amelia persisted, and Sirius turned with a scowl. She was far more entertaining when she was mooning over him in red faced stutters.

"Well he didn't tell _me_ that," Sirius said rudely, and he opened the portrait hole and strode out, yelling "not now, Smythwick!" over his shoulder as the boy in question tried to follow.

There was a scurrying of footsteps behind him. That was good. Pete was a great guy, but how he'd gotten in Gryffindor sometimes baffled Sirius. But when you really, really needed Pete, he was there, as reliable as the Chudley Cannons losing the Quidditch league cup.

"So tell me the whole story," Sirius said, not looking back.

"I did," Pete said, "that's all I know."

"Really?" Sirius asked witheringly, as behind them someone opened the portrait hole and shouted out to them to stop breaking curfew. Gryffindor was within ten points of being tops for the house cup, and it had set everyone on edge for mischief and rule breaking recently.

"Yeah, that's all anyone knows," Pete said, oblivious to Sirius' temperamental mood as he often was.

"And Remus is in Dumbledore's office why?" Sirius barked at Pete, striding around a corner, hearing Pete begin to pant with effort to keep up with Sirius's long legged walk.

"Dunno," Pete panted, "maybe he found them?"

"Are Mims, Colvert, Dolotte, and O'Flannery gone too?" Sirius asked, clenching his fists. Couldn't he be gone for a few hours without James bollocking things up without him?  
"Yeah," Pete gasped for air, "why?"

"Well, they are the other Gryffindor prefects, see," Sirius said sarcastically, "so I suppose that's why Remus is gone."

"Oh yeah," Pete said, "you're so smart, Sirius!"

That mollified his rage a little.

"I know," Sirius conceded, "listen, is Evans okay? What's this about knickers?"

"Dunno, hadn't heard," Pete said unhelpfully, "say, where are we going?"

Sirius stopped dead in the corridor, Pete plowed into his back, and he whirled around, irritated.

"Where are we going? Where do you think, thick-head?" Sirius snarled.

All he'd wanted to do this year was get in some messes, run around as Padfoot, snog a few dozen cute girls, maybe get a few more to take their clothes off for fun, get drunk a few times, lark about with his mates getting up to no good under the cloak, play some pranks on the Slytherins, and graduate, starting his life away from the Black family name.

It would be much easier to pretend that he hadn't ever been a part of that family once Reg wasn't sneering in his peripherals at meals anymore. And now look at him. Play acting the dutiful heir once more, taking the hag's abuse, listening to his father's threats again, snogging no cute girls because he was pretending to be engaged, obsessing over one girl with ludicrously awful hair because she might be a dark witch.

Pete's ears were glowing pink.

"I dunno," Pete said again after a moment in which Sirius's hands clenched and unclenched. Remus had told him once to get his anger under control by talking to someone wise, like McGonagall about his past. But what could McGonagall do to help Sirius? It's not like she'd grown up being abused by pure-bloods.

"But wherever we're going, I thought this could help?" Pete drew out from his robes the invisibility cloak.

"You have your moments, Wormy," Sirius said graciously, and Peter turned pinker with pleasure.

* * *

James sat jiggling his leg violently up and down as the prefects wandered out of Dumbledore's office, Rosalie McGovern tripping over nothing in the doorway and falling to the side, righting herself on the doorway and glaring back inexplicably at Granger, who hadn't done anything at this embarrassing display of her nemesis but continued to stare at Dumbledore's moon patterned carpet with a blank expression. She had been staring at the carpet for the past hour.

James eyes darted to the doorway in suspicion as a muffled laugh was heard.

"Don't you laugh at me, Granger!" McGovern said shrilly.

James's leg jiggled faster and he saw that out of the corner of his eye Evans was still hugging herself tightly. His teeth ground together.

He looked over at Granger, who glanced up. She caught James's eye and looked hastily away, her expression indicating she'd forgotten she wasn't alone.

"I didn't do anything," Granger said.

Her voice sounded different to James. He couldn't place how just yet, but later on he'd realize she didn't sound angry or contemptuous, and that made her voice softer and more pleasing to the ear.

"I heard you laugh," McGovern said, yet shriller, and James ground his teeth more, turning to glare at the empty back alcove of Dumbledore's office to McGovern's right. Typical.

"Thank you Miss McGovern, that will be all," Professor Sprout said as she stood, ushering her seventh year prefect out of the door, shutting it behind her and making her way back to the row of chairs where McGonagall, Flitwick, and Sluggy were sitting.

James wanted to make a joke, he really did. He'd never wanted to make a joke more in his life. But Evans was hugging herself so tightly he could see marks on her bare arms where the blood was gone from her grip, and Dumbledore looked so grave as he stared at the three of them that he couldn't think of a single thing to say.

"Good thing you didn't make _her _Head Girl, eh Professor?" Granger said unexpectedly, her voice sounding caustic and normal again.

"Mind yourself, Miss Granger," McGonagall said, but without, it was to be said, her usual bite. The professors all were at a loss.

Lily gave a tiny snicker, and James unclenched his teeth a bit. His leg kept bouncing in rhythm with his pounding heart.

He tried to smile at Granger, to thank her for making Lily laugh at least a little, for being brave and doing the right thing even though she'd not exactly had a great time of things at school, but his jaw refused to work. And anyway, when he'd made eye contact with Granger again, trying to smile through the lockjaw, she'd looked away like James was diseased.

The occupants of the room looked at each other in uncomfortable silence. It was the first time James had seen old McGonagall at a loss for words. Sluggy wasn't waggling his fingers and chuckling. In fact, Sluggy was rather whey faced and sweating a little. James doubted he often roused himself enough to climb all of the stairs to Dumbledore's office.

"So am I being expelled?" Granger asked flatly, breaking the silence, "sent to Azkaban?"

"No!" Lily said explosively, and everyone jumped. It was the first time she'd talked since Granger had found them.

"Of course not," McGonagall said loudly, and then she looked at Dumbledore, whose face was impassive. "Right, Albus?"

"You did use a dark curse in front of witnesses, Miss Granger," Dumbledore said placidly.

Granger shrugged.

"No she didn't," James lied, forcing his jaw open. She had, of course. She'd used several. Not unforgivable worthy, not quite, but it wasn't all freezing charms and tickling hexes and glitter bombs either.

"I believe she did," Slughorn corrected, wiping at his forehead, "most unfortunate."

"You know what's unfortunate?" James said loudly, his leg bouncing so fast he was apt to kick a hole in Dumbledore's desk, "that you're not breaking their wands and sending to Azkaban the little shits that were trying to assault Evans."

"Well now, assault-" Slughorn started to protest.

The past two hours had been spent recounting the horrible ordeal while Pomfrey had fixed Evans's cracked skull and the perpetrators were locked up in the Hospital Wing. James had thought it would be fast. They had the four miscreants who had been threatening the Head Boy and Girl and tied them up, four six year Slytherin boys. They had three witnesses to the vile attack. And they had Dumbledore as Headmaster. Four expulsions, four breaking of wands, four sentences to jail. What was the problem?

He had not, of course, accounted for Slughorn successfully arguing that it had been a mean spirited prank that got out of hand. He had not expected Flitwick to come back from talking to the Slytherin scumbags with tales of deepest apologies for a joke gone awry. He had not expected Dumbledore to hint to James that he hadn't expelled Sirius for almost killing Snivellus via werewolf homicide in fifth year, and that being a far greater offense. He had not expected Lily and Granger to sit in silence while he argued, alone. He had certainly not expected the prefects to be summoned, and given instructions on how to deal with pranks from now on.

"Assault," James boomed across Sluggy, his teeth rattling from his leg jigging, "what else d'you call that? They were making comments about her knickers, for Merlin's sake!"

"Hardly assault," Slughorn said, "a mean prank, but if you recall, Mr. Potter, you have hung one of my students upside down and insulted his pants in front of a great deal more students then Miss Evans had watching her-"

"Not the same!" McGonagall said, even louder then James, and good old McGonagall, how could James have ever found her rigid and unforgiving? "A group of boys making sexual comments on a pretty young girl who they've tied up alone in the castle is not the same thing, Horace!"

"She was not alone," Slughorn said stubbornly, "and these boys have a long history of mischief making with Mr. Potter and his friends."

"I wouldn't call it mischief making," McGonagall said, outraged, as James pictured in his mind punching in every single face of the boys who had threatened Lily.

"Boys will be boys, Minerva!" Slughorn said, "There's no reason to-"

"I really thought you were less of a coward then this, Professor," Granger said unexpectedly, "what happened to you?"

The silence was so thorough James could hear the movement of robes, the squeak of Lily's chair as she shifted, hugging herself more.

"Five points from Gryffindor," Dumbledore said, as Granger kept staring at the carpet and everyone stared at her.

James brain, which had been going through turns for hours, flipped another switch.

"Yes, by all means take points from Hermione," Lily said, her voice hoarse, "she only just saved our lives while you defend a bunch of junior Death Eaters."

"Miss Evans," Slughorn said, his face purple red with anger, and perhaps embarrassment, "you know I care deeply about you! This is merely a misunderstanding. I will punish my students of course-"

"Will you, Horace?" Professor Sprout said, "Or will you tell them boys will be boys?"

"I want them expelled," James said, both legs jiggling now, "now. Today." Sirius had a Lord of Black Manor voice, try as he did to deny it, which came out from time to time. It was part of what happened when you were raised a pure-blood. James never used his. But James had been raised a rich pure-blood same as his best mate. And if he had to pull rank on Slughorn, he would. "My parents will want that too. So will Evans's parents, even if none of you care about their opinion just cause they're Muggles."  
The professors gasped.

"Mr. Potter," Flitwick squeaked, "that is a serious accusation to-"

"It's the truth," Lily said, "you don't worry about what my parents will do when they hear. Will you even tell them?"

"No," Granger said unexpectedly again, "Dumbledore never does."

Everyone looked at her in surprise. If James could register anything other than white hot rage that he'd maybe almost watched Lily Evans get assaulted in some manner or other by a group of Slytherins and said Slytherins were in the process of getting away with it he would be curious about Granger. But he didn't have anything other than the rage.

"I'm writing my parents immediately," James said, his voice vibrating from the vigorous leg jiggles, "you can't stop me. Evans is writing hers. Granger is writing hers." Dumbledore glanced over his spectacles from Granger back to James, "and then we're getting justice for this. I want them expelled. You're lucky I'm not demanding they be sent to Azkaban."

James of course, had just demanded minutes before that the Slytherin hooligans be sent to Azkaban, but prudently no one made mention of this.

"Send them to Azkaban," Granger muttered, "who cares."

"That is enough," Dumbledore said gently, "I will gather a thorough look at what occurred and make a decision then. No one will be sent to Azkaban, no matter what curses they used," Dumbledore said, and James saw he looked at Granger pointedly once more.

"Just use your pensieve," Granger snapped, "save yourself some time. Get Jam—Potter's and Evans's memories and see for yourself. Show _him_-" she jerked her head angrily at Slughorn "what they did, and then maybe you'll both grow a spine."

"That is enough," Dumbledore said again, this time not gently, "Minerva, please escort Mr. Potter and Miss Evans to the hospital wing. Horace, you may speak to your students to ascertain the full story. Filius, Pomona, please join your house prefects in informing your students about our new rules on pranks. Miss Granger, you may stay here."

"No," Lily said, "you can't make her-"

"It's fine," Granger said sharply, looking up from the carpet, "Professor Dumbledore and I have a lot to discuss."

James stood, trying to reach for Lily, but she shrunk away. His eyes looked again at the back corner of the office, narrowing.

"Potter, help me out here," Lily hissed.

"She'll be fine," James said, widening his eyes and subtly jerking his head at Granger as he looked into the empty corner.

"What are you looking at?" Lily said, bewildered.

"Potter, time to go," McGonagall said, her mouth thinner then James had ever seen it. She was Minnie the Mouthless, destroyer of fun. "Your behavior is out of character. We must get you checked for spell damage."

"Yeah, sure," James said, and he followed McGonagall and Lily out of the room, a whisper of a cloak brushing his left knee as he passed the empty corner. He nodded at nothing. No one noticed.

* * *

Sirius sat under the cloak crammed with Pete, both of them sweating copiously. The cloak was made for multiple young boys, or one large man, or one and a half decent sized teenage boys. Luckily Pete was quite short still, but it was uncomfortable enough to try to hide every limb. And with McGovern falling onto them and James practically pointing and screaming at them in front of everyone, he was sure they'd be caught. But they hadn't been. Pete poked Sirius in the ribs as the silence between Granger and Dumbledore went on and on. Everyone else had filed out of the room as Sirius sat in baffled rage. From what he'd picked up, something awful had happened to Evans and some Slytherins were getting away with it. That's all he had to know. But he had stopped Pete from following after James. He knew his brother. And his brother wanted him to watch over Granger for some reason.

Pete poked him again.

"What?" Sirius mouthed.

"What are we doing?" Pete mouthed back.

"Spying," Sirius replied silently.

Granger was scuffing the carpet with her toes. Dumbledore had his eyes closed, his fingers steepled. The portraits were rustling around and whispering. Even Fawkes was watching.

Dumbledore opened his eyes after a few more minutes.

"That was very foolish of you, Hermione," he said finally.

"I know," Granger said mutinously, scuffing at the carpet still.

"Look at me," Dumbledore commanded, and Sirius's eyes widened at the same time Pete inhaled sharply.

"What for?" Granger said, "I can't undo it, can I?"

"Can't you?" Dumbledore said cryptically.

"No," Granger said, but she still wasn't looking at Dumbledore, "You know I can't."

"I said, look at me!" Dumbledore said loudly, and Sirius clasped his hand over Pete's mouth so he would stop gasping out loud at their headmaster's shocking behavior. The last thing they needed was to be caught.

Granger looked up, but Sirius couldn't see her face from where they were, just her terrible, terrible hair.

"I think you can," Dumbledore said finally, after examining her face, "I think you can undo a great many things."  
"That's what I'm trying to avoid," Granger said, sitting up suddenly, her hands gripping her chair arms, "as you very well know."

"If you are trying, you're doing very poorly," Dumbledore said brutally, "are you not?"

Granger muttered something.

"Are you not?" Dumbledore repeated.

Sirius couldn't see her face, but he knew Granger was furious. She'd been angry enough times at him for Sirius to recognize the stiff way she was holding her shoulders.

"Yes," she said finally, voice tight, "I'm doing poorly. But regardless, I am trying. Hard. It's not been easy, Dumbledore."

"Try harder," Dumbledore said bluntly, as the portraits exchanged glances and Pete breathed on Sirius's clamping hand.

"You could help more, you know," Granger snapped. Sirius pinched his own leg to make sure he wasn't in the middle of some confusing and boring nightmare. No one talked to Dumbledore like this as far as he knew. And the headmaster was just taking it.

"And how could I do that?" Dumbledore asked, "Please think, Hermione."

"I am," Hermione snarled "how dare you say I'm not! And while I'm at it, you could do something about all of these people bullying me."

"Do something yourself," Dumbledore said cruelly, "we both know you are more than capable."

"I thought you didn't want anyone dead," Granger said, "my mistake."

Pete jerked in surprise next to Sirius. He felt his own eyes bugging out of his head. What was happening?

"You are focusing on the wrong things," Dumbledore said, "Like I told you last time."

"Everything's ruined," Granger said furiously, the portraits listening as avidly as Sirius and Pete were, "don't you understand? I've ruined everything."

Dumbledore stood up, clearly done with this conversation.

"Then I suggest you fix it," he said coldly, "and stop wasting my time with your complaints and childish pursuits."

"Noted," Granger said, voice clipped, and she stood up, Sirius able to see her face for the first time as she turned from the headmaster and made her way to the door, her expression like thunder. She stormed past Sirius and Pete hiding under the cloak and reached for the door.

"And Hermione?" Dumbledore said to her back.

"What?" Granger said, not turning, hand still outstretched for the knob.

"Keep an eye out for Black, would you?"

"That's what I'm doing," Granger said harshly, and before Dumbledore could reply she wrenched the door open, slamming it behind her so hard the portraits rattled.

Dumbledore sighed.

"Rude," Phineas Nigellus piped up as Pete and Sirius exchanged wide eyed glances, "don't know why you tolerate that sort of thing, Dumbledore."  
"Yes yes, that's quite enough," Dumbledore said, holding his hands out to the portraits, "if you could all keep quiet for a while, I've got some work to do."

He picked up a quill and started writing.

* * *

James was pacing up and down the common room, puncturing his speech with fist punches to his palm.

"We cannot allow this," he said loudly, rounding a couch full of wide-eyed first years.

"We won't," Quorty Fillimon said back, just as loudly as James.

James glanced over to where Evans would be sitting, rolling her eyes at a typical James Potter show, or perhaps telling him to deflate his massive ego by bashing his head against a sharp object, but Evans was upstairs with her mates. Maybe she was sleeping. Maybe she was trying for brave jokes, downplaying what had just happened. Maybe she was crying. James punched his palm again at that thought and a third year jumped.

"We'll pay them back, Potter, no worries," Edgar Kelly said loudly, "the Slytherins can't get away with tying up our Head Boy and Girl."

Roars of agreement came from that statement, and James felt his face flood with color. Rage, of course, but also a bit of humiliation. Mostly, he felt impotent. Right when someone needed him to be James Potter, heroic Gryffindor, Head Boy extraordinaire, he'd been useless. And the person that had needed him to save he with all his Gryffindor chivalry? Oh, only the girl he'd been in love with since first week of first year, when she'd impertinently told Slughorn that she was NOT related to the Evans clan who lived in Moreton-in-Marsh, but was related to the even more impressive Evans clan from Little Whinging, Surrey. She'd gone on for some length about the merit of her art teacher father and healer mother. Although, Evans had said a different word that James had misheard as Hearst and he'd assumed Mrs. Evans dealt with the dead. But just when James had been gifted a golden opportunity on a platter to save Evans from evil, just like he'd fantasized about one too many times, he'd bungled it up and flopped around like a dying fish on the floor, only to be saved by the girl he'd spent weeks debating whether she was a dark witch of nefarious intent. All in all, it was perhaps the worst day of James Potter's charmed young life.

"We'll come up with something," Cassiopeia Fawcett assured James, "they can't just go thinking they can look at girls knickers and take pictures like that!"

"No one took pictures," James said loudly, rounding the armchair again, punching his palm once more, "Don't go spreading that nonsense about."

"Yeah, sure," Cassiopeia said, "only I heard—"

"_There were no pictures_!" James bellowed, and half the crammed full common room jumped. Everyone was used to the mercurial nature of Sirius Black. A dashing charming light hearted rogue one moment, an angry, sullen boy the next, a raging terror at worst. But James was arrogant, true, yet charming. Easy-going. Funny.

"You sure?" Edgar asked hesitantly.

"Of course," James lied. He had no idea actually. It was possible that those sick bloody bastards had taken pictures of Evans in disarray while they'd been knocked out and were flashing them all over Slytherin, where somewhere Sluggy wagged his stupid finger and giggled about naughty little scamps, that's just how boys were, don't you know.

"Boys will be boys," James said out loud scornfully, "yeah, right. More like demented fucks will be demented fucks."

People gasped again, but James took no notice as he tore a hole in the threadbare carpet with his pacing.

"I'll owl my parents," Victoria Arnold said, "they won't stand for girls getting their knickers looked at by those gross boys. Who was it anyway, Potter?"

James stopped for a second.

"Dunno," he said, "does it matter? It was some stupid Slytherins."

"Snivellus?" someone asked.

"No," James said automatically, "they were sixth years."

Granger had shown up like vengeful spirit made of thorn bushes and bad clothing decisions and knocked out their captors in ten seconds flat, her wand flashing as angrily as her eyes. James had flopped over to Evans, but he had been just as useless as he'd been all night until Granger had stopped kicking Slytherin arse and released them both. James had wanted to thank her, but there had been no time, McGonagall had arrived, then the other professors, and they'd all three been ushered to the hospital wing before the grand unmasking. He hadn't even thought about who it could've been. All he could see was the way Evans had been talking nonsense, her head injury terrifying James more then he'd ever been in his life. All he could see was the look on Evans face when they'd laughed at her knickers, the barely masked panic in her eyes as the boys jested with them in a way that was so threatening.

"I bet it was," Edgar said, "little puss-ball, he's always—"

"It wasn't Snivellus," James repeated loudly. As much as he loathed Snivelly, he would never do something like that to Evans. "I just said it was sixth years. That's what McGongagall said."

James resumed pacing, his gaze returning sporadically to the portrait hole.

Everyone had been dying to talk to Granger, including James, a whole common room full of little Sirius Black stalker wannabes. But Granger, as usual, was not doing what anyone wanted her to do. She had never returned.

"We'll find out who it was," Cassiopeia said, "we'll get them. We can't just lose Gryffindor's reputation like this."

"Who cares about our reputation!" James bellowed, glancing at the portrait hole. Where the bloody hell Was Sirius and Pete? Were they still trapped in Dumbledore's office under the cloak? "We need to get justice for Evans! And for all the girls here!"

There were cries of agreement.

"Do you want to be tied up and threatened by a group of boys next?" James demanded of a terrified looking first year. She burst into tears.

"Do you want your knickers flashed about to bullies?" James asked a fourth year girl named Esmeralda something or other.

"No way," she said, "and if they saw, I'd burn their eyes out with an _Adere _hex."

There were a few cheers at that. James nodded. Remus met his eyes and frowned.

"Do you want a picture of your family stolen and painted on with threats?" James said, pointing at Mary McDonald.

Behind them, the portrait hold opened and everyone turned, holding their breaths. A loud explosion of disappointment greeted Pete, who turned red with embarrassment.

"Where's Black?" John Millman asked Pete, who was making his way through the crowd at the door to the boy's dormitory.

"Er, bathroom," Pete said, "stomach upset." He flinched for no reason.

"There's a bathroom here," John said, "several, in fact—"

"No I don't want a picture stolen," Mary said loudly, crossing he arms, "nor did I want to have my shirt drenched in water and then ripped open by a wind spell, but that's what Mulcibur and his mates did to me two years ago and no one cared then."

"That's not fair," Edgar protested.

"I cared," James said, "you know I cared. Didn't we make it so Mulcibur farted every time he spoke for the next two weeks?"

"Yeah, thanks," Mary said, "that removed the trauma of what happened."

Pete quietly opened up the door, and held it open to no one. James eyes narrowed, and he started to follow.

"Listen let's use that," he said over his shoulder, "hopefully it's Mulcibur's brother and we get him expelled, yeah? Everyone write your parents. All of you. Dumbledore will have to listen then."

A roar of agreement followed him as James raced up the stairs after Pete, hearing whispers ahead. Behind him he could hear Remus talking to the crowded dorm about Dumbledore's new prank procedure.

"And where do you think you're going?" James demanded, yanking the cloak off of Sirius, who growled at him.

"I need the map," he said, "Pete and I overheard in the common room that Granger's missing. I want to find her."

"She's with Dumbledore," James said.

"No she's not," Pete said, "we saw her leave, and then we were trapped, for ages and ages, Dumbledore ate an entire bar of raisin nut Honeydukes chocolate, one of those giant ones too, and then he—"

"Maybe she's by the lake," Sirius said, "either way, I need to—"

"Leave her alone, for Merlin's sake!" James shouted, "don't you see she's not done anything wrong? She just saved Lily! Not me, I was useless, some Head Boy, but Granger, she—"

"You didn't hear her talking to Dumbledore," Pete said, "that was really suspicious."  
"I'm sick of you having it out for her, Sirius!" James continued like Pete hadn't spoken, "we're going to be nice to her now, end of story."

"Oh I agree," Sirius said, "that's why I'm looking for her."

But of course, he was lying.

* * *

He couldn't find her anywhere. She wasn't by the lake. She wasn't in the deserted library. She wasn't in the dorms. She hadn't doubled back to Dumbledore's office. She wasn't drowning her sorrows with the house elves in the kitchens. Hermione Granger had apparently ceased to exist.

"I can't find her," Sirius said to James, who had been waiting up in the common room. "Is she back here?"

"No," James said. He was jiggling his leg still. It was possible someone had cast a tarentellegra on him while they were tied up.

"You sure?" Sirius demanded, "only, that one time she snuck back and none of us-"

"I'm sure," James snapped. On his lap was their map spread out, jouncing with his jiggling leg. "She's not in the girls dorm."

"It's two am," Remus said from his spot on the other couch by the fire, "maybe we should try this novel idea called getting sleep?"

"No one's stopping you," Sirius said rudely. Pete snored from the squashy red armchair in the corner to emphasize his point.

"I need to talk to Granger," James said, still staring at the map.

"Isn't that my line?" Sirus groused. He tossed the cloak over one of his shoulders. Peeves had heard him on the fourth floor but he'd ducked behind a statue before the poltergeist could zoom into him. Otherwise the castle had been quiet and still aside from a pair of patrolling prefects.

"It's a tired tune," Remus yawned, "learn some new songs, guys."

"Well _I _want to thank her," James said, rubbing at his eyes, his glasses knocking about, "don't lump me in with Sirius."

"I want to thank her too," Sirius said, "what's that supposed to mean, James?"

James and Remus snorted together.

"What?" Sirius said.

"I said we're going to be nice to her and I mean it," James said ominously.

"And I agreed!" Sirius protested.

James stopped rubbing his eyes and looked at Sirius, his myopic eyes now narrowed.

"So you think I'm dumb?" James said.

"Well you did get yourself caught by a bunch of Slytherins and tied to chairs," Sirius said, trying to get that serious look off of James's face. It didn't belong there. James Potter was meant to be happy and content and confident, a boy raised by loving parents in a wonderful home who had not seen hardship and never would, a funny brave boy who was his best mate. Not this boy doing an impression of Minerva McGonagall.

"Yes you're right," James said, "we all have to be on guard from now on. No more kids games."

Sirius groaned. "That was the opposite of my intent," he said. He couldn't bear it if James got all uptight by following rules and being nice to people. He loved Remus, but they already had one of him. "Listen, I''m going to go try by the lake again, that's where she was lurking about last time. I think-"

"No," Remus said firmly, then ruined it by yawning. "I'm putting my foot down lads. Let's get sleep, then you both can shower Hermione Granger with presents, compliments, recitations of horrid poems-"

"I would at least write a good poem," Sirius said, getting up with the cloak in his arms again, "don't lump _me_ in with James."

"Hey!" James said, indignantly. Sirius knew James wished dearly that everyone would forget about that incident with Evans and the pornographic poem, but he had no intention of ever letting it die. He'd say it at James's wedding, if the poor bugger ever tricked some bird to marry him.. He'd tattoo it on James's arse one day when he was drunk. He'd get it engraved on James's tomb, even if Sirius died first, which to be honest, was more then likely. He'd manage it somehow.

"It would be all poetic and shite," Sirius said, trying not to yawn and failing. "Not a Potter special. No one needs to hear a poem about bushy hair down-"

"Hey," Remus said, actually clutching at his chest, but James cracked a smile and Sirius counted that as a victory.

"Bedtime," James said, immediately negating the victory, "I agree with Remus, Sirius. Let's plan a way to thank Granger tomorr-"

The portrait hole opened again and Granger came through, a trickle of sweat on her left temple, a larger streak of dirt on her right cheek, blood spotting on her lower lip. Sirius, who had started to pull the cloak on again, regardless of what James and Remus, the twin wet blankets said, kicked it off him frantically, James standing and shoving the map behind his back with a crackle of parchment.

Granger made eye contact with Sirius, and turned to walk back out in silence.

"Hey now!" James bellowed, "Granger, what happened to your face?"

"Genetics," Sirius muttered automatically, and that, of all things, caused Granger to turn back to glare at him. He hadn't even really meant it! It had just popped out! Sure her hair was horrid, but her face wasn't that bad. And her arse was great, frankly.

"What did I tell you about these forced Muggle references, Black?" Granger snapped.

Sirius forced a winning smile on his face. "That you find it charming and irresistible?" he said, pushing back his hair. No girl yet had been able to withstand the hair flick and charming smile combination. He remembered Reg's crunchy attempt on Granger and amended his thought. No girl had been able to withstand it from _him_, anyway.

"I was going to say condescending and trite, actually," Granger said, swiping at her lip angrily, then she seemed to come to her senses and realize she was trading barbs with Sirius and made to turn again, to go Merlin knew where and do Merlin knew what. And James didn't think she deserved suspicion?

But before she could flee the common room James was there, dragging her into a bear hug and Granger was making noises of protest.

"James," Remus hissed, making his way over as Granger pushed at him without much heat.

"We've been over this, Prongs," Sirius said, "enthusiasm from girls for touching, yes?"

"Like you'd know," Granger said rudely, as James let her go and she twitched away from him, crossing her arms.

"I'll have you know I've got a number of girls who'd vouch for me," Sirius said, "willing to give me whaddya call em. Job References."

"I'm glad you agree touching you is an endeavor worthy of recruitment and payment," Granger said sourly, brushing at her bloody lip again.

"Speaking of snogging me, what happened to you?" Sirius asked, crossing his own arms as James raised a hand to inspect Granger's injuries and dropped it immediately when she flinched away from him. Sirius had never seen such a skittish girl in his life.

"Wild session with your brother," Granger said brutally, trying to skirt around James who had a weird, wet look on his face that Sirius usually associated with him trying to woo Evans. God no. Did he have to compete with his brother_ and_ James now for this annoying and possibly evil, thorn bush haired girl's attention?

"Ouch," James said mildly, as Granger darted past the sleeping Pete and Remus, who had his hands in his pockets and was being absolutely no help in cornering Granger.

"Like Reg is into that," Sirius snorted, "though, I'll grant you I believe that he was so confused about what to do with a girl he bit you instead."

"Maybe _I _bit _him_," Granger tossed over her shoulder, making her way to the stairwell.

"Remus, stop her," James hissed under his breath, as he and Sirius made their way after her, "listen Granger, what happened to your-"

Remus stuck out his foot and James went sprawling. He put out his left arm and whacked Sirius in the chest with his palm, and Sirius was felled once again by the surprising wiry strength of Remus Lupin, boy werewolf, and fell over on top of James.

The door to the girls' dorm banged shut loudly as Granger escaped.

"Whazzat?" Pete said, awakening with a lurch that took him rolling off the couch and onto Sirius and James.

"You know," James said to the carpet, "I'm really tired to being squash into the floor like a bug tonight." His glasses were cracked for the hundred millionth time.

"I'm not exactly enjoying Pete's arse in my nostril," Sirius agreed. His words were muffled by Pete's generous rear.

"Serves you right," Remus said from over them, "I thought we were thanking her and being nice to her for saving you, Prongs, and then you and Sirius practically tackle her to the floor like cavemen."

Sirius and James and Pete rolled and flopped around, groaning to get away from each other.

"I just wanted to say thanks," James said mulishly, sitting up and pushing his broken glasses up his thin nose.

"And I just wanted to say thanks too," Sirius lied, cracking his back. James really had been going through a growth spurt lately.

"Yeah, with your willy," Pete said, retrieving a stray shoe that had gotten lost in the scuffle.

"My what?" Sirius said loudly, as Remus and James laughed.

"Your willy," Pete repeated, and James fell back to the floor, howling. It wasn't often Pete got off even a decent zinger.

Sirius opened his mouth, indignant, balling up the cloak in his hand. It was even less often that he couldn't think of a comeback. And it was _never _he couldn't think of a comeback to Wormtail, of all people! Prolonged contact with the harpy earlier in the day had sucked his brain out of his head. It was the only explanation.

"Oooh, thank you Granger," James said in a high pitched falsetto, "thank you for saaaving my best friend and his future wife."

"Future _wife_?" Sirius laughed, but it was feeble, and no one laughed with him. I wasn't like James's delusions about Lily Evans was fresh fodder to mock.

James's voice got even higher, "is there anything I can do to thank you, Hermione? Any needs you need satisfied? Or not satisfied, honestly, I can only give you about thirty seconds of thanks."

Remus was crying, actually crying with mirth, and Wormtail had turned puce from his laughter, which was so extreme it had gone silent.

"Is that supposed to be my willy talking?" Sirius asked, "it's a little more manly sounding than that, yeah?"

"Ooh, but see," James said, putting the voice on even higher, perhaps attracting bats soon, "see, how the rest of me doesn't deny my thirty seconds of thanks! Well, I guess he knows thirty seconds is generous, so he didn' t want to—"

Sirius tackled James, and the combined shouting laughter of the four Marauders woke up half of Gryffindor tower, ending with the Head Boy and his mates in detention for what McGonagall assured them was the 8,421st time. But up in the adjoining bathroom to the seventh year girl's bedroom, Hermione Granger stared at her busted lip in the mirror.

"He's going to pay for this."


	12. Book Reports from Hell

**C****hapter Twelve: Book Reports from Hell**

The upside to getting tied to a chair with threatening photos of your Muggle family hung all around you was that you finally realized who your real friends were. And your real friends were practically everyone, even the snobs who've never been nice to you and the abrasive new girl you'd written off as unlikable at best and evil at worst.

The downside, was that you had strange urges to snog the boy you'd found unbearably arrogant and unlikable for over six years. On the scale of finding out how many friends you really had to wanting to snog an arrogant idiot, Lily couldn't figure out where this situation with Sev fell.

"You know I didn't know," Sev said earnestly, "Lily, you must know that."

"Isn't Mulcibur your best friend?" Lily said coldly, her arms crossed tightly. Next to them in greenhouse one, a flutterby bush bloomed brightly colored flowers. Cold rain gently clinked on the glass overhead. Sev twitched like he was casting off a fly.

"Not _Heath_ Mulcibur," he said, a note of disgust in his voice, "not him."

"But that's Marvin Mulcibur's younger brother, isn't it?" Lily persisted. She knew it was. Sev knew it was. "And isn't Marvin your best friend?" she said it with contempt.

_Lily_ had once been Sev's best friend. They both knew that too. But Sev had called her a Mudblood, right there in front of everyone, and not even denied that he was planning on joining up with You-Know-Who when school was done. And if that weren't enough, he'd gone and called her a Mudblood again, just weeks ago!

"So what if he is?" Sev demanded, "it's not like they're the same person or something. You certainly treat the Black brothers differently."

"What does that mean?" Lily said, smelling the insult a mile away. She stepped forward, accidentally into a pile of potting soil, and shook off her shoe. Sev bent down for some reason. Did he actually mean to help her? After everything? But Lily jumped back with a scowl. Sev scowled back, and when Sev scowled, it was far darker of an expression then Lily could make.

"You know what it means," Sev said, crossing his arms and mimicking Lily.

Why she had even agreed to talk to Sev was beyond her. Why her friends, who'd been following her like she was a mother goose and they were her ducklings for the last week, even to the loo and the shower, had agreed to let her talk to Sev was beyond her too. She could see the shape of Helena and Sarah outside the glass, huddled under an umbrella, waiting for her. That decided her. She had to hurry up and get away from Sev, and then read a book that told her how to cast James Potter out of her mind for good.

"I really don't," Lily said, though she assumed it was some knock on Sirius Black. Sev, of course, surprised her.

"You didn't think Regulus ran back to the common room to tell me all about your little Slug party?" Sev said, "you don't think I don't know how cozy you two were, talking for ages and ages, and you sneer at his brother all the time."

Lily's mouth fell open. Of all the people she'd expected Sev to defend, Sirius Black was the second to last one. Potter, of course, had the honor of being the last.

"You want me to be nice to Sirius Black?" Lily said finally, "_you_?"

"Of course not," Sev said, "that murdering beast? That arrogant, smug, egotistical—"

"That's the same word three times," Lily said. This was a waste of time. Why was she talking to Sev? She'd vowed in fifth year never to do so again, and she'd broken that vow, learned a lesson, and here she was doing it again like a fool.

"My point is," Sev said, red faced, "is that you don't treat people the same. You don't hold them to the same standards. Look at me. I say one word, one time, when I'm being provoked, and—"

"You said it a lot more then once," Lily said, her voice rising. The rain was so loud she might be able to shout without her friends hearing. It was an ominous thought.

"I said it once," Sev repeated heatedly, "And it was a mistake, and I'm sorry, I told you I was sorry, I begged and begged, I would've done anything for you to forgive me, and you didn't! But James Potter, he's a bully for seven years, and all he does is ruffle his stupid hair at you and you—"

Lily felt herself swelling up like a toad.

"You would do anything?" she said, her voice like a whip, "_anything_? Except stop hanging out with those who practice dark magic? Except renounce You-Know-Who? How is that _anything_, Sev?"

"That's different," Sev insisted.

"How?" Lily demanded, "how is that different?"

"I meant anything that made _sense_!" Sev said.

"Oh, of course," Lily said witheringly, "and don't lie, you called me a Mudblood again just weeks ago, Sev!" Lily said, "are you going to deny that? Are you? You made me _cry_! You made me cry so many times, Sev! You broke my heart! And you know what? James Potter has never made me cry. Not once."

Sev's mouth had fallen open a little, his eyes softer than she'd ever seen.

"I broke your heart?" he said, his voice low.

"Yes!" Lily said, and she felt tears come to the back of her eyeballs and willed them away, "You were my best friend! Like a brother to me! And then all I did was help you, defend you, be a friend to you, and you—"

"I said I was sorry," Sev pleaded, "I tried to explain, but you wouldn't listen."

"I did listen!" Lily shouted this time, but contrary to her guess her friends did hear and when Helena pressed her face against the glass to check on her Lily threw a thumbs up to assuage their worries. It was perhaps the most angst filled thumbs up in history, but up it still was.

"I listened," Lily repeated, "and all you could do is say you didn't mean it, and then you didn't even deny that you're joining You-Know-Who, Sev!"

"He's not what you think," Sev said, and her stomach dropped, "he's not. You haven't met him, is all."

"And you have?" Lily said, "you've met someone who espouses hatred towards me and my own family, and you found him…what? Charming? Intelligent? Morally unscrupulous and willing to get you what you want, no matter the consequences?"

"I haven't met him," Sev said stiffly, "but I will soon."

"Well then you'll lose me," Lily said bluntly, not that it mattered to Sev, she knew. He'd let her go for far less than the power a dark wizard could promise you, "you'll lose me for good."

"No," Sev insisted, "if you just listen to what he says, you'll understand, Lily, you will! He's a great man, and—"

"He's not," Lily said, "he's a murderer."

"That's a nasty lie," Sev said, "the papers and the Ministry trying to pin something someone else did on him, that's all, but he's a genius, he really is, and so powerful, so impressive, so—"

"He's more important to you then I am?" Lily said evenly, and Sev stopped mid-sentence. "Is he?"

"No, of course not," Sev surprised her by saying, "but I thought you wanted me to be better than I am now?"

"What?" Lily said, "what are you talking about? Better how? When have I ever…what have I ever done to make you think something so crazy, Sev?"

"I'm not good enough for you," Sev said bitterly, "and you know it. Why are you pretending that's not true? Everyone knows it's true. Perfect Lily Evans, so brave and smart and loyal, so kind and witty and the most beautiful girl in school, friends to everyone, even little strays like Snivellus Snape—"

"You think I'm beautiful?" Lily said. Sev went red.

"You know you are," he said, "come on, Lily."

Lily felt her own cheeks reddening. She knew Potter had stalked her for years, but in all honesty, she had been convinced since the start that Potter was larking about, toying with her, playing a very long con on her that would end as a prank if Lily was ever foolish enough to take him seriously. Honestly, what boy with a crush would write a poem about "your hair down there?" who would paint a portrait of you that made you look like you had a tumor? It was so clearly a joke on Potter's part that Lily had never taken it seriously, and the other boys didn't give her two looks. She wasn't beautiful. She had dark red hair that Petunia said made her look as pale as a trout, and her eyes were nice, sure, but her shoulders and nose were freckly, her breasts were so small, her teeth a little crooked.

An awkward silence fell. Somehow neither of them could pick up the rhythm of their argument now that Sev had said out loud that he thought Lily was beautiful. He opened his mouth a few times, his eyes down on the ground on his scuffed shoes, and then closed it again. Lily stared at Sev, and when he finally locked eyes with her again, a hopeful light in his dark eyes that usually hid so much, something clicked into place in Lily's brain.

"Oh," she said weakly, then, "I've got to go."

"Now?" Sev blurted, "but I didn't…I wanted to make sure you're okay."

"I am," Lily assured him, "Potter distracted them until Hermione arrived to—"

And just like that, whatever moment they'd been having was over.

"Ah yes, of course, Potter the hero distracted them and saved you like the big strong man he is," Sev said, bitter once more.

"Oh, stop it," Lily snapped, "I'm sick of you being jealous of him!"

"_J__e__alous_?" Sev said, drawing out the word like a whip, "Jealous? Are you joking? Jealous of what?"

"Don't ask me," Lily said, "I think he's an idiot."

A brave idiot, yes. A loyal one to his friends. A brave loyal idiot who was making Lily laugh far too frequently lately, but an idiot, nonetheless.

Sev's shoulders relaxed again.

"I knew you still saw sense," he mumbled, almost to himself. He reached out with his hand, saw Lily's eyes following it, and withdrew. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay," he repeated, "And... I wanted you to know I had nothing to do with it."

"I know," Lily said, "of course I know that. Even Potter knows that."

Sev's mouth tightened, but he kept it shut for once.

"Just...what do you want, Sev? You know I'm okay, or else I wouldn't be in school anymore, would I? Your mate's little brothers would be expelled, and they're not, are they? Just a stupid detention."

"A month of detentions," Sev corrected swiftly.

"Well la-di-fucking dah," Lily said, and Sev's eyes widened. Good. She wanted to shock him. Severus Snape didn't know her anymore, and that was his fault. "Poor them. How terrible."

"I want you back," Sev said, "that's what I want."

One of her friends knocked on the glass again. They were going to be late for Transfiguration. Lily waved them off without looking.

"What does that mean?" Lily asked carefully.

She knew what it meant. She'd figured it out ages ago, that Sev had a crush on her. She'd believed his feeble excuses in third year when he'd tried to kiss her, but she'd realized the truth later on. It had kept her awake nights in fifth year, worrying about when he was going to confess. Trying to work out her own feelings for him in her mind. It would make sense, if she liked Sev too. They got along so well. He was so smart, so funny, such a good friend. She _should _like him. He was her dearest friend. But Sev had started to get mean in third year. Before that, if she was being honest, like the time he'd dropped that branch on Petunia. But before third year, it had been mild enough that she could overlook it. It had only happened when he was provoked, like how Petunia had insulted his shirt before he attacked. But third year, sometimes Sev said mean things about their classmates for no reason. Sometimes Sev got caught up in mischief with Marvin Mulcibur and Bavus Avery. And Lily had brushed that aside too. Didn't Potter and his cronies get up to mischief all the time? But it had gotten worse, until Mary Macdonald had gotten her shirt blown off in Lily's fifth year, and Sev had thought it was "it was a laugh, that's all," and whenever Lily laid awake at night fifth year and tried to think if she could ever want to kiss Sev, if she ever wanted to marry him, even maybe have a child with him one day, when she was a lot older, she saw him saying _it was a laugh, that's all, _and she knew she couldn't. Not when he was like that.

"As my friend," Sev said, "what else? What do you mean?" His dark eyes were boring into her. Sev was hard to read. She could read his face most of the time, of course, as his former best friend, but sometimes, it was hard. Now was one of those times.

Lily felt like she was drowning in those black eyes and looked away, blinking, feeling like she could think clearly again. She took a deep breath, saw Helena peering into the greenhouse again.

"I'm going to be late for class," she said.

"You'll be late either way," Sev said, "give me thirty more seconds, Lily."

"Okay," Lily said, taking another deep breath. "I need you to prove to me that you mean that," she said finally, "that you would do anything. And then maybe we can be friends again."

She began making for the door.

"What does that mean?" Sev called after her.

"You're clever, Sev," Lily said, "figure it out. I mean, I already told you how, for goodness sake."

* * *

This time when Sluggy spotted him outside his classroom he didn't chuckle and chortle. The class filed out, the Slytherins watching Sirius warily. Heath Mulcibur, Albert Avery, Godfried Rosier, and Clifton Carrow, the foursome that had attacked James and Evans and had somehow escaped being expelled and possibly thrown in Azkaban, stared back at him, unafraid. Sirius cracked his knuckles.

Penny Travers looked at him, wet eyed.

"Hi Sirius," she said breathlessly, "congratulations on your reinstatement as heir to the Black family-"

"My brother doesn't want to talk to you," Reg said rudely, but that was Reg for you. Sirius doubted there was a single person in his life aside from their parents and Kreacher that Reg wasn't rude to.

"Mr. Black," Sluggy said, taking out a handkerchief and mopping his forehead and balding head, both of which were sweating copiously, "aren't you supposed to be in class?"

"It's lunch," Sirius said coldly, unfurling from the wall, towering over every male in the corridor, "as we discussed last time, Professor."

Sluggy had at turns bored, disgusted, and amused him in the past in equal measures, but now he was just furious with him. He hadn't thought Sluggy was that great of a man before, and yet he was still somehow disappointed in him. What Sirius shouldn't have forgotten was that old Slugs was a Slytherin. He should never forget that.

"Ah, yes," Slugs said, eyes darting around, "I'll just leave you two to chat, shall I?"

"Oh yes," Sirius said, his eyes moving to the four idiots who were going to pay for what they'd done, "you do that."

He noticed all four of the boys had marks still on their faces, presumably from Granger's spell-work, and smirked, "nice look, boys."

They smirked back at him, completely unrepentant, and Sirius liked that even less. Since when had these little worms not been intimated by him? Was it around the same time they got it in their head to attack the Head Boy and Head Girl? Or was it due to Slughorn and Dumbledore letting them get away with it?

Avery opened his mouth but Slughorn ushered them away loudly, a few of the girls looking aback at Sirius, giggling.

"Sami has competition," Reg said.

"Always," Sirius said without thinking, and Reg laughed coldly.

"Poor girl," he sneered, "I see you're taking our father's route, then? Cheat on her your whole marriage?"

"We're not married," Sirius said, with a slight shudder. God forbid. It would make poor, deluded Sami happy for about two weeks, until she realized what a horrible husband Sirius would be.

"All the girls in the school will be thrilled to hear it," Reg said, "now that you're the heir again, you'll have to go back to beating off every girl with a stick, not just 90 percent of them."

Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"Are you complimenting me, baby brother?" he asked, "I will say, I find this suspicious. A little too nice of you. Almost like you're someone else drinking Polyjuice. Quick, tell me how old you were when you first wanked off."

Reg turned puce.

"How would you even know that?" he asked, "You know what? Don't answer that, Sirius. You sick-"

"Yeah, it's you," Sirius said, grinning without any enjoyment. Well. A twisted part of him always enjoyed winding up Reg, no matter how miserable his life was going.  
Reg spluttered.

"Just this year, huh? Based on that reaction," Sirius needled, "well, it's okay. It will only take you to thirty to lose your virginity. Buck up, brother."  
Reg looked like he was going to hit him, which was even more amusing, but then he turned away and started storming off.

"You should really practice your kissing technique," Sirius called after him, "teeth can be included, sure, but generally not to break skin. Drawing blood? A little Bellatrix, of you, no?"

Reg, expectedly, turned about at once.

"What are you blathering on about now, Sirius?" he fumed.

"Oh, nothing," Sirius said, confirming his theory that Granger had not been snogging his brother the night she'd come in with her busted lip. "Listen, I don't appreciate being lied to by you, Reg. I guess shame on me for expecting more out of you."

"_What are you talking about_, Sirius?"

"It's just," Sirius said, pulling out a cigarette, "what if I had gotten rid of Bletchley and Parkinson for you by swapping spit with them? Do you know how disgusting that is? How much I would sacrifice for you by doing that? And then you go and lie on your part of the deal, Reg. I'm hurt. Really. I am. Aren't you thankful you don't have to be tied down to that harpy, Bletchley? She'd suck out your soul and spit out your bones in a month."

"I'm sick of you talking nonsense," Reg said, "and I'm hungry. Goodbye." he turned away again.

"When did you make a copy of the books for Granger?" Sirius said, and Reg stopped again.

"What?"

"You heard me," Sirius said.

"You're talking about the books in our library?" Reg demanded, "again? What books are these, anyway?"

"Oh, cute," Sirius said, "really, adorable. What books are these. Sure."

"I see you're drunk again," Reg said, "or high on that...what? Goblin weed? It's barely lunch, Sirius. Maybe you have a problem."

Sirius launched himself off the wall, rage filling him.

"You took a bunch of books on dark magic in our library, copied them, and gave them to Granger, then lied to me about it," he said, getting in his brother's face. "Why?"

There was a long pause.

"You saw the originals, in the library?" Reg asked.

"Yes."

"And you saw the copies, in her bag?"

"With the Black family crest on them, yes," Sirius said, "but what I want to know is, when did you do this? And why? And why not tell me the truth?"

"Does it matter?" Reg said, crossing his arms. Sirius longed to grab his brother's book bag and beat him with it.

"If it didn't matter, I wouldn't ask, you fucking toss-pot," Sirius snarled, "and while I'm at it, were you in on that prank on James and Evans?"

"No," Reg said at once, "why would you think that?"

"It was your little buddies," Sirius said, "don't play innocent. All four of precious Regulus's friends tormenting his mean brother's best friend and the Head Girl, who everyone knows you cornered at Sluggy's party, and you're trying to pretend you didn't have anything to do with it?"

"I hate Avery and Carrow," Reg said, looking wounded, and that made Sirius want to pummel him more for being a lying little weasel, "you know that Sirius. Come on. Don't you remember how Carrow called mother a dried-up shrew two years ago?"

Sirius snickered. He did remember. He hadn't cared, of course, for once Carrow was speaking the truth, but Reg had been so outraged on behalf of his precious mummy he'd punched Carrow and Sirius had been forced to intervene, as Carrow, who was all muscle and no brain, had been destroying Reg.

"That's right," he said, "but maybe that fight was a lie too. All you do is lie to me."

"You're drunk," Reg said, shaking his head, "I've got more class then tying up Potter to a chair. And just think. Why would I want to make enemies of the Head Boy and Girl? I know you think I'm worthless, Sirius, but I'm not stupid."

_I don't think you're worthles__s_, Sirius wanted to say, but he didn't.

"As for your little mysterious Mudblood, she's writing a report for Dumbledore," Reg shrugged, "as a project, to catch up since she's not been at Hogwarts. She's writing a report for every class. She asked for some books so she could write a thorough report on the validity of hexes in Defense Against the Dark Arts training. I thought it would be funny to agree to give her some family books because you're so obsessed with her."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Sirius said, "are you genuinely trying to convince me of such an unconvincing lie, Reg?"

"I'll swallow some Veritaserum if you have it," Reg shrugged, "she approached me her first day here and told me she'd heard from Dumbledore that the Black family had a bunch of books she was looking for. I sent for some on Transfiguration, too, if you really want to know. Non dark books. Oh, also that one on pure-blood etiquette mother tried to make us read all the time."

"How did she get them so fast?" Sirius demanded, "I saw them her second day at Hogwarts."

"I asked Kreacher to make copies and bring them," Reg said, "you know his skill is better then you ever give him credit for."

Sirius stared into his brother's eyes. He knew Reg very well, or he had at one point. He knew when he was lying. And Reg wasn't lying.

"Stop lying," he said anyway, "I'm insulted you think I'm that easily duped."

"You've grown so suspicious, Sirius," Reg said, "It's really sad."

"I've always been suspicious, I'll have you know," Sirius said, "it's the side effect of growing up raised by a lying manipulative she-devil."

"Stop speaking of my mother that way," Reg said, his jaw clenching.

"I'll speak of my own mother how I want," Sirius snorted.

"Did mother figure out you were using her to look at the books?" Reg asked, "or was it father?"

"Not sure what you're insinuating, little brother," Sirius said, "I'm engaged to be married, and my beloved fiancé has shown me the light. How very bad of a boy I've been. Mother was so glad to see my genuine remorse. Father will live off the _schadenfreude_ for the next hundred years."

"Yeah, sure," Reg snorted, "now who's the liar, Sirius?"

"Oh, you," Sirius said, "always you, Reg."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, big brother," Reg sneered.

"Say, next time you're badly snogging Granger, tell her to come up with a better story to tell me, yeah?" Sirius said, throwing the cigarette down and stomping on it as Reg looked revolted. "_Evanesco_." The butt vanished.

"Sure," Reg said, looking back up at him, "I'll tell her my brother is still paranoid and suspicious of her evil homework assignment. Ask Dumbledore, if you don't believe me. Ask McGonagall."

"Oh," Sirius assured him, "I will."

But he was in for a surprise.

"I'm not sure how another student's makeup work is your business Mr. Black, but I did assign Miss Granger an essay to write on complicated rare transfiguration throughout history and she wrote a delightful essay on dolphin to tea kettle transfiguration theory. It was quite thorough," McGonagall said, frowning at him as Sirius crunched on a ginger biscuit, "and don't think you'll get out of that detention for the other day. I still want you in my office tonight,"

"Minnie," Sirius said, lowering his voice and moving his eyebrows up and down, "I've been fantasizing about it all day."

McGonagall's mouth twitched, which, with her, was the sure sign of victory. It was sheer impossibly to make McGonagall laugh, but a lip twitch was the closest thing.

"Call me Minnie again and you'll find _yourself_ the victim of a rare transfiguration theory," McGonagall said, picking up her cup of tea. Sirius took that as his cue to flee without another detention.

""Say, Professor," Sirius said casually when he got to the door, his voice back to normal, "Heglad's book on rare transfigurations, including dolphin to kettle theory...that's only in _Transfigurative Tomes of Rural Ireland_, yeah?"

"Very good, Mr. Black," McGonagall said, peering at him over her glasses, "you know, if you spent even half the time you spend on pranks and your witticism and preening into a mirror on learning you'd be an exceptional wizard."

"Minnie," Sirius said, his voice low again, "I'm already an exceptional wizard." Then he winked.

A ginger biscuit winged him in the temple.

* * *

"Yes, Miss Granger did write me a wonderful essay on elemental charms," Flitwik squeaked, "and I'm so delighted to hear you are interested in charm discovery, Mr. Black! How lovely that you and Miss Granger are working on a project together. Are you considering a career in experimental magic?"

"Oh yes," Sirius lied. In truth, he hadn't thought about his career much. Maybe he'd join a Muggle punk band. He'd have to learn to play an instrument first, of course, but…

"Well you'd be excellent at it," Flitwick said with real enthusiasm, "you have a creative mind and a bold will, a perfect combination for creating new spells!"

"Thank you very much, sir," Sirius said modestly, "that means a lot, coming from you."

"I'd be delighted to write you a recommendation!" Flitwick said, "my good friend, Genivia Portense, the most brilliant charms expert, has been looking for an apprentice!"

"Oh this is so sudden," Sirius said hastily, "um...let me think about it."

"Of course Mr. Black, of course,' Flitwick squeaked.

"So, those are rare charms," Sirius said casually, "I only read about them in _Nature is Charming_, is that right?"

"Indeed," Flitwick said, "are you sure you are not interested in a charms career, Mr. Black?"

"Er, maybe," Sirius hedged, "I am enjoying working on it with Gra—Hermione. We've enjoyed looking through _Nature is Charming_ together. You lent it to her?"

"But it's your copy, Mr. Black," Flitwick said, puzzled, "we discussed elemental charms together and I saw your family crest on the cover."

"Oh right," Sirius said, "I've got so many books I forget what I've done with them." He forced a smile.

* * *

"It was nice of you to lend Miss Granger your books, Mr. Black," said Professor Kittering, a nervous, wheezy old man who must surely know his sojourn as Defense Against the Dark Arts professor was coming to an end one way or another by June of the next year, "she wrote me such a spectacular essay on the effects of cursed blades on human flesh. Really fascinating stuff."

"Did she show you her scar?" Sirius asked casually.

"Yes, her collarbone has been most grievously scarred," Professor Kittering nodded solemnly, "Poor girl."

Sirius kept his face blank.

"And that mark on her arm," he added.

"Arm? I didn't see anything on her arm," Professor Kittering said, "but my word, the collarbone was bad enough, poor lass!"

"She told you how she got it," Sirius said. He didn't say it like a question, but a statement of fact.

"Oh, of course," Professor Kittering said, "a purveyor of dark magic. Poor thing, imagine being an orphan at eighteen."

Sirius stilled. "An orphan?" he said carefully, "did this dark magic user kill her parents, too?"

"Yes, poor lass," Professor Kittering sighed, "right in front of her, too! She only escaped due to a stray stupefy that hit her and made her look dead to the assailant."

"Did they catch the murderer?" Sirius asked.

"No," Professor Kittering said, "what a shame, eh? That poor girl, with such a burden on her…I'm glad you're making friends with her, Mr. Black."

"Oh?" Sirius said, startled. If Professor Kittering had been paying close attention, he'd know "making friends" wasn't quite how most would describe it.

"Yes, you might not have noticed," Professor Kittering said, "but you're quite popular around these parts, Mr. Black!"

Sirius stopped himself from grimacing with difficulty. With these kinds of observational skills, it was a certainty that the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor was continuing the long tradition of sucking.

"I didn't notice," Sirius lied, "but thank you for saying so. I never noticed about this attack in the papers," he said, "how long ago was it?"

"Oh many years, I think," Professor said, waving a hand about, "in Belgium, I believe."

"Belgium?" Sirius deflated. Well. There went his opportunity to catch Granger in an out and out lie about her past.

"Yes, in Brussels, if I recall," Professor Kittering said, "or was it Hallstatt?"

"That's in Austria," Sirius said, forcefully shoving his temper down

"Oh, is it?" the Professor said, "well, either way, I suppose you could ask the poor girl. Or don't! Don't ask the girl. How horrid. Don't remind her. You wouldn't want to bring up trauma."

"Oh no," Sirius said, thinking for the millionth time about the bloody wizard's robe stuffed in a tree with _Potter _embroidered on it, "I'd never want that."

* * *

"You've really gotten my brother under your spell," Regulus drawled, "I thought it was an act on his part, but he's obsessed. I've never seen him like this."

The Granger girl made a face at him but remained sullenly silent. She'd tried to be nice to him at first, she really had, but Regulus Black was not interested in nice, and his rudeness had clearly ruffled her feathers so much that she stopped. Niceness was against the Black family creed.

They were in an abandoned classroom on the seventh floor, an old musty room full of sheet covered objects and rickety desks. Every time they met Granger insisted on a different place of her choosing. Why they couldn't have just one meet up spot was beyond him, but Granger insisted, and what Granger wanted, Regulus gave to her. For now, anyway.

"I suppose it's because you're the only girl in this whole school to say no to him," Regulus continued, "that's unusual enough to make you special to my arrogant brother."

"_He's _arrogant?" Granger said, her eyebrows raised.

"You think he's not?" Regulus said, his own eyebrows raised.

"I'd say you both are fighting over that crown with James Potter," Granger said, and Regulus laughed. He always appreciated a good insult aimed at his brother's stupid best friend. Mother had been wroth when Sirius had been sorted into Gryffindor, even more wroth that he'd had the stones to write home and brag about it, instead of behaving properly ashamed of this failure on his part. Regulus had no doubt that if Sirius had played it correctly, made a scene to Dumbledore, perhaps, demand a resorting, rage and storm to his parents about how someone must have hoodwinked the hat, plastered his room in Slytherin banners anyway, he would've gotten away with being a Gryffindor.

As much as Sirius insisted it wasn't the truth, his parents had always preferred Sirius over Regulus, just like everyone else did. Sirius had been the heir, the elder, the taller one. Even now after Regulus's growth spurt Sirius was taller, dashing his hopes that puberty would have him finally eclipse his brother.

If that wasn't bad enough, Sirius was popular, smart, handsome, and covered in simpering girls. Even the girls who refused to simper, like the Slytherins, flirted with his brother in their own toxic ways. Sirius was funny, Sirius was charming, even when Sirius was being a cock, which was frequent. Sirius was beloved by all of the students, and the professors. Even Regulus's own head of house preferred his brother.

Long ago Regulus had tried a different strategy with their parents to earn their love and affection. They preferred Sirius, yes, but preference meant screaming and expectations and slaps, sometimes even punches. So Regulus had been dutiful, ready to learn, eager to please, conforming almost exactly to what his mother and father expected out of him, and waited. The break had come even faster than Regulus had suspected.

He had lied to his "school chums" as his father insisted on calling them, or his "friends" as his mother said, or his "less then mortal enemies", as Regulus called them. He'd told Heath and Godfried that he'd long wanted his brother gone, disowned, his blood traitor taint away from the family, but the truth was the night Sirius had run away had been the worst of Regulus's life. He hadn't been able to stop crying, and Sirius had seen him crying, and he hadn't cared. He'd left anyway. Run to his best friend, that blood traitor arse that had ruined Sirius with his stupid ideas and stolen Regulus's brother from him. He'd heard Sirius call Potter a brother. He'd heard it with his own ears, when he, Regulus, was his brother!

Being in Slytherin would have been infinitely easier with Sirius around, a big brother watching out for him. His friends being Regulus's friends. But instead Sirius had abandoned him, and Regulus had cried like a baby when he'd been leaving, humiliating himself, and his arrogant, reckless brother had not even cared. If James Potter cried in front of him, Sirius would care. He was sure.

"You look like you're wallowing in every wrong done to you," Granger said, and Regulus flushed against his will, "are you having flashbacks to something, Black?"

"Yes, something terrible. I'm thinking of having to pretend that I'm snogging you to get my brother jealous," Regulus sneered.

The Granger girl rolled his eyes and he wondered for the millionth time what his rebellious older brother had been thinking, getting involved with her. She had a nice body, he supposed. Her eyes, when they weren't rolling or narrowing in anger were big and pretty, if not common in color. But her face was just fine, certainly nothing special, not nearly as nice to look at as Sami Greengrass's.

Why had Sirius had to pick that girl, out of all the girls at school, to pretend to be engaged to? Sami could lie all she wanted, stare soppily at his brother in the halls, hold his hands, preen over the giant heirloom ring from mother, which she'd been doing for days now since they got back from number twelve, but Regulus knew the truth. He wasn't stupid. And now Sami, who had been tops on Regulus's secret wish list of potential brides, had been scratched off. At this rate, he'd have to marry a bloke.

"Don't knock it until you try it," Granger surprised him by drawling.

He turned redder. Could she know he'd never snogged a girl in his life? No. Surely not.

"No thank you," he said coldly, "my type isn't my brother's leftovers."

"How many times do I have to tell you," Granger said waspishly, "I've never done anything with your brother! He's obsessed with thinking that I'm a dark witch or something, so he's following me around like I a committed a murder and he fancies himself Sherlock Holmes."

"Who?" Regulus asked blankly.

"Never mind," Granger sighed, "listen, what do you want? I'm kind of busy tonight."

"Doing what?" Regulus pounced, "and does Sami know my brother is doing it with you?"

"For god's sake," Granger said, throwing her hands in the air, "you're like your brother. Or a dog with a bone." She muttered something under her breath that sounded like "same thing" under her breath.

"You owe me," Regulus threatened, "and I mean to collect."

"I owe you?" Granger said sarcastically.

"and while I'm at it, _you're_ the one who always wants to meet with _me_," Regulus reminded her, "I'm not so eager to see you and that...nest of brambles you call hair."

"What do I owe you?" Granger persisted, ignoring his assertion that she was always after Regulus's attention. There was no point in arguing, after all. It was true. "And why?"

"Well, I lied to my brother earlier for you," Regulus shrugged, reaching up to flick his hair like Sirius always did. His hand met crunchy gel. Granger's eyes followed the moving of his hand and her lips twitched.

"About?" Granger prompted. "And I hardly find that newsworthy. Do you not lie to him constantly?"

Regulus shrugged but he couldn't help the smile that twisted his mouth. It was so rare anyone noticed his abilities and skills when his stupid brother was around, sucking up all the attention and air from a room, or a school, or an entire family.

"Those books you stole from our library," Regulus said, "I told him I made you copies. You're welcome. You were right, he did ask me after his visit home."

"And he believed you?" Granger said, crossing her arms, "you're sure?"

"Positive," Regulus said, attempting for a casual sit on a desk like he'd seen Sirius do around girls. He might as well practice being charming on this girl he didn't care about at all. And if it worked, well, maybe they'd practice snogging. Then he'd know what to do with a girl he actually liked to look at. "He thinks he knows when I'm lying. He doesn't."

"Good for you," Granger said sourly.

"You should be glad," Regulus said, "it benefited you, after all."

"I suppose," she conceded. There was a pause. Regulus raised his eyebrows expectantly. "Thank you," she said from between her teeth.

"I can help you learn," Regulus said, "to lie to him, I mean. You're atrocious. He sees right through you."

"Alright," Granger said, "I suppose I need practice in lying in general, don't I? And Occlumency."

"Occlumency?" Regulus said, his eyebrows going up higher.

"You do know it, yes?" Granger said, "you must."

"Why do you think that?" Regulus said, confused. He_ had_ been learning it lately. Bella had taught him some last summer in France. She'd been coaching him through owl. Anonymous owls, of course, or else Sirius would recognize Beezlebub, Bellatrix's monstrous owl. His mother had thought Bellatrix hadn't been around Regulus in years. But Regulus knew how to lie to his mother, too.

"Well," Granger said, "you're so clever, is all. I was sure you of all people would know how."

She had to be manipulating him. But when she smiled at him, her face was much prettier. And really, it would enrage his brother if he practiced snogging on her. It would infuriate Sirius a lot. Almost as angry as it had made Regulus to see him holding hands with Sami Greengrass.

Regulus attempted a smile back. They had never come easy to him. His mother hated Sirius's smiles, so he had made sure to keep the expression his father favored on his face around her.

"I do know Occlumency," he admitted, "a little, anyway."

"Well, I'd like to learn," Granger said, "if you don't mind."

"I knew you wanted to get me alone some more," Regulus said, trying for Sirius's flirtatious tones. He didn't think he'd quite gotten there, but Granger blushed, just like girls did at Sirius, and triumph surged in him.

"Always," Granger said, her voice lower, and she smiled again, a secret smile.

"Why do you need to learn Occlumency, though?" Regulus asked.

"Why do you?" Granger shrugged.

Regulus looked at her, calculating. And why not? Why not tell her the truth, for once? Why not tell someone, anyone, the truth? Sure, it hadn't gone well with Evans, and Bella had been mad about that, but…

"My cousin has told me it's beneficial when working for the Dark Lord," he said.

The silence in the room felt endless to him.

"Good," Granger said at last, and her smile was still there, "because that's exactly why I want to know, myself."


End file.
